May 29, 2015

hallucinations and babies

Coming here probably isnt the best idea if we want to eek out that last fews grams but theres been baby's around and we keep thinking about that thing where E,Ps could be programmed to see what they were told to see which meant other parts would also have these preprogrammed illusions and hallucinations.  Although sometimes parts who weren't small emotional parts or new would be around or come forward and we could see what was actually going.  At times this meant our vision was like a double exposure photograph.. At the moment most of what we are getting is when we would be programmed to see particular abusers when in its actually others, people who hadnt been involved for so long, people who hadnt put us through all kinds of extreme torture, regularly for many years, so the newer abuser could use the main abusers' triggers, instil the same kind of terror.. We know it had many uses though and varying levels of effectiveness, some of the tough little kids we are have none of it. Others have no sense of anything outside the worst of the networks and abusers and things like that can work. Not a very pretty world..

..unlike the bathroom which is coming on nicely..

The babies.. think we said early on we don't know how any pregnancies we have had, how many babies lived, how many died, how many of those abortions, how many more clinical ones. But we feel a bit like we a starting to begin to be able to count, to list, a few any way. our hand stroking little backs, or sometimes when they were to small to cup our hand over their backs we ran a finger down the thin skin on their spine.  We see the blood more. Of course we do with the pain we are in, we are reliving them so obviously sometimes.  Today that longing to hold and cherish an infant - 'broodiness' has been hitting us and sensual, visual recall of their little bodies as well as the births.

Some of us weep for the girls that are going through stuff like that this now, angry, bitter tears because this violence often isnt as private and behind closed doors and secretive or not talked about or just in the nonwhites. Its accepted as how some girls are treated and if you down there anyway luv would you mind?..goan.

Others, were just still there in the precious positive life affirming cherished little moments. It was our job to show them as much love and care as possible in whatever short times we had. So many times though some of us started just turning away and prayed to other parts to try and get help to us because they couldn't, they had already tried really hard.