June 07, 2016

Anaiese and Roberto.

Nathan said some stuff and asked some stuff when we got back. God it was so horrible to be back with people who weren't there. He asked if the autopsy footage was real and if was us, about the caravans with less holes in the sides. Just repeating the words and running through the reactions as arranged. Every fucking word any of them has ever said to us. We could see them reading the script in their head. Word for word.

We were sitting on one of the steps outside one of a van we had cleared a day or two and it was spotless now. We were drowning. The flashbacks, the battle between useness and nonusness that we know is RF when its that bad. We keep telling ourself we were just triggered not because we believed but because it calms us down and anything that calms you down when your losing it helps you.

The running through the forest calling Marco Polo sex after forgetting we had been tortured is crap of course. You have to be seriously out of it even with DID for your body not to tell you its not a good time for sex your injured. The walking through the park alone, cursing ourself because we couldnt believe what we were seeing as someone we had set up to happen to no confidence parts before switching and jumping through the other Marco's window to avoid speaking to someone who was about to turn the corner and see us.

It felt very real but that means nothing, not to a couple of institute kids like us. Think was the next day. The self control he had was so triggering. By the time we were passing the empty caravan it was so bad we were struggling to stay on our feat and had to sit down. We couldnt tell our own plans from the rapist programmes, couldnt tell our own traumas from other peoples. We saw him and tried to focus on him. Even as a child we found young Italian men highly watchable and distracting. He hadnt seen us and we were glad we didn't want him talking to us. We were in no fit state for any conversations in any language. But his presence was enough to calm enough of the littles especially when we was close enough to see how unhappy he was.

She hates she seeing sad boys, she cried a little before stepping back to look and give room for the rest of us in the hope we would help the boy and when we saw the way he dragged his feat and the caravan he seemed to be heading for and that he had a family member that never got up and kept in touch with us as any real hope of getting him out. There was a moment of fantastic clearness where we stood up and thanked ourself and everyone who helps the way we use slavers plans to trigger us in submission to trigger their own sudden death. As with every other time we let the fear and the push to submit wash over us knowing all I had in that moment was keep breathing as we watched the teenage boy get closer and closer to the caravan without fighting the triggers.

We were over the bank and he was down. We felt bad for that but we knew where he was. He couldnt be talked in trusting himself or any human again. He had to be shown. Usual. Combo of adapted gynnastics, dancing moves, self defense and combat moves, using the weapons they are coming at us with, deciding wether or not to keep a hold of them but using chuck em their just a distraction and give a false sense of security that dumbs the senses. (pretty certain some of the dudes who taught us "leave no weapon you are the weapon" when really, really little found themselves on the wrong end of their own training).

We weren't hearing music, just the past and our own voices telling us who was where. The walls. No contact. Not something you pick up in the West. Of course there has been many who wanted us to be teaching what we can do to whoever and whatever they choose.. Sometimes we have to switch tactics from not telling them to just giving them what they want but making sure (whenever possible) that we make sure whatever we told them or whoever we told doesnt get very far after. That kind of thing, that violent despots of all kinds are not so much allowed by Brits and Non rougue CIA as arranged and its been allowed to continue decade after decade after decade, that makes us very very angry.

This wasn't the time when there was a lad in his twenties standing around and we ran in and out of the bloodier and bloodier state pointing at vans and asking him "porn" and then running in if he said "yes". His shock decreased as it went on and we started noticing the twinkle. We noticed these fuckers are porn. As they lay at our feat. Christ they were worse. We ran out of that one determined to at least pretend to continue. We could see by the way he had to swing round with his and on his month and not make eyes contact for second. Neither could we. We ran up at bit and pointed to next and he was smiling when he nodded and we turned to run then swung back and said "are they fuck" and we both laughed. He hugged us!

In the state we were in!. Then he got help le grande initiation of the scraping off and hosing down of the Quine. He freaked when he heard voices at the door but we didnt. He was much more uncomfortable with the uniforms than he was the bloodied corpses all over the floor so when he said he could just leave he bolted and we laughed with cabaniere we looking impressed up at spray and down on injuries. We don't even know it was that time when we sitting on a worktop after our gyn checked us out and it was requested we involve them or at least give them a warning next time and we said it was that was impossible because we were too fucked by the Brits and black white power yanks. Our gyn said nothing. We could see he wasnt happy and was distant. When we made eye contact with him we couldnt help but looking down but they all said "no" and wouldnt let us. We explained our actions weren't planned like that. They were being triggered by them attacking us and we know if we go anywhere or even dont go anywhere we will be attacked by the worst of the worst from everywhere.

