May 05, 2015

Bad, useless or dead.

Back to this then. Its been around for a few days, pushing its way past the weed. The irritability, the plummeting self esteem, the constant edge of tearfulness and the sense we will never be safe, never find and keep people who we are ok with. All the words and acts of hate from ourselves and others from the past are a constant bottomless presence that refuses to be analysed.  We felt so desperate last night looking at the stalks and scraps we had left, knowing what was coming.

Still we have gotten stuff done in past few days, after 8 months the kitchen is actually starting to feel like our own and we are not just saying that so we start to believe it plus the living room has a floor again and is that much closer to being decorated. Thinking maybe the break in pain we have got near the end of the last few cycles might possibly be stretching. Its back and nasty today though but its not as bad a feeling as being terrified and lonely because the adults trained loads of kids to hate and hurt us while all the other adults we know are bad, useless or dead.

As much as we go on about DID being pretty amazing we do hate it sometimes to especially the way it doesn't matter how much processing you do and how hard you work sooner or later you wake feeling exactly how you did when locked up in some flat or whatever, with years of rape, violence, hunger and exploitation behind you and years of rape, violence, hunger and exploitation ahead of you.

It doesnt feel like it means all that much but we did notice a kind of readiness that the we know hasn't been around much for a long time. There wont be much gladness about that, it means more details, more devils..

Think we messed up again self care wise and its contributing to the current stinky cloud.  We get so desperate for positive, validating human contact and we know that will never be without risk so we rush into things ang ignore fears, going to be in miserable mess anyway, thats just what its like, we have to accept the triggers and the fear or we will never feel any better..

We understand of course. But when we in a mess because we were exposed to someone or something that we maybe could of avoided its hard not to feel some anger. The rings where i was number one victim, our family here in Scotland.. we can see how some of what it felt like to singled out for extra abuse, to be victimised by victims has been triggered by CSA activists and activism partly because we were programmed to keep feeling that way but also because all the abusers, relaxed and above suspicion and untouchable due to state and criminal contacts who will continue keeping the language retro, keeping people focused on the much smaller pictures and bravely fighting public battles that they know are utterly unwinable.

Feeling better now, really does work articulating issues necking gabapentin like their sweeties (exaggeration there, we loose count after 1) and our new lap top table is ace it has a wee round dent for a cup,  room for side plate and an ashtray.. :)

We think sometimes about going drug free but we are not there yet, so many years of being denied comfort and denying ourselves comfort its unlikely to be anytime soon.  Its not like our battered conditioned trauma riddled brain is going to be clearer without. The pain anyway. Our body is screaming that we have just be raped and they have left the objects in there when the last time was years ago, we are not in a place where we can hug or mediate that away.