January 01, 2016

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

Words, sentences, ideas, vision seem like they are things that other people can do. Something other people did using parts of us not things we could use, create and build ourselves.  Its not like we are physically separated or prevented from accessing words. There's a book case a few feet away and one in the living room with poetry and other stuff we can't bring ourselves to look at. We associate books too much with lies and respectable fronts.

We hate all this not knowing and knowing. What we have and what we get feels so real but nothing is ever enough to lift the sense of missingness. From this place looking back all that feels like me is all the sadness and aloneness and being cornered when weak.

We keep forgetting. We can we do with our time before the funeral. In the way back from the shop the other day there was a moment when we held hands on the crossing that made us feel less alienated from the big lad now that Margo has gone. We are so far from knowing how badly he's had it we keep remembering rapes in Fintry but all those times when we weren't there or couldn't say no when she asked to take him. Won't be calling him 'wee man' anymore coz the programming us slipped to much to keep the name 'Sonny' internally anymore. What a mess Dad. All too painful. He's amazing though they all are. So hard not to feel alive again around him. He's been here the whole time and we can't and won't let him go either. Even though we are sure of nothing. We are still sure of his little body needing us and us and the big lad needing him. We have barely noticed lots of the other bullshit and horrors that have been going on. Until they started talking about him.

What are you supposed to do when you have had all this deliberately done to you? You can't relate to people.. We can kind of hear your voice. We need you so much.

The brisket was/is highly edible. The whole festive cooking thing went down better than last year when the whole cooking for two thing just made it horrible. Only one frozen tattie was bounced off the worktop in heart break this afternoon which is pretty good. The big lad got the Wii U he has been after for years thanks to the Royal appointed secret Santa so he's been busy. We watched Home today and Inside Out yesterday. Loved it. Him to.

You were always good at getting us to calm down even when you didn't know it. We are scared about the family being around for the funeral. Especially as you don't need high level clearance to be aware that we are bit freer and generally so far that has meant something or someone will be stepping in.

We won't be alone. Of course. And a much better future isn't impossible.
Love you and think of me more and louder.
ffs.
Alexis

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