..dear reader..

But I think I've already smiled at, messaged all the women near here. I wonder if its cause I don't have a job, I'm sure someone will come along, then someone else and the whole experience will make me choose to be alone. At least that way no one else gets hurt, just me. Friggin social worker is infringing on my existance again. Being cornered into meeting her at the nursery, on a more postitive note the Chinese food delivery people messed up our order and I have everything originaly ordered to snack on over the next few days. Prawn crackers, noodles, beef in black bean and most important, satay sauce. Gotta take the smooth with the rough. At least not hitting it of too well with bloke from the internet #1 means I dont have to face that fucking wall of still being in love with someone I haven't seen or spoken to in years. Am hoping for a bit of help with that one, nothing thats to hard work of course. Might be in a place where easy comfort is long of the cards....

and gave a rubbish hug. I'm sure it all wasn't what he wanted, small child, macdonalds, smoker with a cough, helping move furniture and meeting my mother. Well I don't expect to see prospective sexual partners before midday. We talked about curroption, Fifa, he's quite attracive, side on I could easy turn him into Tupac. Who he is a big fan of. When I talked about seeing him again and maybe coming to Glasgow, he said perhaps. I'm going to look for a woman. I have been totaly able to remember lesbian sex with cringing or weeping, I should think so to with some of the partners I remember.

Well he's not getting in here anyway, not until the shelves are up... So the plan is to meet tomorrow. I will have wee man, still haven't sorted out a mobile and there is a bit of an accent barrier. Hmm complicated. More nervous about having to get up early, iron and tidy at the moment. Although it looks like I will have to take him back here. Is this wise, introducing a man to your child and taking him back to your home when you haven't met him before. Can't be any more dangerous than letting people I know see mini me. Thats maybe not a good attitude. Just cause he spun me a few lines of poetry. I really want to meet him and see how we feel, the only thing is he's come a fair way on the bus and I'm too polite to tell him to bugger off if its not working for me. And if it does work for me?! I dunno. Time to go back to Dawkins, Darwinism and dodgy conditionals.

Bring it on. In small does of course and lots of nicotine, calories and intoxicant. Its the fear of the fear that has a shadow I shrink from like bacteria in a petrie dish of bleach. Praying there is that one percent of me that makes it through, turning the bleach to soup. From containment to niche. The fear that maybe they're right about the physical differneces between women and men mean different social positions is right. Different sexual apparatus, different sexual positions. I've been skimming for a mention of homosexuality. Haven't found it yet but I'm not dipping my toes in that much. The fear that by chosing to study I'm volunteering for head rape because its not what I'm made for. I'm going against my biological needs. Thats why I'm misrable. So the business, if what developed in that enviroment, no need for justice or voice or compensation. Darwinism as in 'shit happens get used to it'. I'm sure there are more positi...

I'm sure there are better ways to seduce someone.. It wasn't just about rape of course, it's called 'Transcending' after all. I'm not some shallow muppet that knows fuck all about the world, I want him to know that. I may not be what he's looking for but today I'm up for finding that out as soon as possible. Again the wiser thing would probably be to go with the flow, enjoy the attention, flirt some. I put my heart on my sleeve to much for that, besides interacting with people takes a lot of energy. Energy that can feel wasted if it turns out he's a wanker. Darwin amd conditionals for next essay. Really starting to feel like its time to start making the most of this course now that literature is over. I can do this, arguing used to be the whole point of my existance. It was why I got up in the morning, thats why it go so difficult there was no one to argue with. Not about anything meaningful to me anyway. I wonder what he'll think o...

I hate it. I hate running out of toilet roll, I hate the roasting hot pee, I hate having to change my pants more times than the wee man. I hate the fact that I let the place get dirty, cleaning on the area around me, only the essential dishes. Actualy did a few more today. It's been so nice living without colds, I hope this isn't basicaly it for every school term forever. I hate having a hot face and a freezing everything else, I really, really detest sore throats. Those anti bacterial lozenges have made a huge differnece to my life I suspect. Simple things. So a theoretical date, he asked if he would be staying over. I appreciated that and said no but probably next time. Oh my. If it doesn't work, I'm going to look for a woman. If that doesn't work I'll will go back to looking for a man, romance I can handle.. I would certaintly love to take him back to the family, should cut out the racist banter, except from middle sis but she's a psycho any...

