May 17, 2015

the opposite of entitlement

Evening dear reader,

we are :-).

Haven't taken any more of the diazepam today, ended up taking a couple more last night. No school run to worry about we were so happy drinking tea and colouring in and thinking and stuff. Dozed up enough that when woke we still felt lovely and move around easier between the pain bouts.

Even after mother pressuring us into selling a precious gram to adult nephew. Not amused.

He was here just after his mum died and hasn't been here since. He looked well. We chatted briefly about the work he has been doing and his gran's new hoose. He may of said something about being happier about her being down here now.. we weren't listening to that, he has a very triggering way put his point of view across sometimes, reminds us of how he would talk about punching his mum if he she turned up drunk and how we could almost hear the nails on her coffin lid every time he said it. We know they do pressure mother a bit to go back up or let the kids go back and she thinks about giving in when her health is really bad.

We arn't wasting too much time victim blaming ourself about not being able to do more and be as fit as she would like for a second carer. It wouldnt matter if we were running marathons she doesnt value us, all those times she let people rape us and sometimes try to kill us was a bit of clue..

.. it helps to remember the horror on Therapists face and how she talks about it being extremely triggering it is that no one in the family has helped out with Laura's possessions, Laura wasn't valued either and couldnt value us because of it.

We're stronger though. A little bit anyway. much more up for banishing her ghosts. Easier to be positive  to about mother and the kids when she is the lovely place her health will be better and we feel like we are getting over the dead sister/abuser in the rain and suddenly finding ourselves in a place we weep with joy to call home.

The stuff that people just take for granted, especially in the West, we totally don't and we cant identify with other groups whoes rights are being denied because the fact that they are an identifiable group fighting for a voice means its not us because we can not be seen or talked about.

So far to go though huh reader?

To get away from feeling that is horrible but natural that for others to advance their position, to improve their lifestyles it will be at our expensive.  Even though we know its now true we still get nervous around people which means programmed subjugated behaviours are acted out and we really struggle to stop them as long as we are nervous. The awareness of  this means we have to stay away from people because we know it will result in unhealthy relationships but by staying isolated we are limited to the family and people that tolerate them.

However we also have less distractions and more time to accept wave after wave of trauma release, body memories and parts coming forward desperate for validation and to have their stories heard and feelings respected, to experience empathy..


There will be words for it we cant remember - the opposite of entitlement. The way it gets inside every part of you. We will have some of the books here but we know their solutions were always unsatisfying or just wrong and we would struggle to read those sort of texts for any meaningful length of time now, whenever it was discovered what we could get out of studying it would always become a priority to make sure couldn't do it any more. Doesnt seem worthwhile to try and push through all those triggers just to relearn someone else language.

 We still take it for granted that those close to us, other victims would be allowed things and receive treatment that we wouldn't and it wouldnt change.. finding ourselves in Scotland in various states of shock, injury or whatever with only pimps and mother on the phone it kind of hardwired that sense of personlessness.


Now.

We can talk about DID all day long.

....

And we are comfortable and dont have to work through pain and all the other lovely thing we have listed elsewhere like the drugs that tackle the constant cycles of anxiety and triggers, that help us crumble the walls between me and me rather than make us incapacitated or delusional or bring about the need for life saving trips to emergency rooms. And the goddam judgemental bastards that were sometimes there when we came round or had gotten rid of whatever it was had to be gotten rid of but I didn't take any of the drugs the forced them all and never agreed to the rape its not my money I'm not a prostitute please help

Now.


We have fluffy blankets, a ridiculous amount of telly and on demand disney films and puss cats and a fridge with food the space is ace and we have a boy. he's healthy and happy and doesnt get taken away by men in suits or women who say they work in jobs to keep children safe but are actually the opposite.

And we have you, dear reader. Whoever the fuck you are who we are not as scared of as we were.

Honest.

:-)