Day 1
Yesterday doesnt count because of the recycling and coz when we went to the shop with our last £2 for milk and juice we found a forgotten about roll up in our pink hoodie pocket. Its not like previous times when it felt like we could do it, you know if things were different, but they werent and we were doing everything we could. Knowing that of course if things were different we would not be in a place where people we knew encouraged us to smoke and having nothing else to comfort us between incidents of horror.
Harsh though. The patches of irritability and weepiness we usually have are suddener and sharper. It would be a lot worse if not for the codiene. Resident Evil 7 has been a good distraction we bought it a couple of weeks ago before we realised we cant afford it. Been playing with and without the lad. Hes pretty good, we panic gaming in ways we dont do in real life and have had to relay on Pablo to get us through fights on the madhouse save We started after finally getting to the end on normal. DLCs are fairly entertaining and crazy difficult as well. Do you want to change difficulty setting?.. no i fucking dont. I will just keep doing the same bits until eventually i figure something out or dont die. Will get through it all too quickly on easy and then what will i do? The washing? Go for a walk? Pfft. Keep sitting ankles crossed when playing and leaning forward to read the screen that is pulled as close to the couch as possible. Knees are not fans of the acute angles.
Think we will have to use the food bank if possible though. There is pretty much nothing left for tomorrow. Some milk, some butter.. some crackers he wont eat. Going to be a tricky adjustment having our income halfed with costs of giant boy, formal uniform requirements, replacing house stuff left during flit, trying things to help with knees, needing clothes to cover my stress and comfort eating bod, the impossible amount of council tax expected. The £90 they are taking because they decided to fuck with benefits system while we needed to put distance between ourself and experiences of genocide, slavery, breeding, extreme and normalised child abuse and rape.
Even skinter than when we were spending 100s a month on weed but without any weed..
No fags is gonna help us feel that bit further from everything and everyone that has brought us so much pain and misery, that took and takes so much from the world, from everyone and everything. It will help parts of us come forward, parts that don’t understand why we would keep smoking fags when not being forced to and have no good associations with it by itself.
This only day one though..
I guess we feel we can not buy baccy though and that is very significant. That sense that we needed you, that we need social contact and contract, genuine acceptance, appreciation and love and if we just stay clinging to life long enough you will come and help us just isn’t there like it used to be.
We’ve made jokes and glib comments about Resident Evil during ops. Its not me thats a weaponised mutated creation of imperial nation state coperate capitalism, but you are. We are nature finding a way through all the dehumanisation.
Harsh though. The patches of irritability and weepiness we usually have are suddener and sharper. It would be a lot worse if not for the codiene. Resident Evil 7 has been a good distraction we bought it a couple of weeks ago before we realised we cant afford it. Been playing with and without the lad. Hes pretty good, we panic gaming in ways we dont do in real life and have had to relay on Pablo to get us through fights on the madhouse save We started after finally getting to the end on normal. DLCs are fairly entertaining and crazy difficult as well. Do you want to change difficulty setting?.. no i fucking dont. I will just keep doing the same bits until eventually i figure something out or dont die. Will get through it all too quickly on easy and then what will i do? The washing? Go for a walk? Pfft. Keep sitting ankles crossed when playing and leaning forward to read the screen that is pulled as close to the couch as possible. Knees are not fans of the acute angles.
Think we will have to use the food bank if possible though. There is pretty much nothing left for tomorrow. Some milk, some butter.. some crackers he wont eat. Going to be a tricky adjustment having our income halfed with costs of giant boy, formal uniform requirements, replacing house stuff left during flit, trying things to help with knees, needing clothes to cover my stress and comfort eating bod, the impossible amount of council tax expected. The £90 they are taking because they decided to fuck with benefits system while we needed to put distance between ourself and experiences of genocide, slavery, breeding, extreme and normalised child abuse and rape.
Even skinter than when we were spending 100s a month on weed but without any weed..
No fags is gonna help us feel that bit further from everything and everyone that has brought us so much pain and misery, that took and takes so much from the world, from everyone and everything. It will help parts of us come forward, parts that don’t understand why we would keep smoking fags when not being forced to and have no good associations with it by itself.
This only day one though..
I guess we feel we can not buy baccy though and that is very significant. That sense that we needed you, that we need social contact and contract, genuine acceptance, appreciation and love and if we just stay clinging to life long enough you will come and help us just isn’t there like it used to be.
We’ve made jokes and glib comments about Resident Evil during ops. Its not me thats a weaponised mutated creation of imperial nation state coperate capitalism, but you are. We are nature finding a way through all the dehumanisation.
