..dear reader..

 Any corner we found for peace, comfort over the decades they had you to destroy it for them. Any happy little, any doesn't give a fuck teen and you and yours were on the phone or at the door. All the fucking calls from your nearest and dearest. All fucking horrible. Calls to tell you your daughter's being abused and getting shit from you because of it become abusive calls from your daughter. Your wife under the impression she will get money from Mom you know because she needs it for basics like healthcare and education.. It's not what Mom wanted especially after she got the full brief on everything that had and was happening to us because of you so you probably have a shot at getting something. The conditions your first albums where produced in. Decade upon decade of horrific fucking crimes that We can't hold you responsible for because your clearly gone. It was still the 80s when the RAF started boasting about having my brother. Like We hadn't noticed. Like we did...

 If I remembered both it triggered all the work they forced us today for mum and bro and how amnesiac they both were of it. All set up the way to destroy any hope or love left in us. Were times in Dundee especially when the worst had been fought back or silenced for while and bairn and I were alright in the flat but could hear and feel everything and everyone around them and we felt infinitely freer and generally better off than both of them. That guy next to you that encourages you to forget or not worry about me well he's got my number on speed dial and he's not trying to help. It helped to remember that when attempting to address the abuser controlled DID you were both rocking whilst not making my own worse. And I thought We were nuts. Got to enforce some basics over your living and sleeping space.  We both got our final hugs didn't We? How generous of them. I handed over new tech and intel that the Brits have been hoarding, stealing and murdering over my whole life to a...

 Benefit day tomorrow. No idea if it would be best to spend on Junior's xmas or mostly on booze and goodies to keep our spirits up now. If we spend it all getting to December it's going to be particularly misrable if we go through the entire season without contact. Started growing way too late as well. Not sure if there will be much overlap between decorations being up and plant matter. Kind of gutted if we think about that. It will be easier probably to have a sense of Mum there just won't be any live interaction. Won't be pretending it's not her I'm missing but there has always been some more memories and movements of parts around Winterfest even if there isn't any drink or drugs to help facilitate it's always a little intimating as it gets closer. Partly why we go so nuts. Oh yeah we are going to remember everything we are and been and how totally powerless we are to give ourself safe and comfortable living conditions. What fun. Don't want to make...

 The only 'The Towers' we wanted, needed and have been involved in plans to harm and/or destroy. If it did exist but no longer became so how would we manage this without formal confirmation? Well We are going to know aren't we? At least partly. The very real deaths from above would theoretically protected it. In would maybe be in our mind as the reason locals always know so much so quickly and were kept ready to do any horrific shit any time. So maybe that would mean the main thing that keeps life so awful for us in the UK is no longer a thing. Yeah We would probably be too anxious and triggered and programmed to want to write about it or have any real confidence in any of it. Yeah it will be after our Mom has died and We wont have to keep ourself nuts to stop ourself remembering who she is and what's happening to her. And yeah we will have remembered We have a Home. And land. And drilling rights. No not any teeny tiny bit of Us thinks my mum decided she was going to le...

 Even if there was no option but to bullshit each other talking to her could stop the world from spinning. I got grounded. Afterwards we couldn't believe the calls that used to make us doubt ourself were all now ridiculous. Whatever had or happened whoever they clearly in no place to be able to help themselves never mind us or anyone else. The longer the calls lasted the more of our past We got. So this is how they keep Us answering the fucking phone it's the only way We get any connection with ourself. Through more fucking abuse, manipulation and exploitation. Once that calls over We know they are not going to wake Us up for our own good. Whose this now at the door? As the vivid words, times places of what We are supposed to feel and our own and our mothers efforts to mitigate it's all clearly in our mind instead dragging us down from beyond the sliver of anxious PTSD crippled consciousness. All just lit up. It must have been a while since either of Us had been able to che...

  We went out in the a.m. for backing, Got reminded pretty quickly it was the Sunday nearest 11/11. We didn't retreat, not much walking recently. Any effort was going to be a big deal. It's only when We are really up against it that We resent the sight of fake red poppies anyway. Rows of medals though dude was probably not that much older than us. We couldn't completely act like nothing matters. Too many fucking ghosts. Cooked the roast in bag chicken, par boiled then roasted the baby pots, pastry flowers and found a few carrots that were not totally bendy. Gravy. Of course. There was discussions. As soon as We move from 'where for art thou husband' back to Wolf Queen, that is when they might let him go. Do We shut shut that shit the fuck down and only share details when very essential or let it go, up to including securing the school run for the pilot's ex's ex kids and every bodies lunches on the actual day? Can We ever really turn our back on someone that...

