Its so difficult to keep feeling love from people we never see or talk to. It makes us doubt everything like real friends and family are just our Rabbie Burns. So real because it was parts of us making a life that was tolerable for the rest of us. The rest that had their own flesh were all just grooming, just following orders. They get everyone who thinks there is something in the rapist controlled world that is worse saving. We need to do what we are told to do to the Quine, all the other Louise Johnstons, everyone that resists and their babies or we could end up like them! Its quite mutual. Death is preferable to a life where you hand your babies and children over to pornographers and experienced programmers and then tell them afterwards if they are still capable of screaming and crying that it " wasn't that bad. Everything is not going to be OK. They do not let people go because they gave in obviously its more likely you have just brought in your whole family & friends & their unborn kids for generations.
If you don't respect or fear the police they will use drug dealers, petty and/or organized crime thugs for hire depending on your class and contacts. If you don't respect or fear the underclass then its police and professionals that will be controlling your life, making all your decisions for you and keeping you traumatised and amnesiac. We are from a few different social layers what with peoples attempts to adopt us and keep us out so we get to see the full array brain dead capable of anything tools, there only fear is real exposure or their protected status with accompanying state paid for security surveillance ending. The best way to avoid for them to avoid this they have been told and they take in nothing else anyone says is to keep doing what they are told and never consider anything else.
It is kind of impossible to resist anything when you have been so tortured and dissociated that you remember absolutely nothing about who or where you are though. Think it might be the times we spent outside the rings when very little and all the times after that have out the barrier between me and people not the other way around.
Why pull us out, feed us up, make us feel human, loved, wanted and respected just to send us back to here to be constantly attacked. They needed our help with something which we sorted so they had no use for us anymore particularly as we have all these radical notions about human rights and stuff that don't go away after a couple of weeks of quality living, working conditions. We didn't believe we would always end up back here being raped and fried and obliterated but we knew it was possible. The ones who weren't in on it all along would sometime manage to call saying they were told we were safe and well by Brit Intel..
We usually had one thing to say to that. " how the hell could you believe them? Don't you have any Intel yourself about where I am and what goes on here." If our emotional state or mental age was capable we would add ' go see if your porn reps will tell you anything they probably won't though they will all be sex offenders and its their job to protect shit like this"
We try not to hate too much on people tweeting about how bad things are becoming because they know about some of the evil shit the establishment is doing and how toxic the media is. It's not there fault things were OK for them.
We are proud of the work we have done and the lives we saved or protected when we could and all the proper statements even if they are never used but to have achieved so little for myself..
We found a small spliff worth.. It is still our replacement for friends, work and family.
Just can't see or feel any real words or hugs coming our way soon Daddy. Wish we had found a way to never stop warring. But they will always have child abuse, the press, politicians, police, social work, public opinion, academic thought as a main weapon while we have DID and DNA. Our wars could and have improved peoples lives. The parts that just wanted a safer life, cozy with love to heal and then maybe write or study are turning cold, turning inward because of the last years. We kept them warm for so long through so much trauma designed to destroy them but we can't protect them from is the silence and distance from people they believed in. It feels like we have no choice but to completely wipe the slate clean of everything and everyone we ever fought for, all our hopes and all of the work. Impossible of course because abuser culture, networks of our rapists or have forced to work then took all credit and payment - many of them won't be wiping the slate clean.
Where then fuck am I Dad?
And beside our soul seems to be very much still with Sonny. Fuck you Todds.