Well nicotine..
We never wanted you as a crutch, its only when we were wrapped around cannabis that we loved you but still you have been there when we had nothing and no one and you were something. You have been comfort.
Our addiction to you was often compulsory, a sign of who we were meant to and to help keep as a part of a group of people we could never genuinely believe were a family even when we couldn't remember why. You were a link between us, something in common a shared symbol of the absence of self care skills, of living hand to mouth and never expecting or hoping for more. Not only does your smell and taste represent having no where run to, of losing the fight against rapists, of giving in to ignorance because refusing to made the violence unsurvivable but you also trigger the pain and hopelessness of being a child that wasn't and would never be safe or nurtured and the guilt of caring for children that cant be kept safe and being unable to nurture to the extent they need and deserve.
We have no friends or family that will support us but also no friends or family that will share you with us or use you in front of us when we are beginning to imagine a life that isn't punctuated and framed by you. We are not a place that excludes hope and health. Of course none of that means that cold turkey so we can eat an effective way of dealing with an addiction. Thoughts like "well we are weepy and irritable most of the time anyway might as well make some long term benefit from it" are not healthy or helpful, its just our cynical overdeveloped skills in finding something shiny deep in all the shit.
We have our bloody mindedness and awareness of mediation and mindfulness and the goodness that will be between ourself and what we are forced into that will hopefully get us through the worst and stop us from buying when there is some money there again.
Still its not fair though. We hate how much discomfort we experience and knowing that in our case anyway its not accidental makes it worse. Maybe we are just embracing suffering because that's is all we have known for so long.. But we have tried nicotine replacement in the past and we just felt like we might as well just smoke.
It will be a about a week and a half before there would be enough cash there to buy more as we are not going to attempt to feed and water ourself and the giant not at school young man for a week on a tenner that would be left over if we bought baccy on Tuesday. We have located where the nearest food bank is and it isn't far.
Just need a spliff though, with the baccy so mild it wasn't addictive. Or of we cant have that, more fags.
Hate physical addictions..
Our addiction to you was often compulsory, a sign of who we were meant to and to help keep as a part of a group of people we could never genuinely believe were a family even when we couldn't remember why. You were a link between us, something in common a shared symbol of the absence of self care skills, of living hand to mouth and never expecting or hoping for more. Not only does your smell and taste represent having no where run to, of losing the fight against rapists, of giving in to ignorance because refusing to made the violence unsurvivable but you also trigger the pain and hopelessness of being a child that wasn't and would never be safe or nurtured and the guilt of caring for children that cant be kept safe and being unable to nurture to the extent they need and deserve.
We have no friends or family that will support us but also no friends or family that will share you with us or use you in front of us when we are beginning to imagine a life that isn't punctuated and framed by you. We are not a place that excludes hope and health. Of course none of that means that cold turkey so we can eat an effective way of dealing with an addiction. Thoughts like "well we are weepy and irritable most of the time anyway might as well make some long term benefit from it" are not healthy or helpful, its just our cynical overdeveloped skills in finding something shiny deep in all the shit.
We have our bloody mindedness and awareness of mediation and mindfulness and the goodness that will be between ourself and what we are forced into that will hopefully get us through the worst and stop us from buying when there is some money there again.
Still its not fair though. We hate how much discomfort we experience and knowing that in our case anyway its not accidental makes it worse. Maybe we are just embracing suffering because that's is all we have known for so long.. But we have tried nicotine replacement in the past and we just felt like we might as well just smoke.
It will be a about a week and a half before there would be enough cash there to buy more as we are not going to attempt to feed and water ourself and the giant not at school young man for a week on a tenner that would be left over if we bought baccy on Tuesday. We have located where the nearest food bank is and it isn't far.
Just need a spliff though, with the baccy so mild it wasn't addictive. Or of we cant have that, more fags.
Hate physical addictions..
