..dear reader..

Put the bunting up on the 25th, seemed like a good time to do it, its cheerful. Wasn't trying to make it even but maybe wishing a little that we had now. It can stay as it is for now though. Weather helped a lot with misery levels of course. We have a done a fair bit of getting out and about. Shopping went well. Found a pair of short length size 14 boot cut jeans on sale, much needed as the size 12s from Amazon are a nightmare to get on and we didn't want to be constrained by jeans cutting us in half when we went for our "birthday" (unbirthday) tea. Glad we made something of the day instead of just feeling extra horrid and alone. The first time in the UK we sat in a beer garden in a tshirt getting healthier skin on that day. Its more usual for it to be snowing. Serious dent to our cash of course but it was worth it and it wasn't forced we wanted to have a shower, dry our hair, shop, eat and hit pubs and that is what we did. Told Pabs  that was the p...

25th. Think we get our DLA on Tuesday. That's so needed. Not just for food but because its the 26th. Epstein in the news yesterday was something to hear and see other peoples fury and revulsion at him, his lawyers, the supposed representation for some victims and the DOJ. We are not completely floored. Weepy and irritable but getting some stuff done, like ironing school clothes, changing bedding, eating food, wrote a letter about paying back the social fund, think we can write to Universal Credit to. Sitting at our table, that we ordered and built. It feels possible to letters there. Saturday we did this, We didn't vrrrrr. Paddling in February, even its a warm day for the time of year. Still. Been so grumpy with him, wishing he was maturer just so we would have some one to talk to, insanely jealous that he's a eleven and wants to take his toy swords with him when he's out. Playing. At eleven. And pubescent. Outside.  He's been making us cups of tea a...

Had to take a picture before christening the table cloth with spag bol. It was dark by the time we had made the tea but we did sit there for a little while before just looking out at the sky, the spires and a dude with a dog for a bit before. Now we can eat meals sitting at the table like the fucking civilised people we are. Should get some lovely sunsets to will be cool sitting there and looking out at them, drinking wine, not smoking. Maybe writing, drawing. We did allow ourself one smoke after tea at the table though as a reward for ordering and building the table and chairs. It definitely leads to smoking less when it involves discomfort and we want to continue that as well as respecting the landlord's wishes. Issues with our knees when building it though. Once when building the table and at least once maybe twice when putting together the chairs yesterday our a knee did that sudden extreme pain thing that I think is the knee cap slipping. Think it might be happening to b...

We didn't really think we wouldn't get a lease extension but being told we wouldn't be required to move again in a few months time has helped, quite considerably. The incremental settling feelings, the deep oceanic relief at being here without ring arranged contacts instead of there knowing any step forward would be met with resistance and backlash, hate and manipulation. So impossible to get free of the cyclical routines of amnesia, abuse, recall. For a while we were thinking we would pay for a drawing and painting course that is being run nearby, starting on the 26th. All the more reason we thought, start something positive, something therapeutic on that date but the week after week of dreams that leave us shaken, triggered and vulnerable changed our mind. They don't leave us in a kind of state where leaving the house and  spending time with people would help. There is too high a chance that if we forced ourself out and into company it will make us worse. The massi...

I know its not going help with the nightmares in the short term but they are leaving us too depressed, anxious and weak to do anything anyway. It does make us feel a bit different quite quickly and we will take that, its something. We are so close to detailed recall of the time spent breeding. One group were making sure we were only carrying/conceiving (?) boys for a long time. It didn't involve being raped by men it was all needles. They knew the main people didn't want boys so it was horrific abusive as painful as possible abortion after another. Think that went on for over a year. But the that ended and the main group found out about the other lot and they didn't get near me again. More tech was introduced, the worst of the Russians more closely involved, the Germans getting their hands dirty to and what you normally expect from the word "rape" began. It did feel different to be carrying our own. We tried to ignore it but it was obvious. There was one mayb...

Didn't have awful dream shock when we woke up. So we lay as long as we could feeling comfortable and okish but when we did get up to pee and make a cup of tea, see if we had chocolate left the pain was around enough to make us weepy and irritable again for most of the day. Watched 'Nappily  Ever After' and was distracted and warmed by it. Had us thinking about our girl. Not a daughter. Our girl. Usual when writing out here we can't remember names or places, we don't know what is our own memories and what is someone else's or is we have chopped and spliced different stuff up together, to hide things, to force sense or stuff that just doesn't make sense or because we were forced to. Someone had already said something about noticing the way we watched you. They were pretty sure you hadn't noticed and we were very relieved about that, we didn't want to freak you out. We had tried not to think too much about it we were aware we found ourself watching y...

