February 08, 2012

Wierd Wedding Memory

I didn't want to have sex in my room, for obvious reasons. He agreed, he was older and wanted to wait anyway. I wasn't so sure, I couldn't see the point in waiting when I barely remember one day to next. One day we took the dog out and I took him into a field and behind a wall. The field was pretty bare it must have been about Spring time, or maybe a less cold day in autumn. I had thrilled myself all day at school feeling the condom in my pocket. My public consciousness didn't know what I was holding but was well aware of the excitement, there was dread to, but I knew that could easily be a sign of doing the right thing, of going against the conditioning.

A while later there was a phone call, they found the condom. 'Christ.' I said, 'Haven't you lot got anything better to do?'. 'It was consensual then?', 'Yea it was my idea'. Then I remember getting out of car, outside a big old, Church in a big old city. There's an intelligence type waiting, one of the more human sort. 'Glad you could make it'. He says, smiling. I don't know what I'm doing there, but I'm used to that and I don't feel particularly threatened. I'm taken to a room round the back of the church, 'That's pretty', 'It's for you.' Inside the church is full of familiar faces that I don't want to look at for long because of the intense conflicting emotions and memories it would bring up. Up at the top, he's standing there in a suit next to a best man I can't remember. Can't remember the service either, just the way he cried after that kiss, people in the pews went, 'aahhh'.

There was a reception, I drunk lots, danced lots and acted pretty daft went I was told it was time to go I was disappointed. 'Where are we going?'. 'Your honeymoon,'. I tell him I have to sleep during the travel. I wake up on white beach, with a little cabin, people brought us amazing food that he would watch me scoff down.

Before he was sent to jail a policemen gave us time in the back of a police car together.

It came to me last night and stupidly I touched myself try to see if it would help me figure out if any of it had happened. It didn't. All I got was the ache and memories I had no emotional response to. Afterwards I felt awful and when I sat down at the computer to put some music on I expected it to hurt. These days it has all melted into one, the rape, the exploitation and the consensual that I thought brought me back to life, all the same, none of it really me.