..dear reader..

Coming here probably isnt the best idea if we want to eek out that last fews grams but theres been baby's around and we keep thinking about that thing where E,Ps could be programmed to see what they were told to see which meant other parts would also have these preprogrammed illusions and hallucinations.  Although sometimes parts who weren't small emotional parts or new would be around or come forward and we could see what was actually going.  At times this meant our vision was like a double exposure photograph.. At the moment most of what we are getting is when we would be programmed to see particular abusers when in its actually others, people who hadnt been involved for so long, people who hadnt put us through all kinds of extreme torture, regularly for many years, so the newer abuser could use the main abusers' triggers, instil the same kind of terror.. We know it had many uses though and varying levels of effectiveness, some of the tough little kids we are have none o...

its the day to day misery. the hopelessness, the humiliation, the agonies of all kind, the knowing that it was going to be like this for a long time, the being so small and having a body that made constant demands that i didnt know how to meet and had stopped expecting any one else to, the knowing you were less than human in so many peoples eyes including those who made important decisions about everyone, the knowing that people would rather show acceptance to people being treated as objects, inferior lifeform fit for experimentation and murder rather than risk being treated that way themselves. We appreciate its easy to be righteous and say but you have to fight to protect others and protect everyone in the future when you already have nothing to loose. We still couldnt understnd though, I mean look at was going on? what do people think its all fo? How could you think that doing as instructed as best you can everything will be ok? Very military, in the 80s they were setting things ...

Well thank you landlord and landlord's people, we have a bubbly noise in our ear that is starting to get achy. We havent been sticking in ear headphones in them minutes after showering, we have been washing our hair in the bath because you haven't replaced the sensor in the boiler. And expect a call any month now about either of the blokes who were supposed to have fixed the living room damp patch. Our skills are fairly painting over shit based, whats up there .. way up there.. needs more than paint.. Would like to think the decent moods and motivation thats been around a bit more might help stave of a full on ear infection, we've been eating some pretty healthy home cooked meals in evenings. Tea, joints and biscuits if anything solid at all during the day though. We know that we dont have the kind of metabolism that can cope with that, it feels like self abuse and self care at the same time.. emotional rewards being, not having the pressures & triggers of sourcing/p...

We are excited. After living here for eight months of living here, five months since the paint arrived and three months since we took down all the fixings, the decorating of the small bathroom has begun.. All those metal hearts and flowers and butterflies will soon no longer be languishing under piles of stuff. The hardest part, getting the ladder/scaffolding in there without death or injury and then getting paint into the worst to reach corners is done. It is very pink. Paint is never quite the shaded expected but who cares when you go from patchy dirty walls to fresh clean paint.  Swear its down to all the extra communicating with the male parts that has unleashed all this 'feminine' aesthetics.. 'Get what you want.' our comfort is theirs.. We didnt know it would all get started yesterday but we realised that when found ourselfs working in the garden that we were in less pain and had more energy.. Its the landlord that is holding up the living room, there is wate...

We really, really need to remember and not waver from the whole never clicking on referring urls thing unless we know exactly where it will lead. No matter how innocent the URL may appear.. There's nothing we can say except stuff like we really genuinely hope you all die soon & suddenly & alone you sick capitalist cunts.. 

Evening dear reader, we are :-). Haven't taken any more of the diazepam today, ended up taking a couple more last night. No school run to worry about we were so happy drinking tea and colouring in and thinking and stuff. Dozed up enough that when woke we still felt lovely and move around easier between the pain bouts. Even after mother pressuring us into selling a precious gram to adult nephew. Not amused. He was here just after his mum died and hasn't been here since. He looked well. We chatted briefly about the work he has been doing and his gran's new hoose. He may of said something about being happier about her being down here now.. we weren't listening to that, he has a very triggering way put his point of view across sometimes, reminds us of how he would talk about punching his mum if he she turned up drunk and how we could almost hear the nails on her coffin lid every time he said it. We know they do pressure mother a bit to go back up or let the kids go...

made the trip over the river yesterday, very successful but very expensive.. very glad. Getting the free bus travel that we are entitled to would be worth it - will be very uncomfortable making appointment, and getting through whatever and whoever is triggered in the appointment which will probs only last minutes. But the potential that could do our heid as someone whose travelling us mostly been very controlled and on someone else's itinerary .. to have free travel. Think about what means..  Drop kids of at school on a day when mum is up for picking them up and keeping ours over night.. Scotlands our oyster .. yikes ..  Tricky. Of course. Would it be self abuse, is it active processing? we have always had big strong sense that the talking was essential but so is other stuff, creative, occupation stuff would be equally essential. We still break at what we got a taste of but was denied with the Drama. Such a stigmatising word 'inappropriate' and the whole 'your poor ...

