..dear reader..

....I completely understand.  I hope you are well again soon. Please keep in touch if you want to.  Take good care of yourself... Thanks SuperShrink.  Neither the first nor the last time a sense of being able to talk at length about a lot of ongoing stuff instead of going vague one day is is followed by waking up on the appointment day and cancelling everything without regrets. Drama therapy started again yesterday.  It didn't go well.  Its over a year of talking to a psychologist who has DID experience and is open to researching and listening to some talk about ritual abuse, the drama stopped back in June lots has happened since then.  There had been graphic repetitive nightmares in the few hours sleep I did get, reached out to L who was the center of so much of it all.  She was the base that torture and experiments to try and create parts that were tailored for their needs, EPS trapped in states of total mental subjugation and dislocation from our...

By christ its been awful.  Poor beautiful 12.  Not as awful as it was when it was ongoing but still seriously awful.  Those bastards emaciated me and loads of people were involved, loads knew something or enough. They hurt bairns, outside bairns and not just mine, hurt them a lot and no one I told was able or willing to do enough to stop it.  Its probably been about a year since that particular system of seriously traumatised trafficked parts came forward so completely and so devastatingly and for so long.  Last time we had only just started seeing therapist and were pretty mute then too relieved when they went away again to want to trigger them back by talking about it much.  Surely next time its not gonna hit so hard we have all done a lot of work.  Basically gone from having words like 'DID' 'Rape' and horrible pictures floating around a mind that had little awareness of what it was to drawing system  maps.  Its been said before but it ca...

You can say, write or draw anything you want. Most of the triggers are deactivated so you will not be on your own with it ever again. The boy is grown up now and after Glasgow Tong can't pull us back into it all again. We coz too much bother no one wants anything to do with us! You don't have feel guilty for sharing what happened, yes its crippled us but it won't always be that way. We have an outside person who listens and believes us so we don't feel cut off from they whole world anymore like they told you you would always feel. Thank for being here, thank for hiding and for sharing but you don't have to disappear anymore. Please think about what you need and what you like, you will be heard and everyone will do what they can to make you less sore, less terrified and less alone. You are awesome.

Yuck. The Moyles, Dave and Chapters victim parts have been back pretty much full time again. 2001 was the worst, sometimes them and the dream team together. Lots of just the 3 of them. 'Penis or prolapse' always a favorite game in abuse networks. They took turns analy raping me for as long as it took. In the living room, the hall, the bathroom. When they got what they wanted they brought out another DID part put my hand behind my back and asked me to guess what I was holding. They would force me to do something on camera before I would be given painkillers or taken to hospital. Chappers espically seemed to get off on making me watch the footage on you tube or whatever porn site. I didn't get it how could making me watch it online be any worse?  There was always lots of games in that sort of abuse. They did it again months later but it was just Moyles flaccid penis that time I was very relieved then the other two started on me again. In hospital there was little parts c...

We've been neglecting you Daff.  We've also stopped watching the news and have been reading for pleasure.  Twitter is only really being accessed as a reminder that there are people out there working for truth. Now Summer is here now though. Real Summer. There's a lot going on internally as always but needs are being met and that can take a while to get used.  The walking wounded are all standing around bewildered and unsure how wounded they actually are.  Doors are starting to be left open and some are starting to notice. There is also much less of a sense that our existence needs to be known about, to be proved or it doesn't count and isn't 'real'.  We have somewhere to talk now so the issues feel so much less pressing.  Since we last posted there was a couple of drama therapy sessions, fairly regular talking therapy, another half hour session of finding out more about the inner life of my psychiatrist, the implantation of a sex hormone manipulating devic...

There has been some writing going on in the last few weeks and some ideas that would be great to develop but its extremely difficult to stay focused on anything long enough.  Have remembered why I started Daffodil Rites though and that was about taking advantage of whatever freedom of expression exists and about making some sort of public record of my actual existence.  Working with a therapist who is prepared to listen means I don't have to blurt stuff out here anymore.  The higher level of acceptance that 'I' is not one, means things are a bit of a happy mess.  How I managed to keep the body alive and functioning is by itself pretty mind boggling, how someone of us managed to fake a convincing intellectual point of view enough for a good passing grade for a secondary school essay never mind write enough of them for an 2:1 honors degree is quite frankly spectacular, even if it did take 15 years...  Have to admit that preparing coherent pieces of writing doesn'...

