May 29, 2017

36, 37, 38.

Yesterday was pretty great really. It was warm and not too hot so N and his mum's hedge trimmer have seriously reduced the monster hedge and given me space for hours more sunshine in the evening if there is any to be had. We got supplies but we are still really struggling with nightmares and feeling triggered. The time of year without sunshine to drag us out the house and into the garden we are a fucking mess. There is a lot about what me and pabs went through, that fucking terror when we knew how many were out to get one or both of us and knowing how impossible it was for us to reach help, when they got us both and when they had either of us. Being left that. Knowing if we didn't or couldn't get him out again no one else would or couId. Knowing that it would kill us to not get him out and if the rescue didn't kill us the hell that happened here afterwards just might.

 Don't know how many of us sisters they had in a never bad way and as is often the case if the cunts had be able to cooperate with each other just a little bit more then we would not be here. To use fucked up and mix up fairy tale anaoligies the Capitalists could never bring back the real heart to the bitter crumbling Queen because the real heart was in a golden geese that they planned to keep and keep laying for themselves. The evil sorcerers and scholars did the same but for creepier reasons and with methods the evil Kings who need and are desperate for us to be dead so we can't expose their crimes listened to their advisers who said it should not happen until we were older because of you guessed it .. greed but now we are to big and to hardened for them to easily smush. Especially as we fight to know ourself and feel no shame while they fight to never know themselves and never be known so we are always only stronger ground. Even when there is no ground at all.

Thankfully their jealousness, paranoia, resentment, projection and prejudice against each other stops the rings from communicating much truth to each other. Part of the design, so things stay more or less the same forever. How can you effectively resist when the smallest sign of possible gesture towards resistance reacts total quashing?

Well.. DID is how.. I guess..

And knowing how they turned our own systems against us and then being able to adapt the same techniques to them and apply it across the globe. Watching the smugness drain from the faces as they start to gloat about people not believing in human rights and things being to corrupt to do anything if they did care and us laughing at them for thinking we thought we could fix the world or some shit when what had happened was that they had spread us across the world and I had to extrapolate myselfs from whatever web we were in and doing what we could sure of everyone else but sacrificing our life, or any life to protect the disgusting levels of injustice and falsity? Hardly. What sort of a "higher power" would send a kid/s into that? Into this? Thats abusive hierarchy there neither profound or sacred or natural about it. That would just be rape, a very very low power.

Eventually it would turn into something along the lines of being here for the same reason every other cunt was to be paid. You could see their fucked up identical minds searching for an appropriate response but not finding any on file. Some were able to improvise and just saying something disgusting.

The triggers are also bad this now because of the external sharing that is going on. Hopefully and probably. The trumpeters are a bit busy and no doubt have zero fear of us because it doesn't take much data or insights to know that a lot that is against them if against us more. Not just but definitely mainly because of them being convinced of things about us since babyhood that any truth to has only come about after decades of them believing it. None of this system ever daydreamed about CNN doing pieces on the 37 of us and the inter gallatic fucking slave trade, other beings and really really ancient European Satanism that just never stopped..

A few of us have dreamed about doing pieces on doing stuff we are good at and enjoy and being mysterious about our difficult pasts. Of course there was grooming to make us and others think it might be a possibility and sometimes we would even play along because it was fun but we knew and know the chances of mass scale total destruction of urban areas were always much higher than one of being good at something and sharing stuff on Western MSM by consent and we always knew the people that "didn't like what was going on" but wanted to respect existing authorities over anything that wasn't would never understand what they were surrounded by. Very wilfully sometimes. The fa├žade of a middle ground that it is radically to the right has gotten particularly flimsy..

 But none of it makes still be held here like this any better today. N of course tends to make us feel worse but been unable to understand anything about us and not being to notice or tell that there us been more than one physical person here. Ever time any of tried to tell he would just deny everything and repeat the fiction with out any glimmer of a sign that he was able to remember anything at all. Presented with more than one of us in room or any of the kids we have very vivid memories of him literally covering his eyes and just saying "No" loudly. A triggered part in a system incapable or unwilling to attempt or work towards self awareness. It was so horrible for us and the kids we had to give up.

He has been used as to provide evidence for the psyches or whoever else to deny any trafficking and support the Delusional Disorder. But he cut our hedge and we got him to take junior to the park and that is really helpful when we can't do it and no one else will.

It's release. Feeling like this. But essential release because of we don't get it out the way we are dead meat and it's almost June again. We are not releasing this stuff to ourself because it is safe to and we are supported with it when are briefing ourselves internally for the sake of survival. That does not help make us less angry and physically ill with fear and know it is only emotional residue from the past few years its also a predictable response to ongoing events.

I don't when there was last a June that we didn't come out of with more parts and in very different arrangement to when May ended. Maybe there never has been one and we ending into another with nothing going on but absolute worse case scenarios. Again not because nothing can be done but because this is how things are and people are too stupid and too cold to imagine anything else.

"I thought is was 36"

"It is. Excluding me and the both sets of genitalia"

Everyone went pale and upset as we all remembered ze.

"When are we getting ze out?" Someone said.

"Actually thats why I needed to gather you all here today. We are getting ze out today." There was a mixture of smiles, relief and others getting serious and finding their war faces.

"..Then it will just be you?" She looked a bit like she kinda wished she hadn't stated it so clearly and so loudly and so simply but we couldn't help start feeling really emotional.

"Yep. Just me. You lot will have to sort it out we won't be able to." They all looked so fucking proud and glad and grown up. I'm sure they will figure out something. We just gotta keep surviving and remembering and caring as much as we can till then.

We were to be left in a place, with very limited choices and in a state where we would have no choice but to do something that they could say was completely evil and unprovoked of course but we know in terms of our choices and states they knew very little and we were pretty determined to do nothing because we feel we have done enough.