Didn't feel so bad today, don't think we have wanted to cry at all because the odd sniffle or tear over the telle novella doesn't count. Didn't want to do much else and often don't when we have a better day after lots of shitty ones incase something happens that pushes us back down again. An essential thing got done at least. Feeling a bit angry that we have been abandoned unable to do anything about it before now but what were supposed to tell schools when they say the lad may need to see a professional about something, "yeah I hear you but me and my murdered trafficked sisters didn't have many or sometimes any experiences of being treated appropriately by professionals in their professional settings growing up we just more abuse and there wasn't and still isn't any relevant and safe authority to complain to about it and soo many people from soo many professions and backgrounds have tried to hurt him or said they were going to kill him so its ki...

Back in the just wanting to cry all the time place. Wish we got be put in touch with the mental health team when we first asked or the month after that. Now we are feeling terrified of the damage the NHS has done. Could possibly ask about upping our antidepressants that's a straightforward question and easier to say than attempting to ask for help, any help. We can be distracted with Jane or hidden objects but when we stop to go for a pee or a smoke we are back to holding back the sods and knowing is not a case of if we let them go we will feel better. Think we need to quit the media again. We got into for a while, watching clips of mainly msnbc and Coldbeer's late show. Pablo laughed so much at Colbert once that he spilled his juice over us both. But now instead of feeling positive because of investigations into crappy criminals that are the dump org and swathes of the right wing and fake left we just hear "you don't exist and any crimes committed against you, your...

We were watching her shoot and shout out orders. She was so amazing we were so proud she was our mother. We wanted to help so we fetched her more ammo before she ran out. We were very little, she looked happy surprised briefly, then held and me and kissed my cheek and said she loved us before turning and reloading and firing. We were so happy and so glad we could be of some help to her and not just a source of worry. We felt so safe despite of all the noise of gunfire, explosions, the shouting and war smells or probably because of all the war noise and smells. Its why we put "wish you were here" on our Spotify list. It makes us think of our mother. Where Pink Floyd her or surely her mother's or her mother's mother's Radiohead, her DJs, her R&B, her Oasis? We don't think it was Hebrew she mostly talked to us in. It was German but we can remember the accent. Guess talking Hebrew to me would be as painful to her as it would be for me to talk in German to...

So Mr delicious face did die. It had been hinted at of course but death of a very much loved one on TV always makes us feel very grim. The death and the immediate reaction of those left behind hits us pretty hard but then there is the love and support received by the surviving character and that always strikes us because its such a severe contrast to what we have experienced. We start getting flashes of Skene. We feel pretty confident we are not going to get much better without expanding some of those flashes because we feel so much of us are still back there and we can't move them on without going in but we always know we do not have the means or opportunity to do that. We would need love and support and weed at the very least, some kind of public justice or recognition maybe to and that is impossible when the public and authorities continue to be generally unjust. So much organisation goes into keeping a child in a state of shock, from preventing even basic self care and makin...

Hope we arnt too turned off by Jane now that she isn't a virgin.. Glad Michael didn't die though he is delicious. The whole being willing to give porn a go to help her with orgasims thing was particularly difficult for us. How does watching women fake it and directed fucking help it happen for them for real? But we have been told that believing in solid separation between sex and industry doesn't make us a freak, lots of others things make us a freak but not that. Although he may of been saying that so we would consider having sex with him. Not like its ever gonna happen and its a huge relief to feel of wishing that kind of normalcy could happen for us. Geriatric eggs and no experiences of loving sexual intimacy. Fuck you all. Starting to sink in how much less money we have now because of universal credit and us being unable to fight the standard amount we are currently getting. Done fighting these governments for basic rights. Wish we could cover up the white walls with...

Outside of "Jane" and objection hunting it just keeps creeping up and washing over us. The sobs, the constantly being on the paper thin edge of the sobs. At least we can enjoy Netflix and tablet games and not just be triggered and feel worse whoever we make any effort to feel better. Struggling to stay awake during the day and can't/won't sleep at night. Maybe there is some relief sobbing as well as just PTSD and mourning sobs. Its still sobbing though. I don't know if you know how it feels reader to weep, bawl over something awful not happening or knowing that awfulness is going to stop but from the outside it doesn't look like relief. So many of the times when tears and giving in were extremely close but not possible at the time get all tied up in it. There is never any release without exposing stuff that's been hidden from view, like there is no safety without remembering and realising in more acute details of why the safety is so needed and what happe...