February First

Outside of "Jane" and objection hunting it just keeps creeping up and washing over us. The sobs, the constantly being on the paper thin edge of the sobs. At least we can enjoy Netflix and tablet games and not just be triggered and feel worse whoever we make any effort to feel better. Struggling to stay awake during the day and can't/won't sleep at night. Maybe there is some relief sobbing as well as just PTSD and mourning sobs. Its still sobbing though. I don't know if you know how it feels reader to weep, bawl over something awful not happening or knowing that awfulness is going to stop but from the outside it doesn't look like relief. So many of the times when tears and giving in were extremely close but not possible at the time get all tied up in it. There is never any release without exposing stuff that's been hidden from view, like there is no safety without remembering and realising in more acute details of why the safety is so needed and what happened when there was no reachable safety.

Finding one of the faces on American news particularly hard to deal with, "kind of looks a bit like Jimmy Savile and dresses like him to .. Or eccentrically anyway." "Has a tattoo of a dodgy dead president on his back.. Not particulary dodgy by today's standards but a huge scandal in his day."

"This is really different to what its like when we try and talk about all this shit in Britain. And what its been like here sometimes to... Won't make any difference though.."

For some reason we got a moment of vivid sense memories of the taste of good weed today. Didn't help with the weeping. So much easier to make and keep this cute little flat cute with it. Wonder how much we would be getting done?