..dear reader..

So the behind the scenes, controller, knows everything parts.. You gave us a break yesterday didn't you? Thank you.   You know the script, Ukraine, Gaza, organised abuse inquiry led by ppl who have raped us. 3 of them, so far & 1 of them did some programming our DID against us. That would Mark Conrad. Who we have been emailing but won't be meeting up as has been suggested for obvious reasons, 2001, Glasgow & up at my Dads, after I had cleaned up and started sleeping in the room next door to wee mans, not sure exactly 2008/9.  Would of been worse but some blokes turned up and told him to leave.  Think it may of been him that we seen in town last year.. Dunno and no doubt we have more recall coming. Certain about the exploitation and the rape tho, sometimes with Moyles he wasn't into the really sick stuff, liked the vulnerable parts that thought if someone wasn't intentionally trying to cause as much pain and humilation when they raped me that it must be love.. Th...

"You are a major pain in the arse!" "Actually I'm just a lieutenant." Lots a uncle rape memories at the moment, it really was quite extensive.  Mum was in the house one time and screamed for her help she opened the bedroom door and angrily told me there was nothing she could do about it before shutting the door and leaving him to get on with it.  After slashing my arms and wrists he asked me why I'd done it. I said 'why do you think?' he asked if I hated him, I said 'course'.  I think he left the room after that or maybe we made that part up.  Another time, presumably a year or so after because the bed was on the other side of the room, arrived back in Scotland after being god knows where, must have gone awol or some shit because there was no blanket amnesia, I was jaded, fully aware of my potential for violence and how abusers worked.  I acted like the very vulnerable parts all broken, terrified, needy and small and just as expected him ...

Ok, lets try and get as much of this down as possible to see if it challanges the sense that we don't matter and that we are letting other victims down.  I don't think many of the names apart from Tong and Savile was included on the written statement back in March.  I really wanted as many as possible to be on it but was exhausted and didn't want to listen to the explanation as to why she hadn't included them.  I was kidding myself that they would be back for further statements, where we could focus on elements, individuals, specific networks instead trying to give a brief overview of 27 years of abuse. In terms of the 80's the memory of sitting somewhere and saying to the bloke who plays Kev in Coronation Street 'your not a paedofile are you?' was there from sometime around 86', it must of been held by some core personality or something because it's been there ever since.  Not certain and not all that interested in his answer, he may of nodded ...

Careful now, don't casually read. Especially if not having a good day.  The washing machine is in it's spin cycle. Our brain does what it is supposed to do and recalls the being raped on our kitchen floor in 2000 - 2001. Putting all they had into matching the violence of the spin as often as they could fit in to their schedules. He's purple in the face. Spity and sweaty screaming  'scream bitch' I'm passing out from pain.   A different crew are doing the same thing and asking me what I'm going to do when I remember what I will do know. They are more sophisticated and experienced in thier DID/sexual tortute skills. The young media/entertainment types that been used by the same groups as us growing up.  We were all in our late teens and twenties now, they were getting their rewards and I was getting my punishment. The other guys were criminal classes.  Contracted in I guess you could say. The pretence behind them was supposed to be some gang BS that most likel...

Really really happy with them and extremely happy to be in a place to do them and to remember doing them and to keep and show them.. Super shrink has given us plasticine, straws and cocktail sticks so we can make 3D models. Haven't done any yet but we probably will quite soon and we have lots of strong ideas about where to start..  Lots of moving around in our system, which is good a real sense if becoming more myself and confidence that I know how to become myself, ourselves and do what we need to do. It's exhausting though, the pain at times is so hard to bare and the knowledge and memory of the physical experiences gets us dangerously close to full on awful flashbacks. But we ground our selves, stop trying so hard to run from it and remember all the progress already made.  

.. here is some system maps. They are how we we would roughly map out what our internal DID system looks like at the moment when we try and think about where we came from, using what we have learned from other peoples descriptions of DID and therapy.

Clean jammies bottems, giant Ts, pants, cardy for us & boy trackies, Ts .. and pants that he will never wear.. We have coped worse.  It's all bit conscious though.. The parts, us, that have battled behind the scenes, hiding anyone that was awake from their own and everyone else's actual real physical origins are turning up at reception, with their neglected festering wounds. We were expecting them thought so it's all good as could be so far. More diazepam and cannabis and Guinness is going to be needed longterm and tasty food. FFS. As usual the being outside and experiencing a pleasant level of warmth and light. If I am going to be able to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.. Let's gets specific here. Exactly how many peoples' interests is it in for us to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth? ..      .... How much exactly do we need to remember of get to place where we know ourselves enough to trust ourselves.  They can not kill a...

Rain belting down outside, clean bedding, smokes, and chilled tunes, boys well fed, we were reading together tonight it was great. He's at a stage now that if it's books he's familiar with he will want to take over the reading and get into doing voices and stuff as well.   I don't really give a fuck how the school thinks he is getting on we all think he is doing absolutely fine. Gotta step back from twitter csa inquiry thing for a bit... We are back in a place where tweets the mention abusers and locations triggers more than the horrible uneasy feelings and handful of free floating traumatic tiny snippets that have been around forever.  Back to much more sustained, detailed, coherent recall.  With glimpses of how far we have come. It's how it works with the processing of it all whilst stripping back the victimised fronts. Going get a bit raw from time to time.  Harmen and her husband, Cliff Richards. Their names will never be right here. But it's fabulous to stu...

We are not going to cut we are beyond that. The debate is ongoing that's a good thing and of course MPs are going to hand it to already abuser compromised institutions like the police and the NSPCC and of course it's upsetting when your political representation ignores you. Picked up wee man today it would be good if he didn't hear us weeping within minutes of getting in the door. this blog passed the 50000 views (in 4 yrs! Viral!) would of made cheered us up if it happened yesterday. Would be good if we weren't withdrawing from antidepressants or had this stinking cold and pmt probably to. Would be good if we didn't have to live off £80 for next week when the Virgin bill is unpaid the schools are off and we are probably going to have buy weed if we want to stop crying. Would be good if journalists and others were more sensitive to the pain victims and survivors are going through and how offensive it is to see them congratulating each other when nothing real has bee...

Pain came back. We did well when it went away though just got up and did stuff didn't push too hard far expecting myself to some how make up for months of not being able to get shit done.  Starting to feel like we are getting a handle on some of the triggers for it, feast/famine dieting, IBS are definitely physical ones, suspecting female company is a programmed one, there is definitely a relationship between it and talking about what happened that is more complicated than, think about disclosing = pain. The relief for some many of us and they hear how strong other parts are and how close they are to them is really palpable with some of the scared. Then of course there is the relief for some parts that they do not have to carry whatever is being talked, read, written about alone anymore. They do not have to hurt themselves and the rest of us by pushing us away because we can't handle what they are holding.  It makes sense that pain gets worse before a whole batch of stuff shif...