January 12, 2016

They would just grow up and leave me anyway.

.. missing the kids today. Heart broken. Wish we could of been there for them more but we think that about all the kids we come into contact with that are having their development messed with severely. I don't know what is going to happen to them I just hope they don't get filled with any more hate or damaged any more than they already have but I can't see how they can be safe or loved enough up there. I hope they are taken away from them we really do and adopted by a family that will look after them properly, giving them all the attention and care and encouragement and teach them love and patience and you know, castles in the sky. 

We don't believe it will be as bad as it has been a lot during their lives as well as ours though. The networks arnt what they were even if Lynne is the same and the rest of the family is still generally useless at best which is terrifying. We have said to her many times and we don't mean it any less now that Margo's battered heart finally gave out she won't be taking us out. We've thanked her for being consistently evil to us as well as we know that if she wants to see us or starts being nice something fucking awful is planned.

I could see Margo's fear over what Lynne was capable of towards me and the bairns more after she knew her health was bad. Maybe its always been there we just didn't see it much before to racked with our own fear. We have noticed her fear for Uncle Billy before though as a child. She called them both bullies some times. The death sentence made her drop her front and it surprised us to see her drop the bullshit. We called it a personality transformation. That was back when we were in Dundee and as we were able to we told her we were fighting for our own life because of external issues and would not be able to remember much for a while including what we knew about her heart. She did her usual make light of something terrible thing but this time it was fine. It felt like the first real conversation we have ever had.

It was a big part of what motivated us to cause lots of trouble by telling Lynne in front of the kids that as we didn't have a good relationship and she had a negative effect on our fragile health she couldn't use our flat as a public toilet on her way to Fife to see mum. We knew she would punish mum for it by not taking kids down anymore and we told her we were sorry but we were effected by the diagnosis to and did not want our lad near Lynne we hated the way she was with him. He isnt going to grow up thinking the way Lynne treats me and Margo is acceptable. She was ok about it. She seemed to really here that we were sticking up for her to.

Its part of the promise that we don't let Lynne or people who tolerate her abuse near us after Margo died. No more. Not Pabs. Think seeing her be so human those times when we knew she was dieing and wasn't taking steps to prolong it we felt like we had no option but to keep our distance. It was another reason to keep our distance.

It's good that Margo is out of the torture and the exhaustion and misogyny and the silence and what that does to people over the years and decades. Away from her brother and Lynne and all the people like them. She was only 64 or something like that it shocked us that she was ready to give up on living so quick but then we thought about another 30 years of the way we have been treated. We thought about her family and how little use I would be and we understood. We hated it but we understood.

Guess we better think about smoking at some point. We want to be travelling through our 60s, 70s...