The current diagnosis from Super Shrink, we like much better than the 'Persistent Delusional Disorder' from the bloke who had spoken to us for half an hour and hadn't read any notes.         ...chronic history of childhood neglect, child and adult physical and sexual abuse, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Personality Disorder, Attachment Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder manifest from early childhood experiences. Prior psychotherapy and medication appear to have encouraged little resistance to these issues.  This is reflective of the chronic nature of the sexual and physical abuse experienced by *** has a formal diagnosis [from NHS psychiatrist, she's a psychologist] of Emotionally Unstable Personality.  This is an enduring patter of inner experiences and behaviors that markedly deviate from the expectations of the individual's culture. [man that is so loaded! Suspect that a small amount of reading into "personality diso...

I came in from the sea all parts like Wollstonecraft's monster wearing your prejudices, a sheepskin over our wolves and vampyres. On all fours because we know its easier to take on your knees and ankles we were never that scared of McAlpine in his butcher's suit. All we ever needed was to be away.

Felt the progress in therapy this week.  More of the teenage girls have come forward, that know love, friendship,  fun and were musicians, dancers who needed and worked hard for their art.  I hear and see them see them singing and playing almost constantly, awesome.  Some spent enough time in the states to become functioning conscious ANP's who knew we would all be heading back to Scotland sooner or later and usually via some English and/or European rings aiming to make a lot of money fast over a few days and were going to work and sell me to get it.  You know it works with sexual abuse, porn and anything else for that matter if you start to get into something.  It was always getting worse. Sometimes I'd arrange to avoid all that by going back before being picked up from where ever it was that I was starting to think of us as home by a group of government drugged, raped and mind control enforcement agents.  That would leave ...

Didn't have much to say yesterday. Wee man all snotty and grumpy, didn't want to go out. It was gorgeous outside. There was plenty stuff on the news that no one wanted to know any more about or hear people speak bollocks about so we've mostly been nursing Happy Town. Bit glad that Nemo's Reef died I spent some serious hours on it when my head was spinning the most and its gained some twisted associations. Gaming and weed extremely good at getting us through internal mental health crisis. How to get beyond the bit after the crisis I haven't figured out yet but I'm pretty sure it involves patience and aiming to put body needs first. The usual murk is starting to have a few arcs of colour now, exposing more details in the crap of course but its the colour the eye is drawn to.

The tempest is a bit more breezy now.  Thank fuck.  Was able to contexualise a bit better last night and 'I want to go home' isn't distraught anymore, she's too tired.  I have no idea whats its going to be like when I start actually explaining in out loud words whats going when we see therapist later this week.  Hope has started shinning through again although I still feel pretty shaken up.  Still don't care much about the who, what, why, when, how much.  I can't find out from here anyway.  There's often been a strength that I've only noticed when the system is falling apart and all the dissociated, amnesiac ANPs are weeping crumpled heaps on the floor or have jumped ship completely .  I can see how I could of gotten addicted to feeling the access of something closer to the core that happens when systems that have been trundling along start collapsing.  The cores will be aware of this happening long before anyone involved...

No wine tonight, we thought it best after the last two nights overindulgences. The cannabis will run out shorty to so there's some anxiety about disassociation getting get of control when it does. Mostly pretty numb between lots of body memories. The relief and joy at having access to good memories washing away the coldness of accepting the horrific stuff. For now. No one seems very sure who should be doing what. The front of house staff have left there desks leaving a new and unsure part time temp and a well meaning work experience boy to run the show. They are baring up pretty well so far but reinforcements are going to have to come from somewhere. I hate the feeling that I'm rising out of the body, away from the I. There's too many cult parts that aren't articulate that interpret that feeling as very, very bad news. Beth wants to say hello. She's not sure about pictures but is beginning to see the point of them. She's a bit posh and well presen...

The approach at the moment is based on eating, drinking and smoking. Not one we think should be continued into the long term but its tried and tested. There are parts that eat for those who can't and parts that have just woken up from long sleeps and are hungry. The body? Well l'm bloated. The hurt parts that internalised physco sis are petrified. Just believe none of it happened is the only thing to do. The warrior ones, from ancient civilisations, the only ones objective enough to deal with the modern ones. Some of whom have to be restrained permanently because they are completely broken and have serious amounts of training in the violent arts. There's the animals who look after my heart, soul and anything else precious. They keep the field clean and keep the little's who hold the worst trauma cozy and asleep.

