Louise
When Margo hugged me at Laura's funeral and we both sobbed I saw me wheeling you out of wherever we had hidden you, in your uniform, in your box. Somewhere in the US I think we had to get you out before the keys all got handed to brutal and stupid white male supremicists and knew we wouldn't get many opportunities to do so. We had a sense standing there against Margo after the line up as we saw us salute you and watch you fly off for the last time that Margo had maybe accepted it wasn't our fault you died and I lived, that she maybe even wanted us to live to show the rest of them that not everything goes their way. That she had forgiven us for not being able to save you but still managing to save ourself. Buy maybe it was all just projection or you.
They really didn't have to work so hard to get me to pretend at deep levels that I was you for years and years. We had to to survive still being in those situations without you, surrounded so much by people who were either calling me your name and pretending you never existed or worse. To survive having nothing and no one between ourself and what they were doing to our mother, what they used her for. You worked so hard to give us some breathing space from all that.
Now without you, without her there is no help with knowing they cut of her feat after we helped her walk, they cut of her hands because we helped her defend herself. Out of Fife the constant terrifying pressure to keep thinking like you and all the others didn't exist and it was always just us buy now we can remember how we screamed when we found you lying your side on the floor in that room in Skene with blood running down your cheeks and chin and over your nose.
They didn't take enough for you to not know what we did after a while. How we worked and worked to make you whole again or at least seem whole again. You were too smart too passionate about the truth and knew yourseld too well to not peel back the layers and realise what had been done to you.
But we could give you some chance of defending yourself, we didnt think you were ready to go yet but mostly because we needed you. It was impossible to keep it forever and we knew it, you knew it. There was nothing and no one, no refuge no safety no one helping just endless attacks, abuse and torture from endless sources. We knew we had to let you go and we knew we had to hide how useless we would be without you from you.
It was after a round bedroom ring enforced electric shocks to the head that we realised we would have to pull ourself together enough to stop them from doing that again at least and too avoid as many pregnancies as could. You were with us anyway we had to live, for you and everyone else they destroyed and slaughtered. We knew we could arrange our parts too stay busy, stay focused on surviving we wouldn't have time to be present to remember anyway and we needed to not be ourself to not be conscious and knew it would be long time before we were anything close to safe and strong enough to do so.
During one of the recent summer evenings in Fife we were drinking looking out at the garden and whatever work we had done and working our dissociation to keep the words of the ranting over the fence away from the parts of us that needed to not hear the most. We were waiting for something specific from the old rotten hate bot and it came and we responded, something we rarely did with them.
"That was Louise."
We heard the muttering and the "whit did she say" between him and the women and sat back breathing slowly and strongly. Ready for what was going to come next. And sure it came, as loud as he could muster, we turned our head and focused on not hearing, not translating his words and let him confess and boast at the top of his lungs.
Then we got up, went inside locked the door behind us and went upstairs to weep and shake while still focusing on keeping parts apart and stop us from integrating too quickly, to keep those parts of us that he and so much of that community and others were built to destroy safe from them.
We are not there now though. We are in a pretty borders seaside town with no weed and a serious reduction in benefits knowing we don't have the need or strength to keep us apart any longer.
They really didn't have to work so hard to get me to pretend at deep levels that I was you for years and years. We had to to survive still being in those situations without you, surrounded so much by people who were either calling me your name and pretending you never existed or worse. To survive having nothing and no one between ourself and what they were doing to our mother, what they used her for. You worked so hard to give us some breathing space from all that.
Now without you, without her there is no help with knowing they cut of her feat after we helped her walk, they cut of her hands because we helped her defend herself. Out of Fife the constant terrifying pressure to keep thinking like you and all the others didn't exist and it was always just us buy now we can remember how we screamed when we found you lying your side on the floor in that room in Skene with blood running down your cheeks and chin and over your nose.
They didn't take enough for you to not know what we did after a while. How we worked and worked to make you whole again or at least seem whole again. You were too smart too passionate about the truth and knew yourseld too well to not peel back the layers and realise what had been done to you.
But we could give you some chance of defending yourself, we didnt think you were ready to go yet but mostly because we needed you. It was impossible to keep it forever and we knew it, you knew it. There was nothing and no one, no refuge no safety no one helping just endless attacks, abuse and torture from endless sources. We knew we had to let you go and we knew we had to hide how useless we would be without you from you.
It was after a round bedroom ring enforced electric shocks to the head that we realised we would have to pull ourself together enough to stop them from doing that again at least and too avoid as many pregnancies as could. You were with us anyway we had to live, for you and everyone else they destroyed and slaughtered. We knew we could arrange our parts too stay busy, stay focused on surviving we wouldn't have time to be present to remember anyway and we needed to not be ourself to not be conscious and knew it would be long time before we were anything close to safe and strong enough to do so.
During one of the recent summer evenings in Fife we were drinking looking out at the garden and whatever work we had done and working our dissociation to keep the words of the ranting over the fence away from the parts of us that needed to not hear the most. We were waiting for something specific from the old rotten hate bot and it came and we responded, something we rarely did with them.
"That was Louise."
We heard the muttering and the "whit did she say" between him and the women and sat back breathing slowly and strongly. Ready for what was going to come next. And sure it came, as loud as he could muster, we turned our head and focused on not hearing, not translating his words and let him confess and boast at the top of his lungs.
Then we got up, went inside locked the door behind us and went upstairs to weep and shake while still focusing on keeping parts apart and stop us from integrating too quickly, to keep those parts of us that he and so much of that community and others were built to destroy safe from them.
We are not there now though. We are in a pretty borders seaside town with no weed and a serious reduction in benefits knowing we don't have the need or strength to keep us apart any longer.
