July 13, 2014

Saturday July 12th 2014

Rain belting down outside, clean bedding, smokes, and chilled tunes, boys well fed, we were reading together tonight it was great. He's at a stage now that if it's books he's familiar with he will want to take over the reading and get into doing voices and stuff as well.  

I don't really give a fuck how the school thinks he is getting on we all think he is doing absolutely fine.

Gotta step back from twitter csa inquiry thing for a bit... We are back in a place where tweets the mention abusers and locations triggers more than the horrible uneasy feelings and handful of free floating traumatic tiny snippets that have been around forever.  Back to much more sustained, detailed, coherent recall.

 With glimpses of how far we have come.

It's how it works with the processing of it all whilst stripping back the victimised fronts. Going get a bit raw from time to time. 

Harmen and her husband, Cliff Richards. Their names will never be right here. But it's fabulous to stutter, spit then record their names.  

The stuff we tweeted about the dinner parties. Yep. Some of my back muscles relax at mentioning it again..

Weekends 'holidays' in there homes and abroad, slave, pet, poor soul taken in whatever they wanted and asked for whenever they asked. Or so it was supposed to be.  Count the different scenes, the industries professions and social groups involved  count the people in and around those scenes, count the years. 

Anyone willing to put there hand up and say they knew Butler Sloss had been given the inquiry some time many many moons ago. .. BS how would anything that was vaguely usish properly forget that..

Many moons ago though.. Back yond before the dawn of vast swathes of folk being easily in contact with each other and it all being recorded by loads of different people. And the yee oldie porn techs are always going to have their heids twisted by product, zonked out on cynicism to really spot the potentials. It was ever thus.. 

The parrells are always going to be tricky to disentangle, the internal DID system and the external abusive relationships. The systems they wanted me to make that were not, as they said 'to help me'. The faces we made up for comfort. The ones we are blind to.

We are confident that we have a pretty good or vague idea where most of the lines are drawn. Seeing what we thought being constantly confirmed helps of course although our therapist doesn't quite yet but then how the hell would she. We are going to a have a summer break I'm really confident of how we will progress afterwards. She's met enough of us for lots of us to feel ok and is starting to get to know her way around.  

It's good to be here. There has been so much unlocking of hurt women from my attics, cellars and towers. It might sound really wierd and I know your going think it's just the drugs but feel like my feet are on the ground the understanding that I have DID seeping further into every cell making me feel safer and stronger.

Didn't just wake up here. Of course. It's been extremely hard all year. Constantly having to let go of more and more stuff I 'should' be doing in order to make the most out of the time I have that isn't spent clinging on.  

What do we do with it all though. All that graphicnesss, the crunching and the sqweaking scraping of it all and how was that pain so often survivable the yes they did say that when doing that truth and yes that is them on the telly and your only going to remember more and it's already unbareable.

But eventuly there is just relief at not having to hold it all back. That little body and mind stuck there seeing, feeling all that I felt in those worst of the worst moments stuck in that for 30 20 years. I can feel the anxiety of keeping the details away from everyone physically leaving our muscles.  Its a moment that passes soon sometimes but other times, there is to much to process so easily.

The pain and the parts that lived it has to be held to be recognised and mourned before we feel how clean and warn and safe we are again. 

Body needs so much help though so many old needs suddenly all being heard and felt, more and more of them all the time. But we know how the avoid the worst kinds of dissociation manly because we have clear internal voices suggesting alternative ways of thinking and feeling when it really starts to get completlty overwhelming but they will have to just let us go and trust us sometimes.

Sure there's negative vicious voices around but when we give them as much as we can they show scared and tired they are.  They just wanted to go home and when they see it's not us that's stoping them there are not scary anymore.  

Other people are seeing more and more that lots of people with money are really really bad. Sure people with no money were bad to us to but if it wasn't for the people with money I would of been able to of gotten away from the poor ones. But we do feel alive and human and it's nice when we have time to notice it through the tiredness.

and that helps us more than the BS inquiry and all its rnames and faces and places triggers fear.. At the moment .,