..dear reader..

We really, really need to remember and not waver from the whole never clicking on referring urls thing unless we know exactly where it will lead. No matter how innocent the URL may appear.. There's nothing we can say except stuff like we really genuinely hope you all die soon & suddenly & alone you sick capitalist cunts.. 

Evening dear reader, we are :-). Haven't taken any more of the diazepam today, ended up taking a couple more last night. No school run to worry about we were so happy drinking tea and colouring in and thinking and stuff. Dozed up enough that when woke we still felt lovely and move around easier between the pain bouts. Even after mother pressuring us into selling a precious gram to adult nephew. Not amused. He was here just after his mum died and hasn't been here since. He looked well. We chatted briefly about the work he has been doing and his gran's new hoose. He may of said something about being happier about her being down here now.. we weren't listening to that, he has a very triggering way put his point of view across sometimes, reminds us of how he would talk about punching his mum if he she turned up drunk and how we could almost hear the nails on her coffin lid every time he said it. We know they do pressure mother a bit to go back up or let the kids go...

made the trip over the river yesterday, very successful but very expensive.. very glad. Getting the free bus travel that we are entitled to would be worth it - will be very uncomfortable making appointment, and getting through whatever and whoever is triggered in the appointment which will probs only last minutes. But the potential that could do our heid as someone whose travelling us mostly been very controlled and on someone else's itinerary .. to have free travel. Think about what means..  Drop kids of at school on a day when mum is up for picking them up and keeping ours over night.. Scotlands our oyster .. yikes ..  Tricky. Of course. Would it be self abuse, is it active processing? we have always had big strong sense that the talking was essential but so is other stuff, creative, occupation stuff would be equally essential. We still break at what we got a taste of but was denied with the Drama. Such a stigmatising word 'inappropriate' and the whole 'your poor ...

Mother has a new place to stay, its closer to here, a bedroom for both the kids, outside space , done really nice inside. Stone tiles in the kitchen ffs & no chickenwire glass. Doesnt make me love this place any less just makes me wish we were further on with the decorating. And wish we owned here and/or could do more than just paint it.. Its a relief to know the bairns are that bit closer, they all will be so much happier their. So much feels like it has been processed. We feel like we are getting a break a bit in the surfacing it seems right now. The vivid unravelling of relentless trauma has slowed down. Physically it's been pretty bad for a few days, sore, exhausted. Therapist cancelled and we were quite relieved. Some us wanting to push forward but others are weeping with exhaustion. Its always very difficult to be honest about some of whats occupying big chunks of our internal life especially if its to do with something that feels like it might be ongoing in anyway. ...

Felt so badly for the English left for so long. Amazing inspiring social history but that's not the heritage that's promoted.  Now we have turn outs in the 60%s and 'Labour has become too leftwing' being repeated in working class accents like children saying lines in a school play.  Its not a new though.  The betrayal by Labour interns of tolerating and courting corruption, abandoning its ideals and history makes it a nonparty for us. It should split. At least the Tories tell you they are going to screw you first. We smell the kind or worst that happens before things start dramatically changing but we would wouldn't we were up in the yellow bit, with higher turnouts where socialism isn't a dirty word. Migraine that's we've been successfully dodging eventually caught up with us.  Possibly helped by the misery of the exit polls, the excitement of the SNP swing. And the bottle of wine. And the non impressive 'pollen'.  Headache was awful but had ...

Back to this then. Its been around for a few days, pushing its way past the weed. The irritability, the plummeting self esteem, the constant edge of tearfulness and the sense we will never be safe, never find and keep people who we are ok with. All the words and acts of hate from ourselves and others from the past are a constant bottomless presence that refuses to be analysed.  We felt so desperate last night looking at the stalks and scraps we had left, knowing what was coming. Still we have gotten stuff done in past few days, after 8 months the kitchen is actually starting to feel like our own and we are not just saying that so we start to believe it plus the living room has a floor again and is that much closer to being decorated. Thinking maybe the break in pain we have got near the end of the last few cycles might possibly be stretching. Its back and nasty today though but its not as bad a feeling as being terrified and lonely because the adults trained loads of kids to ha...

She used sex work to fund the drinking sometimes.  Not sure how much when she lived away. There was one in particular who would hassle me when she wasnt around. There were times when she would try and push us into it. She was busy with baby 'just go with him'. There were rapes of course. We were in various dissociative states and were vulnerable. Particularly to the sort of guy who doesnt mind picking up a very drunk teenager to for sex while her distraught little sister was left with a small baby. 'Sex work' or 'being raped and then handed cash that someone else would take of me' as we called it wasnt exactly a opportunity it was easy to fall into. It was compulsory. If we started tomorrow to be in public places out drinking and talking regularly its quite likely that people would show up and start trying to force us into it again, using drugs, violence and manipulating and bulling people around me. Still amused in our grim humour way about the MP tweeting...