First post from my bed on the budget tablet so we will see how it goes. Tunes are essential sometimes aren't they? I can't always here music properly. Then something allow happen and start being able appreciate all the different parts. Gotta be repeated though - wtf. So apparently its wine night again. I'd rather it wasn't though. There was a fair amount of over indulgence in booze and food last night. May holiday has put money in early so that's a relief. There's weed here to so we were not depressed as well. Could do with another parent. Or 20. There was so much acting, role play, scripts and sets going on that I can't see going back to that would be a good idea, especially at this point in the healing journey. Animation though. I feel out enough, l know enough to know how good we've got it. I remember enough to know I live a life have dreamed about and thought could never happen. The tit for tat. It's outside anyone's control. ...

We were doing work on the naked truth - short story she called it.  Story asks the naked truth why she is crying, she says people keep inviting her in then kick her out again, Story says she needs to be dressed in order to be accepted, so her light doesn't blind them and so they have time to except her pain without being overcome (our telling, not the drama therapist's).  It used to bounce about the brain a lot as a child, very timely to come back to it now. That psych apparently mentioned, 'False Memory Syndrome' to my DID therapist.  Nice rigorous empirical approach then...  She has sent him some material.  I'm wary of these psych investigations that he's got lined up but I've already got the safe place and started the treatment for the disassociations and all the different parts so there is no desperate need to be begging NHS mental health services for help, takes the pressure off a bit.  Like abusers and dodgy police th...

I feel like I should write something.  Its not easy for me to engage in anything, probably because there isn't really such as thing as 'me', there is just programmed personalities, victim mentalities and a sense that sharing is essential if I'm ever to escape the constant depression and the belief that the truth is irrelevant.  Had an appointment with the psych today without the psychiatric nurse that openly scoffs at my disclouser of abuse by djs involved in child pornography.  When that same nurse walked into the room in refuge the first time, I was a bit sickened, nothing specific memory wise, just the knowledge that her face was very familiar.  I lived in this same town as a child for a little while, my parents went to Uni here so I'm not assuming anything, I can't when whoever knows her is saying nothing but I wasn't remotely surprised by her reactions. Anyway, pysch has referred me for an EEG (could be wrong initials there) and to some kind...

Spring ANPs waking today.  Girls that came from good homes, that laugh easier and freer who developed their understanding of themselves outside of abuse, who were loved when they little.  I will never be comfortable using the term 'Apparently Normal Personalities' in regards to anything that is me but its what we working with at the moment and it has a ring to it. ANPs are the parts that manage the day to day running of things.  For me that has to include who deals with the constant flashbacks of horror and disturbing associations in every day objects and activities.  I haven't read or reviewed any of the reading on ANPs and ritual abuse victims recently, I'm trying to work with my therapist mostly and notice who is around with us rather than delving in to other people's research.  Due to the holidays I have two weeks until there is any more appointments though, my brain will probably be pretty different by then anyway.  Sure its b...

I think it was my child therapist who first described DID to me when I was about 14/15.  When she talked about the chronic depression of the Apparently Normal Personalities becomes they are so disconnected from the Emotional Personalities, from the body, from everything my eyes must of lit up and jaw dropped.  It was truth, bloody truth.  From the NHS!  From another human being! Not in a setting that was very. very wrong!  To me! Whatever ANP was there to hear that has been behind a lot of the parts since then are recognisable as me.  It was an exit sign, I couldn't always see it or know if it was possible head in its direction but I'd still seen it, it existed.  She never gave it as a formal diagnosis, she wasn't sure that police getting involved in whatever was going on at home would help, she didn't have any confidence in her colleagues in psychiatry either. The other day my current therapist talked in terms of being David a...

Last night I thought about attempting a coherent, well structured satanic shrinks piece but I can't be arsed.  I've been engaging on and off with NHS services for 20 years.  I talk about incest and am questioned about my sexual fantasies and relationships regardless of how old I am.  Before he left the Psychiatrist who gave me the Persistent Delusional Disorder diagnosis 3 years ago said he wasn't as confident in it as he was but because I said cannabis use made by memories clearer, easier to manage he wouldn't change the diagnosis.  I asked him if there was lots of research about cannabis and DID and if there was had he read it, he shrugged, looked away.  He said he if was true there was no way I could of gotten out which helped me understand how I got out, they just cant see me..  His English was good but his accent is strong, like me I guess and sometimes I wan't sure if he wasn't answering a question because he didn't...

