January 09, 2016

Just try to be. Again.

Focusing on small manageable things that what helps isn't it? Will go and buy bin liners tomorrow and clean out the kitchen. Make sure school stuff is organised. Stop to breathe, start hesitantly using relaxation techniques again. The migraine the other night reminded us that they are useful. We have felt so lost for so long its scary trying to find ourself again because when we do we are going to have to face all the losses again and how intentional it all is.

It was so good to see the girls again but not any easier to see their mother.  She represents so many kinds of violence and the ways it is tolerated and accepted to us. But as we can't be forced to accept Margo as a mother anymore PsychoSis and all the rings she is happy to hand me and mine over to feel that bit further away. Heart over the kids of course. So much wishing we could change our own and their past and make our presents and futures less uncertain, less risky and with more love.

There is still lots to do at the house. We are not going to be contributing any effort to that. What can they do? Not talk to us? Not support us? Make it difficult for us to see the kids? Make us feel unsafe and unwanted? Withdraw finical support? Stop being a positive part of our children's lives?  ...

The idea of us exhausting and triggering ourselves beyond the shit storm we are always already in for Lynny and Billy or our 'dad' is kinda funny to some of us..

We have to find a way to feel our own skin and environment is something we can live in, be in even if we can only be where we are long enough to get elsewhere. Sorting through Margo's house when we are still living with many of Laura's possessions is just not something we feel will be helpful to us at this time.  We understand there is much more and easier communication between them than with us so it will be easier for everyone if we leave them to it.

Just try and gently reintroduce some mindfullness. We can have thoughts about people, places and parts of ourself we miss without it always being overwhelming. Daddy. Blonde husband. Kids.