May 15, 2016

"You will never know who you are."

"You will never know who you are."

"Thank you. I remember know."

Seeing and feeling a lot of singing. A specially made narrow necked guitar for our tiny hands. We loved that thing. And chrome, and restraints and cages. People kept in horrific states, suffering was a tool. You must not humanise them. There were some awful deformities and injuries and various parts of brain or body part intentionally removed. But they are human. Look at their eyes, if they have any and you can still feel person.. She would make some sick porn joke I think.

She was either not interested or got furious. Lots of cleaning up after what ever they were doing. Human meat. Lots of chrome and restraints. Scientists in coats, they weren't just for show, they all buttoned up and were sometimes they were changing lots a day. It was a very sign if they had you and they buttoned up. Sometimes we just fainted. The rest of the time of course the coats were a constant threat and a trigger.

There was different regimes. Some very few of us have shone much light on. Just enough to make sure it was a bad as it looked or worse and then turn that fucking light off.  But there was some coups and attacks to that we knew would be temporary. Or at least thought that we knew. In ways it got scarier and scarier that no matter what we did they were never committed enough to killing us to manage it.  We knew they would be various markets that wanted us kept alive and that was a factor because money was always a very high priority to her but not the highest.. She figured she had enough to protect her from anything and that money and the violence was enough to bribe or manipulate anywhere and anyone in any way and there were times when it almost seemed true but we saw the dissociation in her as well as everyone else sometimes. There were even times we wept because whatever she was she didnt get there alone.

The fact that they knew we would be very closely watched for any signs of empathy with her so they could try and grab it and manipulate that state into identifying with her and so on meant we knew we couldnt go there. We couldnt be getting too interested in what made her like this.  We had to apply her own "dont humanise her" rule to herself, we hated that so much to begin with it felt like she had won so much but as we got older it was just more fucked up ironic survival bull shit and not to dwell on it to much. She showed us her plans for everything and how she was going to get us to help her and what we felt then cant be shelved or buried, it never leaves. It kept us awake and always thinking and extremely logical about the violence needed to stop those plans and that was what we needed to do if we were ever going to stop it. More fucked up military slavery irony..

There were times when they made things nicer and we were a little worried that it might start to work but when we talked to someone about it they said they didnt think we should be to scared of it happening. He was right of course as was my proper Mum when we talked to her. It didnt last long enough for one thing and we were still all being held against our will of course and none of the explanations usually based on keeping us safe from people who would want to enslave and experiment on us were very convincing as our memory wasn't exactly short particularly when they stopped keeping us in cages and starving us etc..

We were be told other, better reasons for us still being alive other than slavers in the science, music and porn markets a few times when we were young though. Ones that made us howl with delight and were shared with us in locations out of mother's jurisdiction.  Nice comfy offices.. with windows and objects that are there just because they are pretty or interesting or comfortable.. The early off compound experiences were mind blowing.

We often heard her shouting at people, "She doesnt leave the compound." and wouldn't always know if the person persuading her was a secret humaniser or just wanted to use us for stuff and make money without sharing it with her. Their were of course a lot of thugs employed in there who would scoff at the "science" and wouldn't respect whatever schedules we ongoing, raping victims when they weren't officially supposed to be. She would be quite cross when she found out sometimes and not care in the slightest and expect us to do whatever she wanted regardless of pain or injuries. We would just weep and weep and she would get more and more angry.

Bringing out parts were very disconnected from the rest of us, that felt vulnerable and then making us watch videos of us being raped and ordering other people to force us to watch videos was something she was very into and if we remember correctly was what gave her away to too many people. That and people who worked with us as identities she didnt know about that meant whatever she said about us questionable or impossible.

We were always working hard from stopping people who knew from getting themselves killed or worse. We were going to need as many as possible to stop it, keep us alive and figure out how the fuck we are going to get our stuff back.

What with all the phone calls and feeds and sharing we were asked what the deal was with the Stone Roses. We feel the same, yeah we cant talk about thatness but its a little less. Being able to just dump stuff without looking at any of it has been essential. We said we associate it with fury over what happen to Louise and me.

 When he got back to us he sounded like a different guy and basically told us the fury was spot on. We know we hate Oasis cause we cant avoid remembering being involved at lots of stages of the creative and recording process with Louise and sometimes others and lots of the memories and the general atmosphere is violent and extremely exploitative. Trafficked in. Trafficked out. Of course know that we are writing about we remember standing in a studios watching and listening as they talk with and take orders from Mother.

Would almost be a relief sometimes when Savile showed up to take us somewhere else. His homes sometimes and we would get to sleep on a bed.. Sometimes.

How did we do anything else while locked up, heavily worked? With great difficulty. But if it wasnt rape generally a lot of the stuff they were forcing us to didnt really challenge our brain especially if we were fresh from working with mother so we had room to think about other stuff. They would try and have all our parts working on stuff for other people so we wouldnt be able to help ourself. It was very bad and we have to say New Labour at this point. Mother and Tony Blair? fuckin obvs. Blair and Hilary Clinton? who liked to keep a bit more distance from mother but we have a big sense of having been worked by Hilary and Bill wasnt in on it all.

 Watching her speak tends to make us dissociate instantly and we get flashes to feeling very together on the phone back around 2000, 01 saying,

"Nope. Sorry we can not support Hilary Clinton thats not something we are comfortable with at the moment but that could change."

A little while later we were phoned back and indeed asked if that position had changed and we explained that as our status as a slave in the UK meant we had no access to any I.D and therefore money. There was increasing less polite and less closely associated with H.C. requests we "find a way" and eventually "Do what our mother wants" in a very hissing male voice that we knew from the compound and knew again in Torry.

We were quite resistant to that and believe at least that he didnt get what he was after but also that he walked out that flat in Fintry and continued to work very hard for us to change our mind. The longer the evil that went on the easier it was to keep saying "No." and know we were doing the right thing.

Push people for money, thats what politicians and business people do after all..

We just ate *drum roll* one whole piece of toast with plenty butter and peanut butter!

And funnily enough feel much better for it. We havent  pushed ourself much with the food today we know its ok to not berate ourselves and cause more anxiety. We can see why we have these problems with food and eating and dont want to make them worse. "fine I'll starve" is something we have screamed, shouted, wept and calming stated many many times when we wouldn't do as mother or others wanted and it was often implemented. Theres been times we self starved in the hope of stopping conceptions, so of course there's been forced feeding to.

Definitely need to write to make room to eat sometimes.