Whose still alive? Anyone know?

“So is the DID still something that effects you?”

Here we are again explaining the effects of trauma on a developing human brain to someone’s whose job is mental health. Been there so many times feeling dirty and stupid because we reached out for support we need. Its a programmed self harm habit and we try and persuade ourself its more that than but is it?

When she talked about 2010 being a long time ago and there being much more awareness about trafficking now we were already gone. Didnt bother trying to explain that DID isnt a diagnosis in the NHS or that there wasnt any understanding being shown by the hospital staff three years ago when the support received was weekly sessions surrounded by doctors and nurses being asked, “What do you mean by trafficking?” Again and again.

Her supervisors have told her to refer me back to psychiatry so that is what she was going to do. Wished she had told me that before putting me through an excruciating risk assessment but they have dont they, because we have a kid.

She asked of course if any of this had been reported to the police but still offered to give us victims first’s phone number to help us with another attempt at reporting after we gave an overview of our history with informal and formal complaints and the police.

“Sure.” We said. Not the much more appropriate, “No thanks like we said we are not suicidal or intentionally do things that we know will bring serious harm to our son.”. At least all this happened over the phone and we didnt have to put ourself through the stress of travelling to and from such standard bullshit.

The guy we saw about our knee was lovely though. It was so good to be in the presence of and getting attention from a genuine and helpful caring professional. We could’t tell him we have no idea about serious injuries but there is a strong possibility. He gave us a excercise to do, much more useful to be shown and helped to do them in person than have them described over the phone. He also showed us there was movement there that shouldn’t be.

Depression makes daily excercising fucking impossible sometimes but we have been doing what we can and walking when we can to.

Gardening of course to. Have many seedlings and plug plants slowly growing. Turned over a bit of border and put some tiny ferns in today. Few £1 plants to .. goddam cheap shop near us is selling them outside and we cant help ourself. Most of our deliveries came today, some pinks for the dark blue planters. Scented geraniums not here yet. Caved and ordered a buddleia there are very grow able and this one is a really dark purple.. Said we can order some pink lavender if we got through the day without buying baccy. Have been recycling though, as expected since its day one, again so might not order them until we are past the recycling and drying under the grill because its been raining stage.

Dreams have horrific again. Awful. One recetly included a Laura trying to kill us and cutting of one of our eyelids. In another, a guy who was doing a shocking job of decorating a building i was in with a very water stained ceiling donated a tiny bit of really strong stuff but a really horrible Margo and Niall demand we share the ikle joint we rolled and we ended up getting none.

Z has been on our mind. Trying not to freak about not knowing if she was amazing and beautiful or if she still is.

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