Alienated and isolated triggers scripts so of course all the stuff about buying a third xmas T brings up the 80s. The first clear association is on the lawn in front of Balnaboth, summer time, some nasty zombie male threatening the life of the third intended recipient. Me feeling that this is all ridiculous. Other voices at other times also long ago saying good things are dependent on the buying of the T. Me just hating all this crap. All this forced to not feel, think or remember myself crap. There was some jealousy but mostly it was overwhelming relief to know Pete was home. Not in the house don't think any one can get in there without me. But in one of the flats. Couldn't say much over the phone of course. Don't know how many people are there now. All we care about is when the +2 of myself and junior is added and the shutters can stay up for a while.  Ran out of plant rations for the day how annoying for us but good for the plant. Grilled some lamb and stuck it in a pitt...

 It's pitch black at tea time that's Winter enough. We made a vague start on a runway once. Think I remember a call.       Looks like a runway your building there you know that's not allowed.      Yeah sorry I almost forgot was thinking about a big garden of some sorts maybe one day. Maybe more buildings for all our defenses they would all need some kind of road access if We were ever going to build. Not planning on doing much with it now. Just thought it best We keep busy.  Scottish Secondary School years. 1992/3/4 We don't think the wolves will need to Winter in the Wolf shed this Winter. Not for a while anyway and probably not for long if they do. It's them that are asking about it most. Where's the signs of homecoming?  We are finding the moody classical more to our taste anyway. Have a decent amount of gothic in telly and books too. I doubt she will see us to advent but she's here now and We can see our breath and see the tree lines...

 There she was the poor horrific horrid thing the was a neighbour in Fife, bed on the other side of the wall to our own. Pregnant telling Us they were going to convince me her poor fetus was mine. They were about the same stage. I wasn't convinced much of that but they would definitely convince the kid and the heartbreak of them bringing him back again and again after having free reign to do whatever they liked to him the rest of the time was going to be effective. It was going to almost kill us. Special child, Romanov, different fucking species. Brain like mine growing next to a brain like hers. To be fed and clothed in an environment where child rape and torture is not just tolerated it's compulsory. He did so well for so long. We always do. Got some Guinness and beef Space Raiders. Might not be able to get Space Raiders soon. What's happening with the Norwegian Satanists? States backing down yet? How's Russia?  Mental health wise, how is the kid I was carrying, proba...

  Got into genuinely enjoying the afternoons in the Winter before when everything is quiet and there is no sounds from passers by or neighbors for a while. Watching the clock face appear more and more as the leaves fall. Soaking up the changes in colour and light around the steeple and above the town. Feeling glad just to be Us sometimes. Can't listen to the lovely chilled classical playlists that we got a lot of use out of during the summer and early autumn. Makes us think of Mum alone, dieing alone in her bed and me forced to keep reality at arms length here. Knowing we didn't know what was going on and being so utterly powerless. Without even the strength to admit to ourself what we knew. Cowering in Satanic fucking fiction even though it doesn't scan. It was a not a nice summer. Cleared a shelf out today for xmas stuff and am cautiously confident that we can move on to the boxes under the bed next. It is such a relief when we can just through stuff that bothers us out. ...

 Dreams and mournings have triggered the first snip.  benefits bonus. Gee. Thanks. Started on his and mine xmas. Lets not plan to spend everything so that half of December/January is spent utterly cashless.  It's excruciating, every year act out on the desperation, the isolation, the confusion and fury in relatively minor ways, usually with food, booze, spending and telling ourself someone good might contact us even when we know it's not going to happen.  Hey maybe it won't matter and We can take the presents and the new candle holders with us to somewhere safer and nicer or maybe even home. Waking up feeling just as squished but with a much better view and a little practical support and no terrifying neighbors. Wouldn't it really mean something if there was one last good Winter Fest in Britain. With Junior and armed forces cooking and gaming me and face timing with peoples all over by a log fire. Somewhere big enough, private enough and set somewhere beautiful. Ther...