May 18, 2011

New meds.

15 minutes late for doctor this morning but she saw us and we have started me on a new antipsychotic. Danger of death in the side effects, great. Struggling a bit. In the morning, the evening. It's starts as a constant nagging 'this isn't good enough' feeling. Then the motivation goes. But the dishes are getting down once a day and made a phonecall. In some ways getting down can be very motivating but my appetite, my will to buy food deteriorates. Friend took wee man to nursery and to the park afterwards, massive help. Fuck this essay, Ghost Road and Women On The Edge of Time. Just the sort of issues to make me feel better, ideas lurking but expression isn't happening. Starting to address little man's over use of screen based entertainment though, 'No more computer games today.' 'Wii?' No. Gotten a bit slack but he's tantruming more so its time to bring back a better routine.

Saw showcase start talking about mind control, didn't watch much enough to remind me I'm not alone. Seeing the GP and the shrink make me need to here it more than ever. Babies, possibly of certain bloodlines traumatised so they can be controled as adults, 'mancurian candidate' type killing. I've never seen mancurian candidate, hollywoods use of real life hell and proper evil for profit and entertainment just another way of rubbing salt into wounds.

So good to hear about IMF chief in Rickers, even if he's innocent! I've getting plenty of pictures but I try not to make to many assumptions about that. The jovial rapeist, flips between small talk and orders. Christ I wish I had a little more support enough for me to take the blinkers of. I'm not a pack animal, but isolation doesn't work for me either. I wish they had been a bit more successful sometimes, in creating 'subjects' maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much.

Anyhow, the study at the moment is difficult but something will be sent of on Monday. Issues of art and ideology are in my head all the time anyway, what is the relationship between war and gender, violence and sex. At least I'm confident about one thing, good books should make you feel better not just show described the illness.