Continued dodgy physical health makes it so much harder to do the normal stuff people do that keeps the depression manageable. The sore legs I got from housework got worse and now my throat is so sore I cant face eating and feeling nauseous when I do. Several times in a row now I've come home from staying at my mums and woke up with a nasty virus the next day.
Maybe the colds are away of avoiding dealing with the difficult relationships with my family, maybe its little mes' still waiting for their mum to stop it all and explain everything away. I think about the time in the Glen when there was a load of porn being made and someone took pity on me and told me to go to my bed (alone) because I wasn't well. Strange that someone should be so involved in child porn and then for some reason have the compassion to let me of because I had a fever. Maybe I think that if I stay ill I don't have to be involved in all that society crap.
I haven't managed to draw a line between 'Satanic' and 'normal' cultures I'm not sure if I ever will, but I would like to see things differently. When there is so much distance between what is and what is accepted I can't see how I can ever really integrate myself into any community. It would be easier if I didn't identify all lies with evil, which is a bit of an extremist point of view. I understand why I feel that way though, everyone I have known lied to me, I needed them to or my systems of alters would fall apart. Sometimes the only people who told any kind of truth was rapists. They told me my whole family did this to me, that they would come back and take me away and my parents would do nothing to stop it, that the police would not help me. They were right. They were wrong about a few things though, 'it' isnt what I'm for and 'it' isnt going to happen my whole life.
I started 'The men who stare at goats' and was just about finding the right distance where I could read and remember without getting overwhelmed when my son and niece came in. Not sure I can go back to it now. Not tonight.
I watched some of David Cameron's speeach from Edinburgh today, I hate the way politicians go on about how 'great' history is. Sure enough, exploitation, colonialism, genocide and wars, great stuff. Why does there have to be so much bullshit?!
Nevermind I'm feeling well enough for a plate of pasta with tinned tomatoes, a heathy dose of extra virgin and a sprinkling of mature cheddar with a cup of camomile tea on the side. My life has improved this much there is no reason to believe that it can not get better still.