So the violence isn't very recent which means our brain isn't freaking out quite so much. By "violence" we mean the instructions of course that generally come with it. Do or don't do this or that. Say or don't say. Write and don't write. So the layers start revealing themselves more not enough to feel confident as someone who knows where they come from but not so exposed and unanchored. The intention to control every little action and limit the mind and emotions to well used stock easily maintained patterns. The having to pretend you believed so they would leave. Knowing I could believe in better days all I wanted its still there world where it matters out there. Not so much in here even if our mind has been targeted by mass cluster bomb attacks. The rubble can be slowly picked up and structures can be built to fit our needs. Very slowly. With constant flinching and uncomfortable hypervigilance that might still be needed to stay alive and unpregnant.
We've been allowing ourself to draw it out a little, what the real threat of pregnancies and no choices in relation to them does to peoples minds. What it does to children who told or threatened with this for a future or shown it to be the present of someone they care about. Some of us are scared to really face this because we are scared we wont be able to stop not in an abuser trained way because so much of that is still pretty opaque its out of love. So often we had to tell ourself no more knowing it was out of our control and nothing had changed. There are ring members addicted to it and they're protected by each other and the deferential culture towards people capable of the most damaging kinds of abuse.
We feel outside the references of most self help and professionals. How can we make plans, how do we grow roots when so many people who have and would do them so much harm are still driving around so close to us? How do we encourage parts that are burning to grow when we don't know if we have the means to nurture them.. We can't help but buy them books and toys anymore than we can stop ourselves from reaching out books we know from our education will remind us that we are not the only one who thinks in certain ways or about certain things there are actually people making a reasonable living out of it. We still have false hope worries of course we do.
What's very recent? I'm not the sort of voice that can answer those questions very well. Last summer. Attempts we saw or were warned about so they were neutralised just in time or we most likely wouldn't be writing this. Can't not be devastated by the estrangement and the manipulation of emotional bonds or child protection issues and still be human. Only things we came away with was that we cried hard.
We are recognising some of the damage done by supershrink. Some of us are saying that she is an abusers shrink who enables their behaviour and justifies it because her profession aims at stabilising people first and then challenging the behaviors. We can't believe she said some of the things she said there is just blank spaces over some of the sessions. She seemed so nice she can't possibly of just told us things the rings were saying about us because they were also her clients. She can't believe them over us we just couldn't handle that right now with all the other stuff the rings are doing. We wont be able to help any of the children. Things can't be that bad it must just be programming, this isn't really happening.
It did though. We managed to find ways to feel safe during all that we can manage to after, eventually. We can be aware of the children and not knowing how bad they have it without it destroying us and keeping us away from the one we were so generously allowed to keep as long as we don't have support and are completely isolated to make sure there arnt any unforseen factors should they need anything from us.
There are almost always unforeseen factors though. We know from our own ops. It helps if you are open to a fuller spectrum of human behaviours and potentials rather than the dehumanised perspective of career rapists and slave traders.
She is with the legions of people in our life who we believe did us some good at some points but who we were not able to defend themselves when the full force of their methods of control were focused on her. No one can. But we are never that amnesic that we ever really drop our guards much. They get exhausted and overworked they don't decide take it easy because every thing will probably be fine. We learned we were not as split as we act and the tough littles will wake and strong we needed them and we had any chance of defending ourself.
We are so glad you don't ask questions blog. We understand when people do and hope they don't mind too much when we can't answer them.
Goodnight Sweeties. Xxx *skwish hugs*