Can't coz of nightmares.

Would much rather we saw 0 views on our stats rather than the handful we get and "porn" in the referring sites. Soulless necrophiliac subhumans, fuck off and as there is bound to be involvement coz they usually are fuck off annihilated Fascist Russians. Its not my fault your walking corpses that can't think or feel anything that you wasn't preprogrammed. We always fought and tried to help people understand that shit. Your always gonna hate us though because we survived and you didn't and hating us is what your for.

Incarceration dreams. Bad enough but then the guards are either unchallenged sexual torturers or being victimised to and making no attempt to help anyone else. A woman held over a table as a guy came behind her with a knife. Thankfully the dream moved on down a corridor as he approached her .Condoms, blood, organs and shit all over the floors. Someone picks up one of the condoms and there's a penis in it, a voice shouts out "oi thats my penis" doesn't matter if they lose the appendage a man is still a man without it, still has his man voice, man friends, man networks and everything thing else dolled out by male privilege. Think we can partly thank aspects of the media for that last bit, who hasn't been wondering how that Bobbit cunt is getting on? Very few fucking people we suspect has been wondering and would prefer to never hear about it again.

The Scottish accents in the dream.. We've mentioned before how if we are honest and even though its how we talk if we can talk at all, they are all deeply triggering. Like we have no good associations with any of them at all. And our own isn't ours like its something we picked up, something that grew on us but instead was stamped on us through endless torture and torturing and murdering decent people in front of us when we didn't talk like that or refused or couldn't be what we were being instructed to be. It took a long time for them to make us what we are today. They had to use everyone and everything they got.

Other teams coming in and saying they were doing everything they could and were oh so sorry but everything would be okay one day... Or that by being exposed to everything they had we would be able to find and destroy everything they have, there was some truth in that but its an after that fact truth not like anyone would submit to everything for that ridiculous reason. There is no way these are real people was something we thought a lot about them. Our mother was being cut up, wired up, experimented on and tortured simultaneously and we knew when they entered the room or brought us round which ones had access to us both. There was efforts to get us in the same place and we didn't think we could survive that. Don't know if it didn't happen or if it did and we just severely dissociated and haven't really been back since.

 They don't got much left though and that means we gotta stop the ops and speeches and try and feel everything we have been numb to or risk being controlled by friggin trigger words coming out the gobs of various kinds of desperate addicts and broken fools we've never met before or have never hurt us before.

Hate using the codiene for emotional misery but its all we have and we don't need to be crying all day. Not like the physical pain isn't around of course though just wish we could be taking less of the pills so when we do use them they help a good bit instead of a tiny bit.

This is another step we remind ourself, from literal chains to literal thriving. We are not going to live the entire rest of our life without cannabis and when we eventually to get some, we will be smoking as someone who is not resident in Scotland and that is gonna make it all the more awesomer. Oh wow to feel alive and whole again. To feel hurt, damaged but alive and kicking, not spilt and carved up into pieces by competing forces for contradictory purposes. Its gonna be so good. At some point..

We miss Louise so much. Love you Louise. Probably worth spending a few pounds on the game we are into at the moment even though we are worried about money coz of fucking universal credit.

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