March 14, 2011

a little help from my friends

Pretty grateful to my friend for paying the debt over the dodgy fivers, the men in the shop gave me a calander with bonny pictures of Scotland. Its not getting away with murder but its something and brightens up our bare kitchen. Struggled a bit this evening though, twice in three days I've spent hours in someone's company and my skin was crawling whenever we touched. Could be because he wanted to have sex, I wish he would ask so I could say no. I won't, I can't.

Started a poem last night about Japan, dreams, Tsunamis and the feeling of having seen all the news footage before. Everyone has surely, things that big have shadows that are ahead of them as well as behind. There something about the digitalisation and satellites, like I look at the stars and see whats going to happen reflected in their light. I remember talking H about them when they seemed constant, walking sky scrapers, water rising up bedroom windows (but who hasn't had that one) black water, mile after mile of debri packed mud, all those images of normal life smashed. That bloody levy.

Watching it is having so little effect on me, I just remember the nightmares. I can't sleep over Libya but whats happening in Japan feels too otherworldly. There something about premonitions, or whatever they were that is totaly self obsessed. I don't see the couple staring at the windows with curtains still attached and a frame attached to nothing. I see me, me wondering in a symbolic wasteland, a survivor, the shock, the splintered remnants of Western civilisation, no, it isn't it's a Japanese couple whoes who have lost their town and most of the poeple they now. Of course I do believe dreams like that are about dispersing the misery, the truama into bite sized chunks.

My dreams are much more formal these days. Probably to do with the upcoming tribunal, arguing with fucked up faces from the past. I'm working through senarious, like I'm strugglying to find the right symbols. Airports, escalators,stalls selling shiny things, lots of that sort of stuff. Been going on too long to read much into, self explanatory.

Have found a way of making the shadow of this one a bit more managable. Nothing new!
wish us luckx