July 02, 2014

relief,release,stress, relief, release, stress

Pain came back. We did well when it went away though just got up and did stuff didn't push too hard far expecting myself to some how make up for months of not being able to get shit done.  Starting to feel like we are getting a handle on some of the triggers for it, feast/famine dieting, IBS are definitely physical ones, suspecting female company is a programmed one, there is definitely a relationship between it and talking about what happened that is more complicated than, think about disclosing = pain. The relief for some many of us and they hear how strong other parts are and how close they are to them is really palpable with some of the scared. Then of course there is the relief for some parts that they do not have to carry whatever is being talked, read, written about alone anymore. They do not have to hurt themselves and the rest of us by pushing us away because we can't handle what they are holding.  It makes sense that pain gets worse before a whole batch of stuff shifts from snippets to incidents and travel to and from, ect.

 We have writings to show to T going into more details about what we believe is Taum. Everytime I use that word it gets a little easier like Haunt de la Garenne.  There's a big sense that who we are who I am formed on the edges of those pits, piles and tanks.  We stole and seeked out moments so it was just us and them, me and the truth. This formed strengthened our core which means it's something that many parts are aware of and we talked about lots.  Not being silent now is about self respect and respect for the victims, as the acceptance that it all  happened spreads across us it erases any distracting need to prove anything to anyone else.

Just need the parts that specialise in turning our biographical notes and flashbacks into mostly passive prose to get up and we're rolling!

..low on weed ppl and the schools are off..