Mother has a new place to stay, its closer to here, a bedroom for both the kids, outside space , done really nice inside. Stone tiles in the kitchen ffs & no chickenwire glass. Doesnt make me love this place any less just makes me wish we were further on with the decorating. And wish we owned here and/or could do more than just paint it.. Its a relief to know the bairns are that bit closer, they all will be so much happier their. So much feels like it has been processed. We feel like we are getting a break a bit in the surfacing it seems right now. The vivid unravelling of relentless trauma has slowed down. Physically it's been pretty bad for a few days, sore, exhausted. Therapist cancelled and we were quite relieved. Some us wanting to push forward but others are weeping with exhaustion. Its always very difficult to be honest about some of whats occupying big chunks of our internal life especially if its to do with something that feels like it might be ongoing in anyway. ...

Felt so badly for the English left for so long. Amazing inspiring social history but that's not the heritage that's promoted.  Now we have turn outs in the 60%s and 'Labour has become too leftwing' being repeated in working class accents like children saying lines in a school play.  Its not a new though.  The betrayal by Labour interns of tolerating and courting corruption, abandoning its ideals and history makes it a nonparty for us. It should split. At least the Tories tell you they are going to screw you first. We smell the kind or worst that happens before things start dramatically changing but we would wouldn't we were up in the yellow bit, with higher turnouts where socialism isn't a dirty word. Migraine that's we've been successfully dodging eventually caught up with us.  Possibly helped by the misery of the exit polls, the excitement of the SNP swing. And the bottle of wine. And the non impressive 'pollen'.  Headache was awful but had ...

Back to this then. Its been around for a few days, pushing its way past the weed. The irritability, the plummeting self esteem, the constant edge of tearfulness and the sense we will never be safe, never find and keep people who we are ok with. All the words and acts of hate from ourselves and others from the past are a constant bottomless presence that refuses to be analysed.  We felt so desperate last night looking at the stalks and scraps we had left, knowing what was coming. Still we have gotten stuff done in past few days, after 8 months the kitchen is actually starting to feel like our own and we are not just saying that so we start to believe it plus the living room has a floor again and is that much closer to being decorated. Thinking maybe the break in pain we have got near the end of the last few cycles might possibly be stretching. Its back and nasty today though but its not as bad a feeling as being terrified and lonely because the adults trained loads of kids to ha...

She used sex work to fund the drinking sometimes.  Not sure how much when she lived away. There was one in particular who would hassle me when she wasnt around. There were times when she would try and push us into it. She was busy with baby 'just go with him'. There were rapes of course. We were in various dissociative states and were vulnerable. Particularly to the sort of guy who doesnt mind picking up a very drunk teenager to for sex while her distraught little sister was left with a small baby. 'Sex work' or 'being raped and then handed cash that someone else would take of me' as we called it wasnt exactly a opportunity it was easy to fall into. It was compulsory. If we started tomorrow to be in public places out drinking and talking regularly its quite likely that people would show up and start trying to force us into it again, using drugs, violence and manipulating and bulling people around me. Still amused in our grim humour way about the MP tweeting...

  Doing little things in the garden, love it, know their is a philosophy of gardening that's all about controlling and mastering nature but it feels more like a buffer between our world and out there. Bought a rose bush today, or at least it will be one day hopefully at the moment its a couple of sticks in small pot of dirt that we paid  fiver for, its name was 'Perseverance', deep red if it ever comes to life.. A small Japanese Maple to, mum used to have one during our twenties that some years got so glorious it would trigger our talks to plants parts and we would dream about being it.. We noticed it before when growing weed, we get real sense of straightforward healing from planting seeds  watching and waiting for the roots, leaves etc. Brings out someone who calms so many others, they are very timid when the gardener comes out like they are scared because she/he are easily scared of. Its so much warmer with her around. There is lots of awe for her, she's core an...