June 03, 2016

I need my brain surgeon.

"Can I try some less physically invasive exploration in there before we take an axe to his skull and I separate the pink to find whatever the fuck is in there?"

There was no immediate objections. Someone didn't look to happy and was looking thoroughly unconvinced by everything but that was maybe because he didnt understand what we were saying or more likely didnt believe a word of it and thought we were up to something. And also we remembered when we took another glance and saw him a decade or so younger standing smoking in a forest of tall tress somewhere that's just how that dude looks when he's lost.

Whatever it was in there we didn't like the look or feel off down to a very deep level and needed it not to be transmitting or receiving or doing whatever the fuck it was doing with everything ongoing. We hate that shit. How they  literally took the light out of peoples eyes and there was no switching it back on. He didnt hold himself like a man who there raped over decades and we were getting something about when whatever it was put there. How we used to cry and cry and beg Mother not to rape people. Did they get us help with the designing and surgeries? We suspected not standing there in Tuscany in 08 feeling far from acclimatized to this amount of warmth on a clear September night. Making kids think they had helped when they hadn't was something they invested a lot more time on that actually getting them to do stuff. The chances of them sabotaging was to high. We remembered a tiny object in a surgery bowl in a theatre, its standing at about our height the operating table is higher and we are telling ourself we didnt help them make these and if we did thinking it would mean there would be a bit less rape when we were a little kid with everything they were doing then we forgave ourself.

 It was a metallic looking but we knew that was the casing she would turn her back and unscrew it and put a towel over it and "switch" us before they trained us in inserting it thinking that way they could control the surgeon we became without the rest of us knowing 

We had been made to watch what they did to older kids and were shocked when we they put us through the same steps at those ages as to why it didnt work.

They did catch one of us with the "help us make devices that will do what we want them to do with rape and we wont do it so much" line. How she wept as she heard what they doing to the victims after. Begging Mother why when she said they wouldn't have now they had those things and she said they would still have to rape and torture and traumatise because how else would they calibrate the implants. We woke with a start at those words but kept our hands covering our eyes without back against a wall and our forehead on our knees and tried to keep crying the same as we had been.

"I'm not buying that Rosie" she was now standing up the corridor now. We knew there was no point in pretending to her.

"Fine then." We jumped up and spun on our heals and bridges so quickly we got a quick sharp shock of friction burns of bare feet on the easy clean institution flooring. "We will calibrate them with love and hugs". As we ran down the corridor like the precocious brat we were supposed to be but in the wrong direction entirely then got ourself locked in a cage and told the orderly to say there was orders from higher than her saying we weren't to be let out. She stared at us throw the bars. We heard the noise she made as we had ran away. She was stumped. She knew those orders were fake and was relieved as much that we had made it up. Not sure where we were or what was going on but they were short staffed. She didnt want to be in room with me alone.

We had a laugh about with the orderly when she went walked away. We thought as we curled back up later to try and rest that maybe it would of been smarter to not have told her what we were thinking. The orderly saw we were scared and told us not to worry and turned off the cameras to unlock the cage and hug us. He turned up the heating so we would be warmer and more comfortable and quietly left. We knew what he was going to do and for a minute we stressed because we hadnt even thought to ask him to leave the cage unlocked so we could help cover his tracks and our oh so loud and clear words. Then we remembered they way he had held us and told us not to worry and feel asleep feeling nice.

We brought our focus back and looked at the bloke. They cant generally be "recalibrated" this was deep with a relatively short patch of extreme physical horror and then out again. Not the total fucking half experimental half based on decades at least of solid internal moral authority removal where anyone who knew them knew they were not the same person. This was subtler, meant to have more of gradual effect while the victim is politicly positioned.  He had seen most his crew slaughtered and was expecting the same for himself and was keeping himself dissociated. We waited. We had a stubborn little telling us to and seeing as they were only the ones that knew what we were doing, we did a lot of listening to them. There it was. A slight movement of his head, the squint in his eyes as he focused on something from years ago, the shift to face us and then the eye roll and the smile as it dawned.

"Dude. Your a fucking mess." He didnt disagree. We said we might be able to help him but maybe not. We were very busy and its was extremely skilled work that we wouldnt be able to on our own. We were heading towards talking ourself out of it permanently when he agreed and said he'd cooperate in anyway, that he had nothing to loose. Then he said "and everything to gain." and we said it together with him in Italian and we both were back in some corridor neither of us should of been in, for reasons I was not supposed to be motivated by, with neither us wanting it even occur to anyone that we were even knew each were alive and totally surrounded. Whatever the fuck happened we got out. To never, ever, ever talk of again.

