May 15, 2015

Hello lovely drugs..

made the trip over the river yesterday, very successful but very expensive.. very glad. Getting the free bus travel that we are entitled to would be worth it - will be very uncomfortable making appointment, and getting through whatever and whoever is triggered in the appointment which will probs only last minutes. But the potential that could do our heid as someone whose travelling us mostly been very controlled and on someone else's itinerary .. to have free travel. Think about what means..  Drop kids of at school on a day when mum is up for picking them up and keeping ours over night.. Scotlands our oyster .. yikes .. 

Tricky. Of course. Would it be self abuse, is it active processing? we have always had big strong sense that the talking was essential but so is other stuff, creative, occupation stuff would be equally essential. We still break at what we got a taste of but was denied with the Drama. Such a stigmatising word 'inappropriate' and the whole 'your poor little mind can only one person helping you at time thing'. We are plural ffs and we cant all be reached from the one room.. lots are though, the way we are getting more and more comfortable with a wider range of us coming forward and hanging around for a while in the room with our therapist. We didnt think we could. We are.. :-)

We are pulling away from the colouring in and the scribbling. The DID sketches though we could maybe do more, clay would be good and it will happen. But not know though. Why not? Today is a duvet & drugs day. It was a long night, restless that way someone gets when the hours of darkness are shorter. A energy that is so stubborn. We just want to run. To loose any sense of where and when. Just us and the hills. Maybe some of the walks they had us doing. Anything that didnt involve rape or nakedness we were up for and applied ourselves the best we could which led to pride sometimes.. and the prevailing sense that the only people we ever really appreciate us and our skills are military/paramilitary .. 

Do not worry dear reader, there are currently no feminist, socialist armies recruiting in our area and we  are really not up for trying to start our own just yet.. Speaking of politics.. do you think we should approach our new SNP MP.. its not Hosie anymore.. would sticking pins under my nails be a more constructive and less soul destroying use of our time? 

Picked up our repeat prescriptions so we are stocked uo on co-drydramol, gabatenin, inhalers, citralapam and the usually very temporary little tiny box of diazepam 2mg.  Weepingly grateful for them all. We've been concerned recently bout the ages of the littles that are surfacing, about the physical crap that is always going trigger really badly, about what the fuck is going to happen next and how some parts wont know how to deal with that.. 


Once the military & intelligence lot had finished with us for now we were thrown back into the organised crime gangs and families,  the VIPs that are really just violent criminals with media connections.. We feel its probably time we started think more about the states. Being stuck here means its mainly the British stuff thats triggered and processed. Some of us are found the nasty Brit intel prick that snared at us and told us it wasnt their choice that I was trapped in the UK and we know he meant it but arnt sure about the rest of the 'community' and their bosses. 

The nature of the relationships between the US and UK at the top high end that really made the decisions alludes us a bit. We start falling into all the illumanti bullshit traps - the partly true mythology that protects the criminal networks that run almost everything. Keep It Simple Stupid.

Very hard to remember that though when your trying to figure out if people prancing around with newborns on spiked poles is real. Yeah it was a puppy sometimes and there was rubber things they had made up but sometimes it was real. the intestines, the mess, while other people hang around. Some with glazed eyes and flushed faces singing, chanting or saying something, others were so white they looked like they were standing corpses. Sometimes it seeing the white faced people was the scariest thing and some would hate them for it. We can see how the cycles worked so well parts had been forbidden, severely punished for communicating with each other so they had was the cult or whatever the fuck it was and who it was that was around them.

Talking to yourself was not allowed.. They always covered the walls, sometimes it was outside and they used hoses or fire afterwards. We see Savile among those over seeing a lot of the light of day clean ups, but we always see ourselves, watching them calming, organise and joke knowing there was something wrong with our eyes.  I knew I wasn't seeing everything that was there but there was a part of us that did but we were struggling to achieve co-consciousness so we could see what we were programmed to see and what as there at the same time, or one after the other but without an amnesiac break in between. We knew we could do it at other times but couldnt do it now.

Whatever it was worked out, lots of police often but not always then it would be discovered that we had worked it out so a new system would be forced on us and we would have to start again from the beginning. From knowing nothing.  Literally not having to watch other people use cutlery to remember how to eat

We would like to try and write more with you in mind dear reader.. Slightly.. its not east and we are sure that if you are capable of appreciating anything, you can appreciate that. When we say things like 'a new system was forced on us' it means that we were raped and tortured day and night until all the existing day to day identities were either split into emotional parts or had to hide away and have no contact with anyone internal or external other than their appointed abusers. You know the faces of some of these appointed abusers if your in the UK and US. As we said yesterday when parts of our identity are  happens they take everything with them, in terms their understanding and memories with them. Whoever is formed or forced forward in their place has no idea what's been going on. Wouldn't always work as they wanted. Sometimes they bring out a identity that would cause them more problems than the one they were getting rid of because it was one that had previously been put down for learning and causing problems.


It is some comfort that there are definitely some that make it to the end of these posts and who didnt come directly from a porn site.. 

Yesterday someone was thinking about Savile talking about his 'American friends'. We knew there were already 'friends' in American and wasnt sure if it was any of the same ones. It wasn't it..

kinda feels like come back in a couple of years for the next instalment of that chain of traumas though..

most be time to take more drugs..surely?