Your Beautiful
Didn't have awful dream shock when we woke up. So we lay as long as we could feeling comfortable and okish but when we did get up to pee and make a cup of tea, see if we had chocolate left the pain was around enough to make us weepy and irritable again for most of the day. Watched 'Nappily Ever After' and was distracted and warmed by it. Had us thinking about our girl. Not a daughter. Our girl. Usual when writing out here we can't remember names or places, we don't know what is our own memories and what is someone else's or is we have chopped and spliced different stuff up together, to hide things, to force sense or stuff that just doesn't make sense or because we were forced to.
Someone had already said something about noticing the way we watched you. They were pretty sure you hadn't noticed and we were very relieved about that, we didn't want to freak you out. We had tried not to think too much about it we were aware we found ourself watching you when you were around and thinking about you when weren't. We had noticed we got quieter when you were close and we told ourself that was okay. People feel things and something was going to force us out of where we were sooner or later. When we clocked ourself momentarily wishing we were back in Scotland where there wasn't anyone around that we wanted to be closer to or anyone else to notice it, it was obvious we felt quite a lot.
But We were Us and don't get opportunities to build any kind of positive relationships. The surveillance had probably already noticed us watching you to and it was physically sickening when it hit us this was going to bring you grief and misery.
You asked if we could help you straightened your hair. We didn't want to and didn't want to say no either. It was so hard to pull the straighteners through your hair we had to say something but was incredibly nervous about it. You looked a bit startled when we said what we said first, that was the easiest bit. Years later we got you to pick up the phone after taking out the worst of the surveillance you were under.
We really wanted to find the right words and really didn't want you to tell us it was easy for us to say that natural is best what with our white skin and straight hair. People can do what they want with their hair, their body, of course.
Talking and thinking slowly, breathing deeply we reckoned gave us a better chance of not sounding awful or saying anything fucking stupid.
Making firm eye contact in the mirror, "I feel that if your brothers expect you to do certain things with hair and are gonna think less of you if you don't then you are way to good for them and they are not worth you giving them a second glance." Think we talked a bit about our own struggles with body hair to espically our legs. How difficult we found it to shave them, how difficult we found it to shown them in public unshaved.
We asked that you never asked us to help straightens you hair again. Seeing our white hands on the straighteners and holding your hair, seeing the before and after was seriously upsetting us and we knew we needed to get our shit together and settled into post speech silence and focused on your hair and avoided your eyes in the mirror.
You shocked us a little when we saw and felt your hand enclose ours over the straightner. There was no way we couldn't not cry when we saw you were.
You couldn't not cry when we dissolved into a mess when you walked into the hotel bar with your hair shorter and unstraightened. We reached out to touch then pulled our hand back quickly and apologised. You laughed and said it was okay, we could it was because of us. We hugged for ages but it still wasn't long enough.
I think it was you that turned a kiss into kissing as we lay drunk in a room. We said something that it wasn't fair that the first girl you properly kissed was celibate, then it hit us and we asked if that was why and you nodded. We could so get that.
There was boobs to boobs cuddling and sleeping after I woke up soaked, quaking and stressed from dreaming and threw my sodden T-shirt on the floor. You did the same and held us. It felt very right, a kind of normal that is alien to us and just safe and wonderful.
You saw the difference cannabis makes out on the balcony and under the stars, you met little us after phoning one day and she was the one talking so you came round and saw it was me that had the little voice and not a little kid staying in our room that didn't know or wouldn't say where I was.
You took care of us, you never left.
Someone had already said something about noticing the way we watched you. They were pretty sure you hadn't noticed and we were very relieved about that, we didn't want to freak you out. We had tried not to think too much about it we were aware we found ourself watching you when you were around and thinking about you when weren't. We had noticed we got quieter when you were close and we told ourself that was okay. People feel things and something was going to force us out of where we were sooner or later. When we clocked ourself momentarily wishing we were back in Scotland where there wasn't anyone around that we wanted to be closer to or anyone else to notice it, it was obvious we felt quite a lot.
But We were Us and don't get opportunities to build any kind of positive relationships. The surveillance had probably already noticed us watching you to and it was physically sickening when it hit us this was going to bring you grief and misery.
You asked if we could help you straightened your hair. We didn't want to and didn't want to say no either. It was so hard to pull the straighteners through your hair we had to say something but was incredibly nervous about it. You looked a bit startled when we said what we said first, that was the easiest bit. Years later we got you to pick up the phone after taking out the worst of the surveillance you were under.
We really wanted to find the right words and really didn't want you to tell us it was easy for us to say that natural is best what with our white skin and straight hair. People can do what they want with their hair, their body, of course.
Talking and thinking slowly, breathing deeply we reckoned gave us a better chance of not sounding awful or saying anything fucking stupid.
Making firm eye contact in the mirror, "I feel that if your brothers expect you to do certain things with hair and are gonna think less of you if you don't then you are way to good for them and they are not worth you giving them a second glance." Think we talked a bit about our own struggles with body hair to espically our legs. How difficult we found it to shave them, how difficult we found it to shown them in public unshaved.
We asked that you never asked us to help straightens you hair again. Seeing our white hands on the straighteners and holding your hair, seeing the before and after was seriously upsetting us and we knew we needed to get our shit together and settled into post speech silence and focused on your hair and avoided your eyes in the mirror.
You shocked us a little when we saw and felt your hand enclose ours over the straightner. There was no way we couldn't not cry when we saw you were.
You couldn't not cry when we dissolved into a mess when you walked into the hotel bar with your hair shorter and unstraightened. We reached out to touch then pulled our hand back quickly and apologised. You laughed and said it was okay, we could it was because of us. We hugged for ages but it still wasn't long enough.
I think it was you that turned a kiss into kissing as we lay drunk in a room. We said something that it wasn't fair that the first girl you properly kissed was celibate, then it hit us and we asked if that was why and you nodded. We could so get that.
There was boobs to boobs cuddling and sleeping after I woke up soaked, quaking and stressed from dreaming and threw my sodden T-shirt on the floor. You did the same and held us. It felt very right, a kind of normal that is alien to us and just safe and wonderful.
You saw the difference cannabis makes out on the balcony and under the stars, you met little us after phoning one day and she was the one talking so you came round and saw it was me that had the little voice and not a little kid staying in our room that didn't know or wouldn't say where I was.
You took care of us, you never left.