Quotes from report for ESA appeal.. "There is identity confusion even involving her sexuality as she reports her first voluntary relationship in her teenage years was with another girl and this was sexual" "She always gives an elaborate and sometimes complicated past history of alleged sexual abuse with some disturbing details but typically does not appear disturbed or distressed whatsoever and has told me that the reason is because she has repeated the stories over and over several times, and used to it at this stage. "Diagnosis - 1. Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder which among other symptoms explains her possible variable mood, history of deliberate self-harming behavior, chronic feeling of emptiness, identity disturbance and possible dissociative like state particularly under stress. 2. She had also attached in her notes a diagnosis of Persistent Delusional Disorder due to the non-bizarre nature of the alleged strings of sexual abuse which altho...

Wee man's wee facial injury has been causing me a whole heap of anxiety and some specific flashbacks.  Being held down in my bedroom while someone hit my front teeth with a hammer.  Very calculated blow enough to cause lots of pain and bit of bleeding but not shatter them. It was my family and Savile related but I can't remember exactly who was there. I had no chance of of not being aggravated even if I had tried.  I had an at school alter who knew she could never wonder why she felt so awful or where she was in pain and never to try and do anything about it.  I bit into something at lunch, twix or something and ended up crumpled head head down weeping in agony in front of a packed dinner hall. There was another time a lot more complex tripping me up, again in my bedroom with my hands tied behind my back so my mouth would hit something carefully placed before me.  Given instructions on how I had to fall, that time was with Scottish Ritual Abuse type...

I think I might give the blog a rest for a while, I need to take a step back to figure out where I want to take this.  I need to focus on integrating, getting fitter and therapy.  I need to figure out what I want to do here. We are about to start spending some time talking about current thinking on DID so I also need to start trying think of ways to articulate what I mean when I use the term 'mind control'.  I've given her an outline of where I'm at regarding abuse growing up during the eighties and explained a bit working back from contacting her last year but there's a big chunk called the 90s that I'm not remotely ready to think chat or write about.  Ian Watkin's arrest has started that process off, in terms of me remembering who I am anyway and hopefully in uncovering the networks.  Savile's death and the scandals afterwards have made it possible to fill in some of the long term every day blanks in my memory without some...

Very draining fortnight, the statement last week, three sessions this week and next week its my 'birthday' next week. As usual I can't bear the thought of the birthday.  It's my Halloween.  At least at Christmas there's lights, decorations and chocolate everywhere.   There's been a shit load of tears and there is probably going to be a shit load more.  My supplies haven't been supplied and the poor lanky female in the cupboard whose due in about 10 ten days has lost a few lower limbs and was far from over ever endowed before.  My god, I forgot how good home grown bud can taste, even when its well immature and fresh out the oven.  Must leave the rest.. The psychiatrist wanted a nurse to be present while he takes a history.  He's quite open about the fact that he's 'working in the dark', as he puts it.  He seems to think that if he reads my file more and looks into things he's going to figure out what ever is going o...

Txted my pal this morning to find out my chances of getting any weed today, she said probably not today but soon. Today is the anniversary of a still birth for the couple she gets it from.  This was enough to set me off, crying loud enough and long enough for wee man to hear and come in the room to ask why I was sad, why I was crying.  Still birth? In a hospital, with medical attention, the support of a long term partner/family/friends, a burial, a name, a date without being concussed, drugged or hit with enough mind control so you forget the specifics, feelings never go though.   Flowers, hugs, sympathetic GPs.  I don't think many of mine born after 22 weeks or so were still, to begin with anyway.  Why the little fuckers would hold onto life so hard I'll never know anymore than I know why I held on to life when I could of so easily just of let go.  Except of course to piss people off.  It was the thought of exposing my family one ...

