Take back the light.

We didn't really think we wouldn't get a lease extension but being told we wouldn't be required to move again in a few months time has helped, quite considerably. The incremental settling feelings, the deep oceanic relief at being here without ring arranged contacts instead of there knowing any step forward would be met with resistance and backlash, hate and manipulation. So impossible to get free of the cyclical routines of amnesia, abuse, recall.

For a while we were thinking we would pay for a drawing and painting course that is being run nearby, starting on the 26th. All the more reason we thought, start something positive, something therapeutic on that date but the week after week of dreams that leave us shaken, triggered and vulnerable changed our mind. They don't leave us in a kind of state where leaving the house and  spending time with people would help. There is too high a chance that if we forced ourself out and into company it will make us worse. The massive distance between us and other people would seem even more gigantic and untraversable. The sense of deliberately being rendered hopeless and vulnerable when we just want to live and give would be compounded, not challenged.

Besides we havent been here long it doesn't make sense to put pressure on ourself so soon. We should maybe be forcing ourself to contact the NHS more but after everything and the total absence of reasons to believe things have changed contacting the NHS for health support and resources feels as safe and self caring as it would to apply to the BBC for a job. The CPN we saw after leaving hospital was good though and having someone one to chat to is invaluable.

Been getting a lot out of our Netflix subscription. Watched all of Greenleaf, love the Southern states Biblical poetic preacher speak even and the women taking over of course. Mae's speech near the end of it all was particulary beautiful, especially the assertion that faith should emphasis love and support not sin and punishment. Saw Edie, a film about an older lady climbing a Highlands mountain, tried not to roll our eyes too much about all the Highlanders having Glaswegian accents. That's not how people talk up there. Drones don't have make it possible for lower budget movies to get more stunning scenery in. Worried about how she got down again though. It was all pretty charming.

What else? Duty of care, or something like that it was okay. One about a work obsessed woman being ditched at the alter, meeting her estranged father, getting really drunk with him and then going on her honeymoon cruise with him. Pretty sweet. The sweet premise and Kelsey Grammer were what made us give it a go and it was the kind of cheesy loveliness with bouts of swearing and intoxication we are into. Goddam drug use though, yes Mr stereotypical Jamaican dude we will partake in the nausea cure, yes please! Please.

Actually watched a few episodes of Requiem, a BBC made creepy drama series about a musician who thinks she may off been abducted from small town Wales as a child with a big old mansion with a history of satanism.. Yeah I know. Don't know if we will bother with it all but we know we could if wanted to and it feels pretty good to be able to watch any of it without getting in a state. Its fairly derivate really, creepy woods and small town non English people involved in severe dodginess, little girls are disposal. Rural weather and landscapes as threatening, Drugs and/or PTSD dissociation?? Creative industries churning out content based on shit they are up to and keep covered up. Far from original. Hill House was better, wittier, better characters. Don't know if its our perspective or if Brits really cant write whole people. Just objects with functions.

Ordered a wooden table and two chairs so we don't always have to eat off our laps. Will look pretty nice next to the window in here. Be good for doing creative stuff at to.

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