..dear reader..

Feeling it today. Hiding out in bedroom while N and wee man play Zelda. A family meeting will have to happen soon. Never easy for any family but this family trigger our muted parts. Lips sealed because of the traumas and because no one listened or acted or even responded sometimes.  God there was so much hate for any kind of standing up for yourself or others. Even we were in trying to make the best of it states we could feel how much we weren't wanted it turned the air to smog and made the ground quick sand. Some of us and others who did time with the rings torturing them and telling them that they were Louise and that they were me so they would have parts that believed thought Louise's family hated us because we were steeling her place. Louise wasn't treated any better though and they didn't seem to care or fight for each other much either.. Our memory is influential of course as is all of yours. Did they think it was us that was bringing the traffickers in? Did so...

An other funeral to get through. More kids to miss. We havent been here for them much since their mum died we've been drowning and getting our fingers stamped on everytime we bash against a sea weedy rock to briefly clutch. Being alone with our wee man is triggering enough. The three of them and us like we have been the ridiculous and horrific crap that will kill us if think for a minute that we are safe leaves nothing.  Days before we realised we were scared to the point of physical illness at the idea of them not staying with Margo or me anymore. Were not comfortble with a language that talks about letting human beings go because its bollcks we were thinking that what with us still having an pulse and other shit that has happened over the last year and a half and not not discussed here in any way that we dont fear for the bairns safety like we used to. Our head is still mince of course and we are no real state to mention names and not in a bad enough state to just do it anyway ...

She was always amazing and to be in an environment where we could just be and not hide what we were about was always so brilliant. She was just as bad. What a history. You won't be reading about it in a weekend supplement with a national newspaper any time soon unfortunately. Fighting more or less blind. We had so much tell each other. We were falling clues left by predecessors without any illusions about what happens to folk like us. So many kept locked up, squished and enslaved decade after decade. British authorities attitudes to intelligent sensitive people hasn't changed much in last few centuries, kill it or split it. She asked to track down one of the girls we still see everywhere. Scratched codes in attics and other places, there faces in mirrors behind us. Shouting 'Viva la revolution' in their Edwardian pinafores with double all the power and purpose of any of the French blokes that came before them. Women see their futures taken from them every time there is ...

Didn't get out of bed much again today Daddy. Think about you lots and what they did to your legs. And how I got you out.  It will be breaking a lot of hearts as more people find out why we have such a horrific time of it over here and how horrific it is. We don't want to think to much about the therapist this now but knowing you know helps. What can we have ever of done differently? We wouldn't of been able to just be and serve in the states like we did if more people had known. Seeing someone question everything you have worked so hard for them to understand about you before your eyes. You can move forward from it but its changed the relationship forever. Just what they want when they prefer you not to have any relationships at all. Which version of her can we believe was real? Her D.I.D was awful and there was only so much we could help her when so much of horribleness was the direct result of things she had signed for or was done in her name, her office. Russian mum a...

Mummy I just realised you hardly got out of bed at all today. Hope he forgives us for all the times we hardly get out of bed. We never had a problem with it. As long as there were hugs. Sometimes we would get too scared and forget everything and wouldn't be able to go in and ask for one she helped us work out steps to get up the courage to go in. But what if we are wrong about everything. But your not. Things were never simple though. We were never alone. His accent and vocabulary have become that of his favorite you tuber. Who is a well mannered young man but it hasn't helped how hard we take his know it all ness. We are scared of him and what this life if continues as it has been will turn him into. We know its down to us. We need to make him see us but we feel we have so little left for him and no where safe for him to go. Sunday nights. Been our cutting or want to cut night for months now. Skene early nineties some of the worst of it all. The posh boys didn't get so ...

Its not so bad, my arm. Hate that we are screaming like that. Not remembering as much as reliving everything that dragged us here. We are still mending bridges in our mind though. Blokes holding up notes, pointing at the profile and then pointing down at us. All so funny. Got the procurers excited in a different way. It was obvious they got off on uttering the very words to punters.  Posh palace paper pushers hated us and would still do anything to end this particular embarresment. Everyone else loves us but no where was ever safe for long. It was used in the Scottish RA as an excuse for other kids to be trained to distrust and trigger us. While anything we built up on our own would be undermined when it got out. When we were accepted we knew the violence was on its way and soon we would be back in Britain, torture, rescues, hiding, programming, escapes, capture, torture.. Filthy Soviet spy, little bastard whore and all. But they dont rape me mum and they care people and how can th...

Plenty times there was no morning after pill though. If you are someone they are making effort to take down and we are regardless of how amnesiac or active we are then folk doing rounds aren't going to get near.  When they really have you, you need formal state signatures to get out. So if your in the UK your fucked because the forces that put you there work in the interests and direct orders of the fuckers who put you there. As the blood in Patrick Church testified.  Safe. Spoonie didn't get that one. Mates dont need signatures and we dont always need signatures or mates to get out. Needed everything back then. It never came. Or came hurt and unprepared. Still waiting but need them much less to protect us from Gabe, Elaine, Shona McMann. Not sure about other Scots though or London & Leeds & Manchester crews though. So close to saving Louise. Too close. If we had just been stronger on the day. It was Gabe's. We keep saying it. We never stop. Help. Don't lea...

Can't touch the clean memory button and vanish like the beginning of grim blog post that hasn't been saved. Its OK though. We are all struggling. Knowing we need to be in our own flesh but knowing that flesh comes with so much pain and revulsion at the way its been treated. And not being able to stop opening your flesh up with a kitchen devil. Also not good for any of us. We bought that kitchen knife like we always do. We would love that we thought of preparing food or arts and crafts but when buying kitchen knifes but we don't. Some of us cant relax if there is nothing sharp in the kitchen or closer. We weren't conscious of how new the handle looked when we took it upstairs. Its been all about the mummy love me as I rape you flashbacks atm. They we after a pregnancy. Its all about the pregnancies and the fear of pregnancies. And orgasms. And getting specific shots for porn and public humiliation and hate. They are always very determined and would of got a pregnancy...

Didn't intend to cut so deep. All the other knives are blunter than we thought. Mostly bruises and temporary scratches.  Not the last time though. Needed stitches. We sang for them but none came. Stuck it together with a plaster and selotape. No one to take us and we weren't gonna bus it. Taxi there and back. £40. We were in and out in minutes. She said it didn't look deep before looking at. Opened up what hadn't healed as she cleaned it said it was too late that it didn't look infected and will leave a bad scar stuck gauze and a dressing and that was that. She called us some kind of affectionate term as we left but we didn't hear. Too busy scurrying out of there in tears. Always check a cutters temp ppl. There may be others we are not showing. And it makes us think you might give a fuck. Another cloud for the dragon tattoo. We would rather it wasn't there or wasn't as bad. Programming. Fucking hate it. Help.