Random bouts of weeping
It was uncomfortable, stressful and a little painful but we have managed to order some new clothes. As much as we hate online clothes shopping it is at least more possible than actual clothes shop shopping, the social anxiety, swinging between indecisiveness and impulsiveness, trying to work out what will fit between non standard shop sizes and varying levels of body dismorphia. As good as it was buying a big fake fur filled winter coat its not all we need. Of the two pairs of jeans we have one is uncomfortable and the other impossible to zip up without lying on our back and squished our thighs together so much that last time we wore them and went for a walk that we came home with a nasty nippy chafe.
Doesn't exactly help with the self esteem and not wanting to leave the house having no clothes that are comfortable and vaguely presentable. The new computer to write with is going to have to wait which is a shame because we are so fuckinf sick of writing on this touch screen. Left that typo on purpose to illustrate.
Made it to school for appointment about ASD and handed in the sick note still haven't handed in the council tax reduction application, maybe tomorrow. Since the virus is much better and we are in the post virus/January depression stage and know it does help a lot dealing with stresses whenever possible its just we know we can totally loose it out and about and push ourself way further than we should because we get too anxious to think straight and self care. Its not like its possible to know how big a deal "little jobs" are gonna be, sometimes something you think will be not to bad ends up not being majorly stressful at all and something assumed to be horrid ends up being no problem at all. How the hell can we plan for that? Sure we have some awareness of how we are feeling but even simple tasks can be impossible to mentally, emotionally and physically to prepare for.
Got all call about our ESA fitness for work application from someone who didn't know we had already had to move on to UC. She asked us why we filled it in if we were moving on to UC but we were tired and stressed and forgot we didn't actually know when filling it out that we would be moving into a full UV area. What a mess UK is in and all so fucking predictable to. We feel entirely disengaged from it all. Occasionally we remember what we went through to get the ESA just for UC to put us on "standard amount" but we expect no better. Maybe our symptoms diary will eventually find it's way to the relevant place maybe not. What we can't handle especially at the moment is a face to face assessment and we have enough to get by at the moment espically since we haven't paid any council tax or electric bills get and of course still have no access to the only medicinals that actually help.
It's still in our dreams lots, the hunting for it the bullshit we are told over not having it. Got handed about a half ounce of black almost but not completely covered in tinfoil but we have stopped waking up with a clenched fist or fingers to our lips from trying to take it out our dreams. Dreamed Graham contacted us to asking us if we were coming over. Seems so unreal now, the genuine conversations about real shit. Odd brief moments of actually feeling known and seen.
Pregnancy dreams to predictable from watching Jane the Virgin. It's a break from incarceration dreams for sure. Hopefully it will trigger some Spanish speaking in dreams as well. Our skin was so thin we could see as well as feel the new life moving and stretching in us. Left a weepy broodiness though. Shouldn't of looked at all those baby animals on pintrest. Its not like we could seriously want another child in the situation we are in but like so many things we are angry, resentful and disgusted at having no choices about anything and having a body with various "your young for that" ailments that trigger recollections of their causes but can never be counted as external proof or evidence.
Soon it will start getting lighter and we will have something to wear outside where there is lots that we like. We cant be glossing over February though. So often our longest month..
Doesn't exactly help with the self esteem and not wanting to leave the house having no clothes that are comfortable and vaguely presentable. The new computer to write with is going to have to wait which is a shame because we are so fuckinf sick of writing on this touch screen. Left that typo on purpose to illustrate.
Made it to school for appointment about ASD and handed in the sick note still haven't handed in the council tax reduction application, maybe tomorrow. Since the virus is much better and we are in the post virus/January depression stage and know it does help a lot dealing with stresses whenever possible its just we know we can totally loose it out and about and push ourself way further than we should because we get too anxious to think straight and self care. Its not like its possible to know how big a deal "little jobs" are gonna be, sometimes something you think will be not to bad ends up not being majorly stressful at all and something assumed to be horrid ends up being no problem at all. How the hell can we plan for that? Sure we have some awareness of how we are feeling but even simple tasks can be impossible to mentally, emotionally and physically to prepare for.
Got all call about our ESA fitness for work application from someone who didn't know we had already had to move on to UC. She asked us why we filled it in if we were moving on to UC but we were tired and stressed and forgot we didn't actually know when filling it out that we would be moving into a full UV area. What a mess UK is in and all so fucking predictable to. We feel entirely disengaged from it all. Occasionally we remember what we went through to get the ESA just for UC to put us on "standard amount" but we expect no better. Maybe our symptoms diary will eventually find it's way to the relevant place maybe not. What we can't handle especially at the moment is a face to face assessment and we have enough to get by at the moment espically since we haven't paid any council tax or electric bills get and of course still have no access to the only medicinals that actually help.
It's still in our dreams lots, the hunting for it the bullshit we are told over not having it. Got handed about a half ounce of black almost but not completely covered in tinfoil but we have stopped waking up with a clenched fist or fingers to our lips from trying to take it out our dreams. Dreamed Graham contacted us to asking us if we were coming over. Seems so unreal now, the genuine conversations about real shit. Odd brief moments of actually feeling known and seen.
Pregnancy dreams to predictable from watching Jane the Virgin. It's a break from incarceration dreams for sure. Hopefully it will trigger some Spanish speaking in dreams as well. Our skin was so thin we could see as well as feel the new life moving and stretching in us. Left a weepy broodiness though. Shouldn't of looked at all those baby animals on pintrest. Its not like we could seriously want another child in the situation we are in but like so many things we are angry, resentful and disgusted at having no choices about anything and having a body with various "your young for that" ailments that trigger recollections of their causes but can never be counted as external proof or evidence.
Soon it will start getting lighter and we will have something to wear outside where there is lots that we like. We cant be glossing over February though. So often our longest month..