This wasnt any of those times. These people weren't just another lot who repeated programmes of sexual, physical, emotional, mental trauma on kids and who were trained in fucking with peoples DID, some of these fucks were sources. There wasn't going to be lots of laughing American's slapping our back and encouraging us not to look to at the corpses to closely. There was going to be lots of very peeved CIA, porn producers and slavers of all sorts.

This was the time of the metal cases, that when they arrived and they made sure we saw it we had to be scooped and held we just kept say "umano" and looking, pointing towards them. We knew those cases well. That was when we screamed when we shot one box twice and the other three times. 24 - 2.

 Lying starfished in grass in the sun looking up through the tree there was so much peace, so much quiet, but there was birds, normal external bird song. We wondered if we had ever felt so wonderful. We felt every blade of grass on our shins and arms, every little nugget of crunchy undergrowth. We were drugged? Well probably but this was more than that and we remembered. We were about to cry when we thought, no fuck it, we can do whatever we want and that means feeling that, we know what it is, it's love. We couldnt move we were so tired but we remembered spotting the patch of speckled sun light of few yards away as we took the knife of a long term prolific and extreme child rapist and took it through his throat. We were listening for the sound of metal on bone and that upset us. We were so glad to run to the patch and flop there because we knew with all the physcial exertion we wouldnt be moving for a while.

Someone was calling "Julia" and we hoped they found her because they sounded really upset. Then we remembered we were sometimes called Julia and the young lads were calling for us. That was nice. Someone was wondering about near us. Had we fucked up. Left one injured and alive. It was the boy from earlier on. We had stopped going into the caravan. He was very close, in shock, think he spotted our shoes first and looked up at the rest of us with a mixture of more horror and relief when he met living eyes and then froze as he realised. We tried to tell him with our eyes we were no threat to him. We all know not to smile at people who dont know us very well when covered in blood, not if we want to calm them down anyway. Little wanted to say something. Thankfully he stumbled off before she could and we were alone again with the sky and the ground and the clouds. So exhausted, so at peace and knowing we should enjoy this new amazing feeling.

For a little it occured to us that we might of "gone to far" this time, that the yanks would have us for this. Then we remembered we were heading back to incarceration regardless. Even if we hadnt done a thing. And that American exceptionalism isnt a thing, not like some of them like to think.

 Something moved in the thicker undergrowth. It was a rabbit that we watched for a little bit and wondered if was real and decided it definitly was. So good to see life. Nibbling and hopping being alive and totally indifferent to us, not a rapist, not a slaver, not helping people rape us, never going to hurt any children, not needing to be killed. We were ridiculously emotional. We closed our eyes. As we did we could feel him, the kid, he was standing a bit of the way of watching us and was calmer. That was good.

We woke up when someone in uniform almost stepped on us but still didnt see us. We were going to call out his name but we couldnt speak yet. There was voices, radios, lots of people around know and they were all looking really worried. We have understandings if not the ability translate expressions that mean "on" or "off the scene". We couldnt figure out what they were calling us but they were definitly saying we were off scene. We looked around at the people and spotted a couple of fat cat uniforms that we didnt want to see us anyway. Maybe the dude that almost stood us did see us. Doubt it though. He looked stressed. Not like someone pretending not to see someone. We were still happy to lie there recovering and not being in Scotland or under massive sedation somewhere. Tuscany it's so lovely.

The fat cats looked like they were about to head off and the dude that kept talking definitely hadnt spotted us or he would be get that lot the fuck out of there ASAP. There was something going on. It was in their heads and not in mine. One or two of the lads in the huddle kept looking right at us and still wasnt seeing us. We weren't that far off and the blood equally shade or earth camo isnt that good, not if your actually looking. Whatever it was it was bothering the kid the most he kept rubbing his eyes and shaking his head, been there we thought. Got more and worse recent experience with that shit and thats why he is being more bothered by it. We hadnt moved off. He knew. But he couldnt see us and it was triggering on top of everything else. We focused on him, willing him to calm down so he had some chance of getting through it. He's was being reassured by the cab.