You know that scene from Tangled when she first gets out the tower and is literally swinging between proud glorious elation and weeping guiltily depression. That. I'm gonna focus on the 80's.  Time, after all is the only healer and I will make more sense if I try and limit the scope of what I talk about.  Except for a couple of on going issues of course that I need to get out the way first. My mum said today that she didn't think things would ever change with my sister and the kids will be taking away if sis turns up at school pissed and my mum isn't in.  I said she was being defeatist.  We talked about Alkysis's GP whose advice was to try and get the drinking down to a half a bottle a day and that mother thinks speed may have been recently reintroduced.  I can't see how anyone can accept a life of total misery like that without at lest pretending to be looking for ways to make things even just a little bi...

Right Digital Spy!! I've joined but am still not allowed to contribute! If I could I might flag up the 'straight jacket' comment as pointlessly abusive and possibly in breach of the sites' terms and conditions.  I have dreams about being a professional writer, the blog is partly a way of working out my voice and trying out different styles, testing what I can and can not say.  It is also (and probably most importantly) for venting and a way of recording my memories (for me) as they come up because I often forget them.  I am not interested in arguing about cannabis, you don't know me or how cannabis helps me enjoy life and instantly stops any thoughts of self harm or suicide.  I have had enough misery and hopelessness in my life and am not prepared to accept a second more of it than I have to.  My current psychiatrist gave me the diagnosis of both DID and MPD which I find useful because when I'm dissociated I'm 'not there' no one is, but wi...

Someone on a forum put up the email that Jimmy Jones put up on his site about Savile.  Someone read it and replied that it 'read like fiction'.  As a past and hopefully future student of English I found that quite interesting, as was the stuff I read on Digital Spy today. Like Fiction. Soz ma unkempt grammar, fidgetin voice an messy register don't satisfy your info lust. Soz the bastardised language, unlikely themes and scatty tense teases but never places in your lap the perfectly formed balance of immaculate grammar and convincing graphic imagery.  Ma fractured & crushed attempts at truth can't gratify all that starved, surging longing for an empirically structured but hard hitting first person narrative.  Coz any mes (you see) that went to school, they never got away and are all rotting still with him in his unmarked grave or wrapped round our friends at the bottom of the Irish sea. 

Over the years he took over how I was treated by other groups.  Taking away any ritualism that wasn't completely abusive.  If they refused Savile turned against them, there was some mixed feelings at seeing men who considerable themselves untouchable being treated in the same way that they had treated me.  Savile wasn't too interested in discussing nuances of Satanic theory.  He had no time for any 'genuinely religious' Satanism, he explained to the leaders how to simplify things and then demonstrated on me and others.  Harm for the sake of it which was 'real' Satanism as far as I was concerned, all that bookishness and dead languages missed the point because it didn't cause enough harm.  Of course anything that went on that didn't directly hurt me was to be cherished and he took a lot of it away from. I looked forward to the time when Savile would introduced himself to and infiltrate the groups and bloodlines that were big on se...

'How do you know Savile?' Sometimes I didn't even hear the words when people asked me.  They would have to keep asking and sometimes still not get any sort of answer.  I heard it this time though. 'You've got a lot to learn ***, Savile's a Satanist.  He's owned me my whole life.' I started to move away I didn't want to start weeping in front of that cunt but Mory's beefy arm encircled my shoulders from behind and pulled me back into his half squidgy half solid mass.  I had to pick my issues with Mor and I didn't have the will or any need to fight this one.  He wasn't that much taller than me, his starting not much higher than the top of mine.  I leaned back against his shirt and looked up, its was all letting it's self go.  I gave a pretty pathetic almost canine sounding whimper before the tingling  numb waves smashing through my brain meant he was no longer holding me still but holding me up.  My knees had buckled ...

'Here's your energy bars.  You confident your can work everything?' It was hard not to love them for it sometimes.  Being dropped like that. What kid doesn't hate everything and everyone about them so much sometimes that they feel they would do anything to be somewhere, anywhere else. 'I hate it here' and two days later and you wake up in a chopper and your not tied and gagged.  The few people there smile and nod.  Call you by an affectionate nickname. Generally a pretty keen student in anything survival related I give a enthusiastic nod which causes a bit of over eye coverage as the 'you'll grow into it' head shield, quickly pushed back into place. 'Okay then.' 'I'll see back at X in Y days/weeks'. I got very good and very conscious when I was older at only remembering relevant info relating to safe places to find food, sleep, speak to people.  The actual instructions I held in a way I could repeat but didn't know u...