February 24, 2012

'Now that were all here, were not all there!'

Breaking Ritual Silence: An Anthology of Ritual Abuse Survivors Stories an Amazon import from the states. Excellent, I would recommend it to anyone regardless of how far along they are in terms of remembering and accepting. Not that it's the kind of thing you can read quickly, but even having it around is good. Struggling to find the right time to read though. Last night was fine, some of what I have read so far are more testaments to survival and healing rather than records of abuse, I went to sleep in hope. I read some when wee man was at nursery today and was worried that I might of been swaying I felt so dizzy waiting to pick him up with the other parents. Going to the shop and walking him home was fine, he was chatty as he usually is and we had a laugh. When we got back in I started feeling claustrophobic and really depressed again. Chances are I would be feeling that way anyway, I hate it when my birthday falls on a Sunday. Much easier for all those weekend Satanists to be involved.

I'm really tired and it feels like I'm coming down with something, again. I want to write about how I responded to the stories, the way they seem so much stronger than me in terms of what they can remember or because they cut of all contact with their families. I know comparing myself to others is never helpful, we all have different horror stories and ways of coping with similarities and differences. Some worked, studied and raised children as they remembered and got therapy but not everyone. It will be hard though, accepting birthday presents from my mother and the money I need because I spent the lecky money on a present for wee man and wine for me, with the doodles of bone scrapers I used to draw stuck in my head. Something about her being a nurse, with considerable expertise. The sense I have that huge parts of me are still in that Glen isn't going away, I dream about it almost every night like everyone else there has moved on except me.

Dont end it there girl.

Someone who knows about this stuff is trying to find me a therapist, I have had lots of support from twitter, things are changing but its slow and that makes me feel like this is as good as it will get for me but it wont be, if change doesn't come to me I go out and find it.