January 17, 2016

Need to know basis.

I'm alright. We just couldn't keep a hold on what happened and was happening our parts just weren't ready and couldn't see how it could was any safer. He wouldn't leave us in all that horror, take part in telling us we were something we are not, tolerate child abuse so too many peoples agendas required him to disappear.  We don't feel like dissecting it we have done enough of that in our small groups. They knew we wouldn't be able to communicate internally or externally properly and would be easily dissociated for a long time afterwards. Bastards.

He was so based in the now. He had incredible natural mindfulness. It was what we noticed. Really noticed. There was never any danger of him losing touch with what was worth fighting for. It meant he didn't need to think, wouldn't question himself when he was being subjected to all the crap. He had a core that just didn't wobble. He wasn't gonna appease them he knew too much and even when he didn't he just saw. Just saw us. We knew it possible, very possible but he never accepted it. We felt and still feel just not as acutely that if he didnt believe in us so much they wouldn't of got him. He fixed us again and again and still is because of that belief. When we couldnt be fixed he just held our broken bits and all our hopes and plans. Said it wasn't faith of course. All the violence and abuse in Skene. The fight to keep the lads mind and body as safe as possible, another product of rape pregnancy I didn't think either of us would make it. When we did I didn't think anything could kill us.

We don't feel the hate towards them that we have for so long. Blinding, searing, crippling hate. Or the fear. They are part of the grimness of our past. He's right here. Being ridiculously hopeful and positive without turning a blind eyes to what we are up against just connected to a bigger picture and confidence in his, mine and others flesh.

A lot has been done to take down the systems, the networks that took us down so much for so many years but not quite enough for us to really feel like we can come home to our flesh completely. We can only do it in tiny steps, trying to do what we can to believe it would not be easy for someone to push us back.

Saw Laura's two today. Margos house is cleared. Emotional of course seeing them. Its all so wrapped up together. The kids, the family, the rings and Tom's (?) death. Without an ID that you are or feel connected to names get so hard to keep a hold of.

He'd like that we were reading and got the book the chapter was from to read more of. It's about the early history of books, writing and reading. It really got us excited again like so much did in Uni lectures. We just spent ages looking at cultural history books not feeling like everything was out of permanent reach, too triggered by the traumas that were going on when we were at uni and the all the don't study don't think don't read tortures and abuse since. We know it will be a relief to you to that we are interested in history and ideas again Dad and you and others would remind us to go easy. The cultural history of sex and violence can wait. Irish scribes writing about being cold or wishing they had some vino we handled! It amazes us the distances people travel.

He wouldn't of been an idiot to get caught out by those twisted fuckers would he Dad? He said he bloody wouldn't. We were being programmed to believe they were going to kill him anyway so it wouldn't be difficult to fake. Leaving us in this shit is better than dying he said he could make it if we believed in him and trusted him and we did and do. So its not impossible. Yes we know we have to stop hating the not knowing its a trick..

Love you.

Lex. Xxx