And we remembered the first night, very similar scene but not as major and we were lying in the dark so the blood camo works very well. That time the guy who almost stood on us spotted us. Think we tried to say hi but we about to cry so we stopped and just looked up at him while he breathed and stared. Someone else saw and wondered over "Another one?" we could translate that and we said "Nope" I think. There was lots of swearing and laughing before we had to be scooped up because we couldnt stand and they took the piss out off for letting the side down because we needed to be carried off the scene..

We knew the scooper and cuddled in in a way that took their breathe away and they began an understanding of DID.

The kid looked more relaxed and when he looked over again we could see the relief that in having his senses back and maybe a bit a seeing us. Then he went on with saying he saw nothing and knew nothing. As the fat cats were only just slowly heading off that was for the best. The huddle of lads though. Was it Rocco? Or Tao? no thats not Tao is it.. oh for fucks sake we dont know our own name right now. He was almost seeing us know and he wasnt looking away. Before if we managed to move a foot or arm it made no difference but now he moved his head and looked frustrated. We willed him to us see so hard he had been the first to spot before and eventually there was eye contact and we could see the relief go through him and we so glad to smile at some who would just smile back, regardless.

It spread through their little clump. Well to anyone with sense to see. Eventually the fat cats were getting far enough away and we were not happy about just lying their while our men where getting more and concerned. When one of them started sniffing. We looked over at the kid. We really wanted to communicate to him it was ok to say, someone had spotted the body language in half the lads had transformed and went over and said something we nodded and tried more eye smiling and he pointed.

We still couldnt sit yet. And we could speak. He lifted the sodden girly summer top to check for injuries and I think we managed to say "ok" but out throat was so dry. He called for water and helped us sit up.

After a bit of being held, and watered and cleaned off a bit where we were we remembered why we we couldnt speak. "cases" the guy holding us didnt know what we were saying and came over. He knew. He said no one had been in any the vans, he motioned over to one of them and we couldn't help but snigger when saw the size of the whole in the side of it. The hugger held us tighter out of relief but we could see in his eyes he didnt know. We hoped he would still be able to hug us like that once he did, not because he would think we did something evil but just that it turns everyone cold.

We were helped up, crying know and talking. Someone put there shirt or something over us, we started feeling cold. In the van. There was a few of us three or four in what was left of the van. We said we should open but that was refused and we didnt argue. He knew what was in them. We knew at least one of them was not in any way prepared what he was going to see and we tried to prepare him by showing him to breath deeply once the box was opened and then pointed to the coach but he wasnt understanding. We crouched to the opened once it was done, he was struggling. Trying desperately to keep it together for us. We let him know with a movement of out eyes it was ok for him to run outside an puke and whatever the hell else he needed to do.

We breathed a bit and moved closer to them and made to look back but i dont any eye contact was made and when reached gently in one of them the guy who who told to stay back moved to stop us but was stopped by someone else. He struggled a bit but we heard shocked exclamations when he saw. Ze.

If we lived in a world where we could of got them out in any other way they wouldnt never of been there to begin with. We told ourself that we told them that through all the crying and shaking and switching. To hold their bodies against ours, for us to be given that time and space and to treated with respect whilst we did meant the world. The malformations were bad, genetics, untreated injuries, being kept in a box, we tried to kept our eyes of the genital areas but they were naked so it was impossible not to glimpse some of results of years of horrific sexual assaults. We looked over at the second box and paleness inside a few times, we were putting it off. We didnt want to put him down. We hadnt held him at all before now.

One of the broken since the institutes Marcos appeared behind us and offered to hold him. We told him to go away. Someone had no idea what was going on or didnt care and let him through. We asked if the opener would. He had come back. They were struggling without the military and so were we. It's not like they would be choosing to stay away. He had opened the boxed so the rest reckoned he should be the one to see it through. We notice when crouched back down we were to busy crying and talking to the boy and stroking his hair.

The girl was harder because someone messed up the anaesthetics and we came round during the delivery and saw her before we were told to back to sleep and made to. We told opener this, we had forgotten how much English he spoke and hoped it wasnt very much. He said some and he wished he knew more. We talked him a fair bit with her in our arms. We said how much she looked like Pablo, she was quite fair to and held her limbs and wondered aloud how much the twistedness was down to the genetics and how much was down to the cases and constant sedation in infancy. He agreed she did look like Pablo and sobbed when we talked about her limbs being exactly the same when she was born years ago. Ages are hard to tell in a child who as all developed stunted or prevented but there were about 6-8.

