The worst is past.
Not that its going to be smooth sailing from here on but we have not spent so much of today thinking about it or on pointless searches in the house for something to smoke. Did the nasty yesterday.. went out in the street to see if we could find anything, it was quiet, no one around we found a little and were going to look for more when we heard a door close. A neighbor from a few doors down had stepped out to vape. He normally goes out the back!! We have smelt the cherry flavoured pumes. We skuttled back to our door where he couldn’t see us and hoovered a bit like we had some reason to be there. Hes younger and not as chatty as most of the retired folk, there is definitely one or two who would of just asked what we were doing and that would of been mortifying. We would of had to lie, unprepared and badly.
With a clean skin and filter we had less than half a fag but it helped. As we have been writing in another symptom diary that might actually be looked at this time, pelvic and knee pain have been bad. The lad is into experimenting lots with his voice, speaking in wierd voices and making loud noises and its been seriously getting on our frayed nerves.. We know we wouldn’t but still an image of us lashing out and punching him has popped up a couple of times.
Down to two tea bags but there is uht milk and hot chocolate. The food bank gave us instant hot chocolate to but we tried it yesterday and didn’t like it much. Theres not much left than fussy him and fussy us will actually eat but not nothing and we only have tomorrow to get through. May be a bit of a danger of going nuts when there is money which we cant afford of course. Doubt we will buy baccy though. If and when we buy wine again could be a tricky point..
Stupidily hoped not smoking baccy would reduce our screaming need/want for weed but it really hasnt. Its worse if anything. We would have an even better shot at using and not abusing when not smoking fags all the time when we dont have something that seriously genuinely helps. Worried about triggers though, something about not smoking and remembering trauma that isn’t just caused by the moving on. There was instructions, programming linking memory repression and nicotine addiction.
:-/
With a clean skin and filter we had less than half a fag but it helped. As we have been writing in another symptom diary that might actually be looked at this time, pelvic and knee pain have been bad. The lad is into experimenting lots with his voice, speaking in wierd voices and making loud noises and its been seriously getting on our frayed nerves.. We know we wouldn’t but still an image of us lashing out and punching him has popped up a couple of times.
Down to two tea bags but there is uht milk and hot chocolate. The food bank gave us instant hot chocolate to but we tried it yesterday and didn’t like it much. Theres not much left than fussy him and fussy us will actually eat but not nothing and we only have tomorrow to get through. May be a bit of a danger of going nuts when there is money which we cant afford of course. Doubt we will buy baccy though. If and when we buy wine again could be a tricky point..
Stupidily hoped not smoking baccy would reduce our screaming need/want for weed but it really hasnt. Its worse if anything. We would have an even better shot at using and not abusing when not smoking fags all the time when we dont have something that seriously genuinely helps. Worried about triggers though, something about not smoking and remembering trauma that isn’t just caused by the moving on. There was instructions, programming linking memory repression and nicotine addiction.
:-/
