December 29, 2015

Limbo

Feeling it today. Hiding out in bedroom while N and wee man play Zelda. A family meeting will have to happen soon. Never easy for any family but this family trigger our muted parts. Lips sealed because of the traumas and because no one listened or acted or even responded sometimes.  God there was so much hate for any kind of standing up for yourself or others. Even we were in trying to make the best of it states we could feel how much we weren't wanted it turned the air to smog and made the ground quick sand.

Some of us and others who did time with the rings torturing them and telling them that they were Louise and that they were me so they would have parts that believed thought Louise's family hated us because we were steeling her place. Louise wasn't treated any better though and they didn't seem to care or fight for each other much either.. Our memory is influential of course as is all of yours.

Did they think it was us that was bringing the traffickers in? Did so many people really enjoy raping and selling each other? Their trouble didn't start when Louise was born no way could that be true. Then we realised they were all just doing what they were told and weren't interested in even telling us apart.  Some of us realised early it was going to kill us. That the ' family' may or not be the ones to commit the actual murders but it the orders they carried out years, decades before placed us at the scene of our deaths and no one who could stop it would.

The aim is that the victim is dissociated to an extent that they never identity with their own flesh again and will be a meat puppet until death.  For us that fight to get home to our core, to control our own bodies and choices can't give up on ideals of basic human dignity but there is little here to give us much hope. Too many of our worst abusers have unquestioned support and everything is rigged to keep us from meeting our own needs.

We can't say it enough and we will never stop burning over the hobbling of generation after generation, we what the UK is and does. From the flimsy rotting facades of its culture to the absolute control of everything through horrific violence and advanced forms of social control behind everything. Not in a slaughter and maim people sort of way but in a constant physically painful need to be else where so my life can begin. So we can stop being scared of wee man and start truly accepting and processing anything.

We wish we could write better but whenever we read over what we have written we see what we want to say and the words we need and how far away they are. We've learned that the closer we feel to the things and people that make us feel safe and valued the further they really are. Its just another trick to destroy morale. It works.

We miss our kids. We need them. We are told nothing at times when we have a chance to really take in what's being said. Too busy trying to reduce the damage caused by everything else that is going on. Its not always the intention of whoever talks to us to overwhelm us so we become some kind of dissociated we have had many parts in many able states over the years but they get prevented from doing anymore working or socialising sooner or later. Its always devastating to the rest of us when we loose a professional, a communicator. Its no good having friends who would and could do anything for you if you have no means of contacting them or explaining the depths and complexity or the shit you are in.

...

We have to ask since we are in that kind of a pained mood. Was that an Xmas present from your people Liz? A sorry we slaughtered Anastasia but that is what we do after all but since your still annoying alive we better offer some kind of sick assed peace offering because we are being pressured into it?

..

We don't know what they fuck to do about having a name even for ourselves. If we asked our husband we think he would probably say if we forced him Diane or maybe Alexis. Its very hard to get away from the revolutionary well connected women since of who we are but part of that is being yourself and fighting for others to have the opportunities to be themselves not have a destiny mapped out for you before your born. It makes us feel unScottish which is always in it's favour if we are able to think outside the cell. 

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