 It took him a while but after a while his professional brain kicked in. He was looking at the bullet holes in the boxes and on the kids. Wtf. Had we opened the boxes, shot the kids,  put them back and then shot holes in the boxes? We saw his confusion and told him we shoot better in the dark sometimes, he looked even more confused. We can feel them we said, a voice in Italian behind us agreed. She was born with mental impairments to match her physical ones. She had two shoots to the head and one in the heart, her brother just one each.

There was a moment of almost light relief when he tried to gently ask if there was incest involved when we were young and literal. We just looked down at the facial features and the limbs of the child in our arms and back up at him and back down, our internal opened her mouth to say something but there was the flash of an older part behind and he had to look away and not laugh as we tried to hold back or at least moderate her sarcasm.

It was increasingly obvious the number of Brits on the scene versus Italian and what was happening to us whenever they walked in or out the van. We were ready to deal with the living again. Opener said he would do it there was to many for to deal with alone. We didnt feel at all up for but when we looked at the kids and the metal boxes we knew we could if we had to. The guy with no English who did sit it ass down eventually so pale and quiet that we forgot he was here until he moved to leave and we looked back at him and to outside and shook our head, he wanted out of there but the coroner wasnt back yet, we didnt want to be alone and we didnt want the Brits killing him stepped up so we sank back down on our hunches. The of two them and whatever out there that wasnt evil would have it covered, especially as most the non sentient Brits still couldnt see that most of them weren't even fucking armed.

They did it. Looking at the faces and the scene after we couldnt help thinking how relieved we would be feeling if this scene was at any other time. We were being led away when we spotted the Italians. Lying face and alive where the dumb blind mind control victim Brits had thought they had shot and killed all of them and were held down until safe by some non visible means and could get up now. One asked if it was us but we said no but we had probably trained them. There was lots of smiles and agreements until some asked what was in the van. We looked between it and them and the coroner. We wanted to tell them to go and see but were so little we needed and adults approval he held us closer and nodded. We told them to wait until we had walked on a bit though and said seconds later to coroner that they wont. He looked back and we could see his eyes roll and rolled ours back him as I braced and leaned on him a little more until out of vomiting and weeping ear shot.

On the walk back down through the site it was dark now and cold and we were chatting coz it helped, trying to remember Italian words for things. We tried to say "cold" but say cauldo instead and then remembered that was wrong and explained that in Scots cold was "cauld" he asked and we talked about Scottish languages and Scotland, he asked what we we thought of independence and we talked about at least with smaller states mean smaller scale centralised corruption. Putin popped his head out of the bushes about then and we smiled and he came over and gave us a hug, warned us about a bugged caravan and offered a sedative we agreed to. We weren't getting any length of quality sleep and the park wasnt going to be quiet.

It was when we walked up the hill and we turned back round that swore under our breath and rolled our eyes at the coroner. Remembering the way he had carefully put the needle back in his pocket. Had the bastard just played us, had we told him it was ok? Coroner was worried we shook our head, maybe involved in protecting the Italians but not the creation and torture of us or the kids. We have said to him that any time you need to administer emergency sedatives he should keep a hold of the DNA if possible and this certainly qualified.

There was hugs from others to, men standing crying with their fists raised. Women battling against triggers. We took all the hugs from all the padres we could before the sedative hit hard and I think we were out before we were changed and in the bed.

That was 08. The production and experimentation to produce armies of humanoids without empathy, without critical thought and without self awareness continued. And there is Sonny so that's 24-2+1 and everyone the product of nothing but slavers, anaesthetics, rape, experiments, and physical restraints.

Nathan said something like he thought the autopsy footage and the cases were from the same incident. We laughed at him. They wanted us to think it was the laugh that sealed out fate but how fucking ridiculous was that? "Our fate" was sealed before we were fucking born.

All those years of kids in Scotland being programmed to be terrified of adults caused they were already dead from some mass war related event that hadn't happened yet. We allways thought it ridiculous, what had "killed" these people was the past and the present and not the future of course but worried about self fulfilling it could be. After finding ourself back being raped and pregnant and injured back in Skene after Italy in 08' we have little hope for much else since.

They are never going to let us be anything else so at least we always know there will always be more war.