February 10, 2012

That's better.

I'm glad I said all that. I know every time I communicate things that I am expected to feel too insecure to even think about, I feel a little a lighter and a little more settled in my flesh. I have a lot of really oppressive dreams involving bags and bags of black rubbish sacks, filthy showers and broken toilets. The earlier post has brought those dreams to mind in a less stressfull way, like the chaos in my head and body is being addressed.

Cause whatever else it all might be it is definitely shit. The ritual abuse, the Satanisms, MK Ultra like mind control programmes, the rape, the varied, creative and well researched forms of torture, the government sponsored scientists training subjects for involvement in organised crime and international terrorism. It's all just shit. Shit I'm not prepared to let keep me in pain, indoors and terrified of my own existence for the rest of my life.

Most of the people who I have really known at any point, who knew and loved me usually agreed. 'Talk. There is nothing else you can do, we'll be there for you.'. I worry its hardwired, and not in the sense that it is a path I choose a long time ago but a path that was chosen for me by very, very bad people.

But all I can do is do what feels right, to do what I need to do to stay safe and better in that order. I don't think I have much experience of trying to make my life better it was always about getting a life that was conscious. I have never been here before. I feel very inexperienced.

Even at the moments when its impact on my life was at its worst I knew the Internet would one day pay me back. The friends I have found online and the books and sites that their compassion and interest has given me the courage to read are challenging my core beliefs. I accept the raw nerves, and that pain round about my cervix that hurts every morning and night at the very least and often all day. I'm not hiding in states close to comatose, under faith in the supernatural, damaging relationships or work. I don't rip by brain and soul apart trying to dissect its deep and complex causes because I believe convictions so strong could be the result of being turned into a robot. A robot that seeks to aid everything that causes mass amounts of damage to anything that even suggests Humanism. We are all a lot more complicated than that. Nature finds a way.