May 18, 2016

Forget the horse. Forget the bolt. Forget the stable. It's all gone.

Of course it wasnt that simple. Nothing ever is that good or happy or true. Not in this shit. She was never ours. They were making sure we weren't her mission and they were the whole time. As Jacqui said, probably thinking this was a winner but she was still trying to trigger parts with the evil realities behind positive fictions when we never believed in the fiction and were dissociated from all positives anyway.

They must of been gutted every time they thought they could use Jacqui to declare a death or a rape to us and all they got was bewilderment or to hear we already knew. The whole idea of them finding out anything and discussing it amongst themselves and then get us to a session where she would tell us before we found out and prepared was so many stages of ridiculous. Particularly when it was something we had done or had been done to us.

When we asked if she knew how mum had died she said she didn't know and was gagging to find out so we said we knew in great detail which we knew in her culture suggested some kind of horrific torture rape death but had no intention of sharing it for it to be gloated over. Think we talked about it being the life, that we were both soldiers and it had been a very violent patch of very violent times that we knew we were being unemotional over it but that was what we had to do. She agreed in her best fake sympathetic shrink manner despite being desperate to know then I think maybe she tried some nasty shit because she was so angry that we were deaf to.

Time is pretty messed up so we dont know the length of time between that session and the one where she brought the matter up again. She was in "I can be scary too mood.", she had been reliably informed ( from someone who got it from someone who got it from us) that we had killed our mum as well as our mother.

We weren't unprepared for it and it was long enough ago that we didnt mind saying that our mum had interfered with operations for the last time. We've pulled weapons on each other at various times over the years but this time she had called us "Julia" which was my our slave name to try and trigger us out being able to do any techy work. It was that did it. "Julia" didnt fucking hesitate, I never knew any real mums.

I turned up when she left the rest of us with nothing in the middle of nowhere a little after we did all that testing with the shoes and the skirt and the make up. We had went to help Louise with something she needed us or anyone no one was helping them and we were later back then we said and she had gone. No signs of struggle. No supplies. Maybe there was a note but it was the one of the worst bits. We were devastated. I think we were about six or seven. It had been so hard for them to see people again never mind trust we were so scared we were going to blind and mute again.

I aimed and shot twice then neatly got myself out the way so the brainier work could be done.. It wasn't like we could be dissociated. We needed to know what we were doing it was ridiculously important and we would have to check it over properly to..

 Driving away wasn't like driving through the desert after leaving Mother's corpse in one of her labs with the Who blaring and howling with relief and laughing and screaming and crying in gratitude to all internal and external involved in the driving lessons in Scotland because that was what we were using drive stick shift out of there.

This was very different. We couldn't drive for weeping and retching and dissociating but were scoped up by one kind of American authority to be dropped of with another where they couldn't come in with us. Things we changing and getting to a bit now or never so they stuck one of their coats on us with a card they signed in the pocket. We sat on floor and attempted to say. It was a few weeks to months since Mother. We had no idea what he knew or if we had talked to him since then. He got us off the floor and reminded us we had. Some scrambled off to check the brainy work but we knew they need not be so worried because our brainy parts dont make mistakes and definitely not on that sort of work.

When Jacqui first brought up our mum in the earlier session we told her how we had found paper work in the bunker when little and it had broken us, that we would talk to mums parts with out her knowing and knew what they were doing her, how people from militarises and paramilitaries from all over the world had been coming to us and showing us evidence of what she was involved in also since we were little, how we got out her out the British Army and she went straight back and about how she abandoned us really badly repeatedly. She made to gloat on that but we killed it by saying the mum's betrayal had meant some of the times we were rescued and a one point there was three years where we didnt set foot on Scottish soil and no weren't with Mother and whole heap of other shit besides.

Then we realised what we had probably said could have jeopardized or possibly ruined our own and other people's operations so we tried a "Jacqui forget that" and it seemed to work. On the phone a guy said it had worked, definitely worked completely and it was highly unlikely she was pretending. We were in a mental place where we just couldn't believe that shit worked so well so we talked about DID for a while with him.

Of course when she brought mum again and we had said how she really did die and that we had intentionally put her off the scent by saying what we did before. We forgot the "forgot that" and tried to remind her that we had already told her we knew our mum had traitors parts we could never reach. She was very confident that if we had told her that she would of remembered then we remembered the "forget that" and told her. She absolutely refuted it of course and it was hard not to enjoy it. She was obviously always trying to trigger memories of her sexually abusing us and others when we were little but all we kept seeing was us kicking seven shades of shit out of her at various times and locations.

Dont think we ever shared that with her. She refused to believe a lot of what we did say and that just made us smile and then smile again when someone higher up the "programmer" branch got the same info from us usually over the phone but maybe in person and told her it must be true after all so and she would tell us like she had found it out and at that point we would say it wasn't true and make up something else.. She cottoned on long after we thought she would and long after it stopped with any real seriousness.

They do like their twins do sick experimenters in humans in human control.

"Is my mum trans and your not?"
"How did you know that ?"
"Coz thats the kind of sick thing they do."

They had fully transitioned him. He said he was ok. That he thought we were right about gender and that made us really proud.  The last we saw ze ze was looking good and spends time dressed as both genders and was happy to adopt a happy to be adopted bairn.

Lucky bastards.