August 2018 ffs
Our thumbs are hurting quite bad. Not sure what has triggered that. Too much time with our hands curled up next to our chest because that's how we sleep. Not too much house work thats for sure. Seriously can't face it. When we told a GP about how we sleep with our hands curled up close to us she said "that's very protective are you sure they weren't hurt before?"..
We said they definitely would of been, that its a kind of a hobbling thing, like what they do to our heads as well. For all the time that we could never of talked to GPs like that and saw and knew what happened in Doctors rooms to girls that were put up to talking straight like that we wish we could feel more, something about being able to talk truth to a professional and then look at them like c'mon what you got and watch them pretend to be caring professionals and not members of a massive brutal and powerful gang. They haven't changed though. Don't think there would be many left at all if they struck off every Doctor in Britain that has or is involved in genocide, murder, trafficking, antisemitic verbal or physical attacks, the hiding kidnapped children and the abuse we suffer.
Its the knowing that whatever we say, whatever sample we hand over will never be private, Fascist agents will be all over it, even if the in office verbal abuse or worse is less likely that hasn't changed. The atmosphere of deadly threat in NHS buildings hasn't shifted either we have just always made sure we were very dissociated or very not giving a fuck because we could take them all on before going in one. None of it conducive to medical treatment but essential for surviving attacks and abuse in places that the "everything is okay, health care professionals will not hurt people like that" conditioning that any person wants and needs to be true says wont happen.
Got used to not being trampled on or clawed by pussy cats with them being out all summer.. At least migraine season has passed and we are free to trash our lungs by chain smoking baccy and only get a little headachy. We're using the codiene as a mood lifter and it works sometimes but not as well as it did of course. Stupid drug resistance. But its all we got and I know we have talked like this a few times but I believe the pretend bridges are burned and no more cannabis from locals. Even with high levels of dissociation we hate ourself for letting them in the house even though the cannabis can make such a difference to our quality of life. The ongoing integration and internal contact with parts is at a point where we can't tolerate the dealers anymore because we remember to fucking much which of course means we would benefit from weed severely but the flashbacks that come with the sellers faces and voices has predictably become way too much too shelve for later. This is later. And we are done with sticking ourself on a shelf.
They are on their way. The injuries we were given that couldn't be fixed on Earth so that they could follow and destroy who ever fixed us didn't work. We knew it would happen of course we had access to all the scripts and arranged before hand a way to escape them so they didnt see where we went. We got our hands back and Satanic scum did not destroy a bunch of super duper space Jews. We almost didnt mind coming back to show the slavers how h healed, strong and seriously up for a fight we were. Super duper as they may be though they are not us and cant cover distance like we can so it may take a while yet but we remember them when they helped us with programming scum bags that refused to be humans in the 90s, there was no bullshit, no excuses, just tonnes of knowledge, loads of love and respect for us and lots and lots of anger. We wept to be in the presence of real people with real feelings and education again. We forget what's that like. Its been over two years now since we were with real people, at the hospital when most of the fighting was over for the day. It took minutes after everyone left to feel like it had already been too long to go without genuine contact. Not that all the other patients weren't real, they certainly weren't all like the out and proud rapist that was in the bed next to us for a little while who should not of been in that ward and absolutely not in open bay with other women but they weren't in a position to know or support us. They have their own hells and bullshit to negotiate.
We've been self soothing a fair bit, hugging ourself, talking to Eyore, switching between nasty depression and boredom. The end of a few long term slavers back at Stratheden has been helping to. I'm free of them we will get free of the rest of them to, one way or another. People are not meant to live like this, we all need others to relate to and hugs we need hugs, we really need Peter hugs, that's what he's for. But I guess he is entitled to figure out what he wants to be for we hope he has been given that chance. And hope he is still alive. We did mean it when we said it will be the last time we send him away so he won't die and also of course that it will be really difficult to get back to me because we won't be sending him away ever ever again.
We said they definitely would of been, that its a kind of a hobbling thing, like what they do to our heads as well. For all the time that we could never of talked to GPs like that and saw and knew what happened in Doctors rooms to girls that were put up to talking straight like that we wish we could feel more, something about being able to talk truth to a professional and then look at them like c'mon what you got and watch them pretend to be caring professionals and not members of a massive brutal and powerful gang. They haven't changed though. Don't think there would be many left at all if they struck off every Doctor in Britain that has or is involved in genocide, murder, trafficking, antisemitic verbal or physical attacks, the hiding kidnapped children and the abuse we suffer.
Its the knowing that whatever we say, whatever sample we hand over will never be private, Fascist agents will be all over it, even if the in office verbal abuse or worse is less likely that hasn't changed. The atmosphere of deadly threat in NHS buildings hasn't shifted either we have just always made sure we were very dissociated or very not giving a fuck because we could take them all on before going in one. None of it conducive to medical treatment but essential for surviving attacks and abuse in places that the "everything is okay, health care professionals will not hurt people like that" conditioning that any person wants and needs to be true says wont happen.
Got used to not being trampled on or clawed by pussy cats with them being out all summer.. At least migraine season has passed and we are free to trash our lungs by chain smoking baccy and only get a little headachy. We're using the codiene as a mood lifter and it works sometimes but not as well as it did of course. Stupid drug resistance. But its all we got and I know we have talked like this a few times but I believe the pretend bridges are burned and no more cannabis from locals. Even with high levels of dissociation we hate ourself for letting them in the house even though the cannabis can make such a difference to our quality of life. The ongoing integration and internal contact with parts is at a point where we can't tolerate the dealers anymore because we remember to fucking much which of course means we would benefit from weed severely but the flashbacks that come with the sellers faces and voices has predictably become way too much too shelve for later. This is later. And we are done with sticking ourself on a shelf.
They are on their way. The injuries we were given that couldn't be fixed on Earth so that they could follow and destroy who ever fixed us didn't work. We knew it would happen of course we had access to all the scripts and arranged before hand a way to escape them so they didnt see where we went. We got our hands back and Satanic scum did not destroy a bunch of super duper space Jews. We almost didnt mind coming back to show the slavers how h healed, strong and seriously up for a fight we were. Super duper as they may be though they are not us and cant cover distance like we can so it may take a while yet but we remember them when they helped us with programming scum bags that refused to be humans in the 90s, there was no bullshit, no excuses, just tonnes of knowledge, loads of love and respect for us and lots and lots of anger. We wept to be in the presence of real people with real feelings and education again. We forget what's that like. Its been over two years now since we were with real people, at the hospital when most of the fighting was over for the day. It took minutes after everyone left to feel like it had already been too long to go without genuine contact. Not that all the other patients weren't real, they certainly weren't all like the out and proud rapist that was in the bed next to us for a little while who should not of been in that ward and absolutely not in open bay with other women but they weren't in a position to know or support us. They have their own hells and bullshit to negotiate.
We've been self soothing a fair bit, hugging ourself, talking to Eyore, switching between nasty depression and boredom. The end of a few long term slavers back at Stratheden has been helping to. I'm free of them we will get free of the rest of them to, one way or another. People are not meant to live like this, we all need others to relate to and hugs we need hugs, we really need Peter hugs, that's what he's for. But I guess he is entitled to figure out what he wants to be for we hope he has been given that chance. And hope he is still alive. We did mean it when we said it will be the last time we send him away so he won't die and also of course that it will be really difficult to get back to me because we won't be sending him away ever ever again.
