February 05, 2012


It wouldn't of been possible even a week ago to type 'Messiah' and explore the stuff I am about to explore, maybe I have touched on this before but I don't think so. There is still a fear that this will help identify who I am and that talking about this will start things up again but it is not stronger than the need to see it out written down and 'out there' instead of being 'in here'. Reading Ritual Abuse and Mind Control: The Manipulation of Attachment Needs has taking a lot of the power and the shame away from that word. I finished the Chapter on programming yesterday and read Chapter four 'Love is my Religion' written by an anonymous survivor last night. I am not able to give the coherent linear outline of what happened like this author did but reading it has made me feel a lot more confident that one day I will be able to.

Being made to feel special, being told that you have special powers is a tactic often used by abusive cult groups. This is compounded in me because of the support that I got from people who I have called the resistance in the past, people who helped me, people who undid and replaced programming. I don't now when it started, possibly from birth, I was being told that I was going 'to stop it all'. This came from various groups and individuals and I don't associate all off them with torture. Some satanist groups said I was the Messiah and abuse was centered around me, my body fluids, my shit, my piss, my menstrual blood, the products of my uterus were seen as giving who ever consumed them power. Programming had been installed so that if when I was driven to extremes and I started to believe I was a Messiah I suddenly found I had great strength. I knew from a young age that the more you consent to programming the more effective it is and although I was scared I was consenting to the people who were giving me inner and practical resources to protect myself. They gave me protective programming that undid its self after an event or a memory had resurfaced for example and I worked with them. I was taught how to program others with and without trauma. They would also provide me with guns and contacts. Part of the 'ending it all work' required murder and torture as someone who was surrounded by extreme violence I never questioned this.

Being deeply suspicious of all religion, I was quite happy to use 'The Messiah' as a mask, an alter, to fight, to keep me separate from cult identities and see it as ridiculous satanism and even laugh about some of it when I was safe. But during my teens the control over my reproduction, the babies, the embryos and foetuses the diliberate bonding followed by betrayal or death, I lost the ability to take a step back and laugh about it all. I started to believe it for real, I was a saviour I had to be or I would not survive. I started working on my own, programming myself more without prior instruction. When I was in refuge the first time I saw a young woman I recognised from a group. My support worker later said that the young woman had said 'She was recruited, she took it over, she ended it.' Of course, its my job.

The longer it went on the harder it was for me to stay even remotely stable between torture and work if I stopped believing. I started verbalising 'I am the Messiah' during my breakdown in 2001 without being able to stop myself and narrowly avoided being sectioned. Of course, I was just carrying out programming, training but it gave me a lot of spiritual resources. As much as don't believe in religion I did believe that the founders of major religions were benevolent, good intelligent people and I could reach them, talk to them. Of course, I did not 'end it all' there is still plenty ritual abuse and mind control going but they leave me alone. I ended it all for me and that is miraculous enough.