May 26, 2015

you start of thinking about incest and end back at radio 1 DJs..

Well thank you landlord and landlord's people, we have a bubbly noise in our ear that is starting to get achy. We havent been sticking in ear headphones in them minutes after showering, we have been washing our hair in the bath because you haven't replaced the sensor in the boiler. And expect a call any month now about either of the blokes who were supposed to have fixed the living room damp patch. Our skills are fairly painting over shit based, whats up there .. way up there.. needs more than paint..

Would like to think the decent moods and motivation thats been around a bit more might help stave of a full on ear infection, we've been eating some pretty healthy home cooked meals in evenings. Tea, joints and biscuits if anything solid at all during the day though. We know that we dont have the kind of metabolism that can cope with that, it feels like self abuse and self care at the same time.. emotional rewards being, not having the pressures & triggers of sourcing/preparing food, not fighting the instructions to not eat well and acknowledging that we are in kind of permanent physical shock, stressed constantly which messes up the digestive system and then of course pain killers and their digestive unwanted effects. If tea and spliffs is what we need then dont self shame, its rare at the moment that we wont eat well later anyway sometimes really well.

But then there's the starving parts that are always crying out for food, eating again after starvation isnt a simple thing, its traumatic and parts that are upset because they know how not eating well effect all of us. Therapist reminded us of little children and how they need to eat regularly and how it felt to be deprived of food when growing up. Guilt of course is an appetite killer, the guilt of feeling that know it is me that is starving them. Rape, especially oral rape and be forced eat disguting things and things forced down your throat, antibiotics, witnessing violent trauma and death - all big appetite killers of course to.. Doesn't matter if we are in a place where we push away and have built steel walls between day to day life and the experiences or now when were are gently breathing through the specifics while channel hoping or getting the kids ready for school, we still find we are getting well depleted sometimes.

Its the domestic stuff that really seems to make problems with food built into the fabric of our being. The abuse at the hands of people who fed you when you were very tiny little. All the years of being forced to sit around kitchen tables with those people, eating meals, like a normal family.

uck.

Just seems so overwhelming when we start drawing out the different aspects to it, the parts and what was done to them, over and over and over, the things that we have to do to ourselfs to allow us to eat anything at all.. there might be other stuff we can deal without feeling small and broken but eating breakfast and lunch most days isnt one of them.

Blaming the incest, well its hardly incorrect but incest is pretty handy for traffickers in many ways, people to open doors, administer drugs of course but also because years later you have non famous people to blame all your crippling PTSD on. Rape as a distraction from rape..

We just start seeing peoples faces whenever we think about or look at food options and knowing the physical hells those faces are connected to after that most plans are delayed or cancelled most days. I think on days we do eat breakfast, lunch its not that the faces and the body memories are not there its just that we are stronger and know it cant be avoided. We know the faces and all that will start getting more vivid but we are stronger, motivated, busy and distracted. The posts about abusers connected with support for CSA inquiry are the result. There seems to be a lot unprocessed about the MP and we are not exactly enthusiastic about heading into it and typing out whatever the fuck it is we end up getting in touch with again. Bastard St Andrews. So many of these hells within hells that happened we just come back to again and again, not any stronger, not any more confident in us and no more confident in other people.

As for processing the worst from the worst of the 'DJs' - still makes us laugh out loud..

There is some pretty good motivation for managing something tomorrow though and thats the energy we are gonna need to prepare and start the woodwork in the strawberry icecream coloured bathroom.. scrubbing away and painting over the last of Alkysis from the upstairs bathroom.. fairly emotive.

Will put up pics of finished results.. just a warning to those of you that dont like pink, or butterflies, or flowers., or shabby chic. our Buddha print is already up and s/he isnt complaining.. Really hope there is enough sunshine and we water our backie enough to so we can post pics of all the tonnes of randomly planted flowers that are growing.

..the rose is fine.. lots of sprouty bits..




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