May 02, 2015

Rose Cottage

  Doing little things in the garden, love it, know their is a philosophy of gardening that's all about controlling and mastering nature but it feels more like a buffer between our world and out there. Bought a rose bush today, or at least it will be one day hopefully at the moment its a couple of sticks in small pot of dirt that we paid  fiver for, its name was 'Perseverance', deep red if it ever comes to life..

A small Japanese Maple to, mum used to have one during our twenties that some years got so glorious it would trigger our talks to plants parts and we would dream about being it..

We noticed it before when growing weed, we get real sense of straightforward healing from planting seeds  watching and waiting for the roots, leaves etc. Brings out someone who calms so many others, they are very timid when the gardener comes out like they are scared because she/he are easily scared of. Its so much warmer with her around. There is lots of awe for her, she's core and can be very powerful against abusers and helping others  but she's been very badly hurt..

..It's a they, a mother and daughter from when system was simpler.  A fantasy to distract from everything, a mother and daughter who lived in house in the middle of a beautiful forest. It took hold and became very important to us but the people who had to hit anything be had that made us feel better found out about it.  I heard them argue or question, even beg the ones giving the orders, 'C'mon can we not leave her with something.' We she tried to listen to the answers she couldn't hear, or the words stopping making sense before they reached us. Sometimes we heard because they were more the simple words used a lot and they were said loudly and clearly.  It offended us to the core but we got desensitised to that over the years.

Not that we are repeating those words now.. Why not? Part doesn't want to. But she's not too far we are not too scared for her. Sometimes they hold onto details like precious treasures. We understand we have been there. Staggering out of some war zones, ears wringing, disorientated, amnesiac, dust in eyes, nose, covered in blood you dont know if its your own or not and clutching something very tightly.  Can't look to see what it is. It could be mangled remains. Could be everything you are going to need. But we dont and cant let go because whatever it was we saw fit to clutch it tight in war zone. If we look we will know. There will be no more pretending that it might be something nice. ..

We wont be able to avoid responsibilities we are not ready for anymore?

Its loaded with programming of course. As we write this we can see and feel us in the past. Sitting usually, in the backs of cars, sofa's in their houses, holiday homes, our beds, their beds often. Using there quiet voices. Holding our hand. Telling us which of out parts are good and we should do as they say, which are bad and we should ignore or hurt. The levels of awareness, understanding and perspective varying in the moments and over the years. Body changing, rooms changing, their faces ageing but the parts they like to talk to the most stay the same. Still being bullied into making the same promises.

Clearing though. With less anxiety and before, that whole 'this is to horrible to be real, too horrible to deal with' feels reassured. Not that its not terrifying. Its just terrifying in a different way. Without the mystification there's is no longer mortal fear of something supernatural but there is violence. Violence. Extreme violence.

..that only trees and nature and stuff is able to listen to us talk about or can be trusted.

so they cling to their details, their bundles, holding them tighter as more and more weight is added and the war zone never ends. They only reach out to the trees and the flowers and only the abusers can reach them.

The first answers we always get are that we wont get anywhere with speaking. Not to begin with. Need something like some of the better stuff that went on it drama therapy..

some of us might be able to research and figure something out with Therapist.

..someone is very happy to have their clipboard up and functioning..