Done. Lets just hope it makes it to Walton House on time.. Not a bad effort, not much in the way of shinning but its a hard course and I started it in a refuge, then moved, decorated during the course. The printer traumas and nasty cold over the past few days is pretty much as you would expect. He fell asleep on me a not long after we got home from posting it, a second babbling and wriggling the next snoring. Some amount of doobage. If it was a normal assessment it would be a low 2nd surely, its much better the rest. Not that I care to much about that now, I wanted to do the course even though I knew it would be a struggle and I have. I'm in the mood to start reading for pleasure again, literature course tend to stop me doing that. Now I can focus on philosophy, of the 2nd year kind, yeah.. I can completly forgive myself from depriving wee man of socialising because it stopped us feeling like this once a flipping fortnight. I don't like being fevered, I don't l...

15 minutes late for doctor this morning but she saw us and we have started me on a new antipsychotic. Danger of death in the side effects, great. Struggling a bit. In the morning, the evening. It's starts as a constant nagging 'this isn't good enough' feeling. Then the motivation goes. But the dishes are getting down once a day and made a phonecall. In some ways getting down can be very motivating but my appetite, my will to buy food deteriorates. Friend took wee man to nursery and to the park afterwards, massive help. Fuck this essay, Ghost Road and Women On The Edge of Time. Just the sort of issues to make me feel better, ideas lurking but expression isn't happening. Starting to address little man's over use of screen based entertainment though, 'No more computer games today.' 'Wii?' No. Gotten a bit slack but he's tantruming more so its time to bring back a better routine. Saw showcase start talking about mind control, didn...

I've wanted to write this essay this I first read Woman On The Edge Of Time in my midteens. Now it's due in 2 weeks I cant face it. I know I will get something together, but I can't see it doing well. I've struggled with too much with this course. It comes and goes so much, the will to study. Summer fever of course, the will be anywhere but here, inside, as usual. There's been no poems and little thought of them. Just napping, and some sighing. Happy with wee man, except for the 'they're going to take him away fear'. He said 'its a secret' a few times over the last few days when I've asked him about nursery. I get the feeling they have concerns, or rather they know the social worker does. There is one in particular who rarely smiles, she gives me horrid chills. There is always that knowledge, that if I knew something was going on, if I saw it in front of me. Talking about it would just make things worse because of the delusional ...

Skipped the lesbian night out to go to the beach. It meant listening to my sister bitch as usual. She started talking about going into child protection. I had to get up at this point and roll a spliff. Thankfully when i inevitably put my point of view across it all went quiet and she went to bed. I have been thinking about making a more serious go of the studying. Only thinking though. I've stopped reading fiction at bed time again. I shouldn't beat myself up about that, it very easily leads to not being able to sleep well. No anti-psyco meds, so great to free of constant hunger or tiredness. Will probably be offered another. I think thier maybe was benefits, in terms of distancing myself from constant reminders. I was pretty much indifferent to most of the wedding crap but now the pictures are making me feel quite sick. I imagine you don't need complex PTSD or a delusional disorder to feel like that though. Fucking aristocracy. Grow a pair and sort it. ...

Ditched the new antipsychotic, the energy to play with children on beach was much more needed for mental health. I think there might be more images of things that I've seen happening to wee man. Its hard to know if there has been any impact on th effect of other events. It was very good to get away last weekend and the fact the sun shone the whole time sometimes enough the cancel the east wind. Waves up beyond his waist the wet sand was to cold for me. The news about Bin Laden on the journey home. It's the other shoe dropping in a way. Through my cynical eyes though I see an empire that has an ideology built on superiority going into non-Western state and gunning down someone that lots of people would like to talk to. But seeing the best in the worst is a bit of a truma related sickness to me. The way he was demonised by the American authorities and press didn't help. I wondered if he was exploited by American intelligence and security services like I've been ...