..dear reader..

Of course it wasnt that simple. Nothing ever is that good or happy or true. Not in this shit. She was never ours. They were making sure we weren't her mission and they were the whole time. As Jacqui said, probably thinking this was a winner but she was still trying to trigger parts with the evil realities behind positive fictions when we never believed in the fiction and were dissociated from all positives anyway. They must of been gutted every time they thought they could use Jacqui to declare a death or a rape to us and all they got was bewilderment or to hear we already knew. The whole idea of them finding out anything and discussing it amongst themselves and then get us to a session where she would tell us before we found out and prepared was so many stages of ridiculous. Particularly when it was something we had done or had been done to us. When we asked if she knew how mum had died she said she didn't know and was gagging to find out so we said we knew in great detai...

Ug. Streets were littered with corpses and the only thing we knew for certain was we would be back here alone that night with childcare commitments the next day and there was going to be more sessions with Jacqui. We wept hard on the bus back over. Someone police stopped it gave us something to make sure we made it the rest of the way back to the house, hugged us said something we didnt here, we said something we didnt here. Then left us there with the Fife sky and low hills as the bus went on its way. Phoned the school today and got them to tell Pabs to walk home without us. Can't adult.. We did get him to make us a birthday card last night. He remember the "choo choose" Valentines card from the Simpsons but changed it to "could't choo choose a better mother."..  He is a darling even if it is a nightmare trying to get him to do anything because its a nightmare trying to get us to do anything. We have ordered a new lounger obvs.. the flowers are much ...

"I put in the fucking pre nup John. If he calls us that name and not our own at that time we arnt just over we never happened." "I didnt realise you were married." "Well how can I be? I can't own property. The only name we have ever recognised isn't legally recognised in general anywhere." There was a soft of moan we could feel him burn in the silence after. We didnt want to continue but it felt it might be really important to our survival that we did. "It's not just about me.. With me and Louise being so close.. If that happens.. thats gonna be it for her. She cant take any more and I'm not going to force her to. It's just too much for too long. Human hearts, even if they look fine.. they just stop. It something we needed to know as kids.. That all this would end for us one way or another. It's just too much.. year after year. The burning was furious. It was huge, enraged star. We didnt make any sound. Sitting on th...

Cloudless fucking sky. Cant remember the precise moon face but have remembered the sky studying happen. Early summer, northern hemisphere. Some of the best skies he'd ever seen. We told him the weather isnt always this good. How much could you not believe it bro that could say and do whatever you wanted. Or maybe not but if you did something you werent supposed to you were talked to about it.. maybe had to do extra chores.. You were waiting for the rest.. No thats it. Not everywhere and not always of course but they wont hurt you but we might need to stop you saying certain things in certain places or it could fuck up the whole thing. Remembering so much more about mum dressing as women and how much it broke her heart when she had to go back to being "male". The way she cried whenever she had to change back and take it all off every single time. Think seeing how badly you seemed to not get it, that it wasn't DID this was different we saw better the ways or times ...

Hi Trevor (Not Nelson. Unless you want our name and then I guess it would be), Cherry blossoms are blowing around about outside, beautiful. We are waiting for Niall to call as we have no baccy.. We spent most the money he gave us last Monday on weed. Not really making much effort to do fuck all. Pabs started talking about inviting kids to birthday party we havent said he can have again today which led to us both getting upset. He said he would do all the work. We haven't exactly got him in the habit of doing chores. "Put on clothes" is hard enough most days.. It's our birthday tomorrow. That's not going to make it any easier. My dad would come to see us on our birthday when we out in the hills with mum. It was great and he was so happy to see us look so healthy and tanned. Even more so know that we have been able to think about the compounds and the institute of horror we appreciate all that time. How it felt to wake up safe and then wonder outside the te...

"You will never know who you are." "Thank you. I remember know." Seeing and feeling a lot of singing. A specially made narrow necked guitar for our tiny hands. We loved that thing. And chrome, and restraints and cages. People kept in horrific states, suffering was a tool. You must not humanise them. There were some awful deformities and injuries and various parts of brain or body part intentionally removed. But they are human. Look at their eyes, if they have any and you can still feel person.. She would make some sick porn joke I think. She was either not interested or got furious. Lots of cleaning up after what ever they were doing. Human meat. Lots of chrome and restraints. Scientists in coats, they weren't just for show, they all buttoned up and were sometimes they were changing lots a day. It was a very sign if they had you and they buttoned up. Sometimes we just fainted. The rest of the time of course the coats were a constant threat and a trigger. ...

Christ the nasty come down, Gabapentin withdrawal weird nastiness keeps hanging around. Have the essential now though and are struggling to not cry in relief.. What a state to be in.. Today we've found ourself remembering in more details the looks on peoples faces when we got back after loner ops as a bairn. (also remembered how Mothers' lip would twitch when we started combining the Scottish accent she forced on us and rebel military talk).. Dad there to sometimes.. doing a show and singing just for us. We would drop to our knees when we saw him or have to try really hard not to and usual fail total pieces which is probs why he was there. Not falling to pieces lots just isnt an option so it needs to be done amongst friends.. It was constant war there is no real peace anywhere. There is just lots of silence and that is not that same thing. 28th of March #PaedoBritain and serious twitter stuff or rather major international incidents.. This fucking silence that sits on peo...