An other funeral to get through. More kids to miss. We havent been here for them much since their mum died we've been drowning and getting our fingers stamped on everytime we bash against a sea weedy rock to briefly clutch. Being alone with our wee man is triggering enough. The three of them and us like we have been the ridiculous and horrific crap that will kill us if think for a minute that we are safe leaves nothing. Days before we realised we were scared to the point of physical illness at the idea of them not staying with Margo or me anymore. Were not comfortble with a language that talks about letting human beings go because its bollcks we were thinking that what with us still having an pulse and other shit that has happened over the last year and a half and not not discussed here in any way that we dont fear for the bairns safety like we used to.
Our head is still mince of course and we are no real state to mention names and not in a bad enough state to just do it anyway but the fuckers do not have the hold over Scottish victims lives like they have for centuries. They are still in control over everything else of course but we cant fight ignorance in high tech cultures at the expensive of our own flesh. I have seen to many sisters and brothers die because I thought they knew better. Broken hearts in cornered fighters. I guess its how they get anyone.
We never knew Margo as a fighter. Maybe she might of been or even was once but we never saw it and that always made it hard for us to respect or understand her when she was alive. We have been so scared of her because we knew she would never have our back. There was no truth and we were whoever she was told we were.
There is relief but its still more shock with no one to lean on or talk to.