May 27, 2015

very military

its the day to day misery. the hopelessness, the humiliation, the agonies of all kind, the knowing that it was going to be like this for a long time, the being so small and having a body that made constant demands that i didnt know how to meet and had stopped expecting any one else to, the knowing you were less than human in so many peoples eyes including those who made important decisions about everyone, the knowing that people would rather show acceptance to people being treated as objects, inferior lifeform fit for experimentation and murder rather than risk being treated that way themselves. We appreciate its easy to be righteous and say but you have to fight to protect others and protect everyone in the future when you already have nothing to loose. We still couldnt understnd though, I mean look at was going on? what do people think its all fo? How could you think that doing as instructed as best you can everything will be ok?

Very military, in the 80s they were setting things up, organising to smallest detail it was a big operation over years. Next to them our main abusers looked like how our 'dad' looked next to the gangster and telly rapists.  'Rogue' military and high end organised crime - not the best mum and dad a girl could have but at least the arguing gave us opportunities to slip out the back door from time to time.

The Glen was so beautiful when there wasnt any people there we loved it and identified with the way it was stolen, owned, traded and exploited to destruction and found we could feed off its will to continued being when we had none again and again.

 I was everything those military bosses types weren't I valued everything and knew some things could never be justified to the same degree that they executed any means justifies the end with absolute professionalism. We couldn't understand how some people somewhere far away possibly wanting to hurt people who hurt people really badly anyway could justify totally abandoning kind of humanism or ethics. They were officially trained and chosen well to never show any emotion ever except the anger and adrenaline needed for punishing. As kids we were impressed by it, if you hadnt done anything you weren't supposed to you never knew what if anything was going on inside.

Jersey accents? Same types that were around when heaps people were rounded up and shipped over at once.

..weird accents in the Glen..  christ. not tonight.. (OK!)

We were very concerned about the future, back then in the early 80s. It seems sometimes we thought about nothing else when we weren't doing the thinking processes that were ordered of course. It was thinking about the future that would take us out into the hills by our selves sometimes. So undermining of course, when I think I have anything that seems solid enough to be  good foundation for a positive sense of sense the words 'might be programming' and 'might be survival fantasy' are never far away..

We were so worried though and we didnt know if they were intentionally letting us see and hear everything to trick us or because they didnt care what we saw and said because we were officially slaves, everybody knew it and no one would dare to do anything. Other kids said the didn't believe it or didnt't care when we talked about what we were overhearing, some already knew and seemed to have accepted it.

We decided the only way to figure it all out was to separate everything that didnt make any sense out into different question and give our different parts different jobs, different things to find out and would put it all together once everyone had got the answers we needed. A technique that had been forced on us and experimented with. We also decided that we had to believe we were thinking and doing things that were unauthorised and off the radar or we would never feel good enough to do anything.

..feeling good enough means occasionally being in a place emotionally and physically where we could see, or be awake or feel anything. We would get longer moments sometimes though, when we could feel the ground under or feat, smell the air and see the stars and it would our commitment to stay human and to love, even if was just the stars, the air and breeze in the trees. We grabbed those little moments in every place across the world we could.

but to some these moments are not as meaningful as they are to others, they say those feelings are from a someone who doesnt come from somewhere. Someone who doesnt have people. We dont know how to answer them back we welcome as us even though we are a bit scared of them.