May 15, 2015

Strange and inconvenient truths and wondering if I wrote this..

Mother has a new place to stay, its closer to here, a bedroom for both the kids, outside space , done really nice inside. Stone tiles in the kitchen ffs & no chickenwire glass. Doesnt make me love this place any less just makes me wish we were further on with the decorating. And wish we owned here and/or could do more than just paint it.. Its a relief to know the bairns are that bit closer, they all will be so much happier their.

So much feels like it has been processed. We feel like we are getting a break a bit in the surfacing it seems right now. The vivid unravelling of relentless trauma has slowed down. Physically it's been pretty bad for a few days, sore, exhausted. Therapist cancelled and we were quite relieved. Some us wanting to push forward but others are weeping with exhaustion. Its always very difficult to be honest about some of whats occupying big chunks of our internal life especially if its to do with something that feels like it might be ongoing in anyway. Emotionally ongoing especially. Sometimes naming the fucker and spilling out whatever is on the surface doesnt result in a sense of closure. Its leads to deeper layers that are arnt opaque as they were.. 

He was hurt so much. Nasty racist shit, connected to some of the really violent and fatal rape porn traffickers and producers. they wouldnt leave us be.

Walked and smoked with pretty decent dude today. A bit terrified he would make some sort of move but we always are of course. We know we do not want and are in a postion to fall into places where we there is a total split between our feelings and our actions. To be spending time with someone and thinking non stop about someone else the whole time. 

We can see the times in the past when we thought he was hurting us and see how separated she had become from anything outside of the life abusers chose for us. We cant see how it can be possible that we can somehow 'know more' that would undermine what we know and feel at the moment. We can't go to google to verify something that comes out of networks of wealthy high profile people involved in networks that rape and murder people.

And the bastard images we do find refuse to contradict it. Just leave us shaky. Knowing that if he is an abuser what with the money he has and the persistence of the denial he must be really really bad and we cant think that without hearing a calm clear down to earth us voice saying 'he isnt'. Who then starts showing us the faces people who we have no problem with pointing at and saying 'he's an horrific abuser' and know from bile in our throat, the tension in our shoulders and every other part of our physical self that we were right.

So much horrific programming is triggered, we cant get to him, or figure out whatever it is from here. But the constant pulling of the need to know as hard and as sure as the need to stay unsure pulls us back to switching between amnesiac and non amnesiac parts without question, without trying to sew together any coherent sense of who we are and what the fuck is going on.

Dude. I need a sign.

Obvs this post isnt about anyone British. S.C. FFS Weeping into rabbit stew. It just keeps getting realer.

Did Anne hate us for it? Or rather, does she? But his hugs we just the best and he always talked to all of us, whenever he could. He was a slave just like we both where. She said she gave in and wanted to do the best for herself and work with the abusers.  We thought it might kill us at the time. But he was still there.  Of course we know how manipulated things could be. If they hurt a part until they hid that part didnt just take the bad memories with them they took everything. It was and still is so hard to trust anything that happens internally and of course our interpretations of whatever we perceive.  It became impossible to know when you talked to another kid if whatever they were saying, if it was them or because they had been forced to do it and didnt mean the words at all. Everyone was different people inside.

All we can do is bloody wait. Try and make ourselfs as comfortable and as healthy as possible and do our best to manage whatever the seasons bring up. We get stuck. Sure. What we find away out eventually making sure we destroy all the routes back to it whenever possible. Cant see whats on the other side of this and that does make us feel alive a bit, sometimes.

Sometimes, a lot.


Too much bloody Disney.