But we might have to if wanted the kind of people we would need for the surgery which would mean negotiating with more Feds. Not just the "got a couple of recently deceased gentleman in a Mr Sir Elton John's service here who were attempting to interfere with anti child sex trafficking operations I believe you requested I was to contact you if a situation like this should arise Sir" Feds. Their would be a high chance that who ever we talked to would insist on being here and they probably know us. In fact they would have to know us or we wouldn't be letting them in ten miles of the place nevermind through the front fucking gate.

Damn it we we wouldn't be able to do the surgery without contact with US proper Feds but some already knew for certain we were here because we have to tell them where we are all the bloody time so they know it's us and not some bunch of deranged sadists. They would want to know who the surgery was for. They would want to know why there wasnt anyone there that wasnt familiar to them. They would want to know about whatever they had caught from satellites.

Folk were standing about watching us rub our chin and our eyes enlarged whilst we stood physically squirming at the thought of the questions they were going to ask us about what was going in Tuscany.. never mind Palermo.. What like they wouldn't of noticed the flights were booked? That they wouldnt have any questions about why we were going there.. after here..

We had no option but to woman up and not give a fuck. We would be able to draw out the story with guy who needed surgery to distract them for a while and there was plenty going on and people who would help us distract them. Besides if all else failed and they were still asking questions and making calls we rather they didnt the CIA we already here and already knew enough so they would be helping to.

We turned round and he was still there smiling. He was with various "The woman"'s though and it really brought us down a few times especially as he was such a clever dude and so fucking committed. I could see it in eyes, same as always, willing us to do it.

We told the surgery candidate to chill out, that we might have to stick him in a coma for a few days to stop whatever it was doing whatever it was supposed to do and as we were going to get it all set up and go to all that effort and there was probably others in similar states around so we might as well do more.

We figured it was pretty good time to time to start saying goodnight. It had been a mental day, tomorrow would be the same and so on and so on. We needed to see Pabs hopefully sleeping and he was.  And we knew that the sooner we were settled the site would also. Margo was drinking on the caravan step. We didnt stay up long. We couldnt really speak. In the horrid static caravan bedroom with the lights off, lying on the hard bed and sheets that arnt any less carboardy even if you do wash them we felt so fucking good. So fucking good.

We lay listening to park noises.  Bits of us lighting up like a switchboard recognising voices, odd words, at drunken singing, we let them all smile and laugh a little sometimes but told them not to tell each other too much too quickly as there was so many parts with much to tell and so much important work to be done.

We were briefly worried we would fall asleep completely and not wake up till morning and what a nightmare that would be but we didnt want to stop listening to voices outside and Tuscany in general anyway.  Plus someone was going to tap the window later.

We werent in there when they did but had remembered about them and were hiding in the flora, glistening. We sent one of them in the caravan to grab the change of clothes that we left on the bed. The were pretty shocked at the state of us. Two guys who were in one of the vans in front of ours though had seen us like that before and they thought our "yeah a wet wipe isnt going help much" comment was brilliant.  The Naples guys just looked on horrified as they English and Dutch dudes lay down towel and bags down so we could cross the van floor to the shower. We asked as they helped us strip if it was all the blood or our DID or both that was phasing them. We just got reassured though from the English dude and a head shake and some quite funny and very true verbal abuse from the Dutch guy.

"Just as well we are little" we said as the English dude attempted to help wash us off in the awful over toilet caravan toilet. The Dutch guy had used the the lack of space to pretend he wasnt phased and left his mate to it. It took fair scrubbing where it had started to dry on the backs of my necks, a few pans and kettles of water  but eventually my hair starting looking like my hair again. We weren't sure what had happened but we weren't worried although since the worst was on our back it probably wasnt us that did whatever it was that had made this much mess but we were more worried about the drains..

"They wouldn't of grabbed the sanitary towels of the bed did they?"
Was really glad that hadn't cause it meant the guy who was walking between the caravans was asked to by the Dutch dude through the living room window to nip in and grab the towels. We got pretty excited when we heard the name and voice of the Australian dude.

"You rippa" in very little voice, we whispered out the bathroom window he was well happy to see us to and came to the window for a proper greeting. He always looks right into our eyes and it always reminds us that if someone tells us we are someone else and treats us like we are someone else then we sound treat them the same and not see them. Then he will whisper stuff to us like its the most top secret important information ever but he's just saying he loves us and he think's we're ace.

"He's cool" We said to the English dude who was almost finished with our hair and Australian dude had continued on. He agreed. I got dried off and dressed and sorted out then went into the living room where the Dutch guy was winding up the Commora who were watching their universes collapses around them because the Dutch dude was just repeating all the shitty rumours that were being spread because he had no time anyone who isnt as briefed about us as he is.

We have always appreciated that about him.